Exercising My Right to be Lazy

Can we all take a moment to agree that exercise sucks? Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Yes, AFTERWARDS you feel great and your body is healthier and blah blah blah but, that 30 minutes on the Stair Master suuuucks.

Yesterday I was out and about in New York (I’m oh-so sophisticated) and I ended up walking about 2 miles.

And I thought I was going to DIE.

I have seen people finishing marathons in 100-degree weather be less out of breath than I was. I’m not sure if I was having a heart attack or a stroke or if my body was just shutting down after living on Mountain Dew and cholesterol for the past 6 years but whatever it was, it wasn’t pretty.

I’ve gotten to the point that climbing four flights of stairs is the equivalent of climbing Everest complete with setting up a base camp and packing days worth of supplies.

I’ve thought about skipping class because I didn’t want to walk the whole way there (FYI the classroom is about 500 yards from where I live). I’ve contemplated pretending to have a broken leg so Fordham security has to chauffer me around campus (I would totally do this but crutches chafe my armpits). I’ve even looked into getting a wheelchair but everyone that knows me knows that I shouldn’t be allowed on a motorized scooter (not to mention how inconveniently located wheelchair ramps are. Seriously, could you make it MORE out of the way? No, it’s fine. I’ll go 3 miles out of my way to get on the ramp).

Needless to say, Exercise and I aren’t exactly the best of friends. In fact, I don’t think we’re even on speaking terms. Don’t get me wrong, we used to be really close and we had some great times together. Then, Exercise got a little too demanding of my time and I had to cut ties. We moved around in the same circle for a while and had a few awkward “oh, heeey… what’s up?” encounters but since I’ve entered into a loving, committed relationship with Bone Idleness, I really haven’t seen Exercise.

And I plan to keep it that way.

If my little excursion yesterday taught me anything, it’s that Exercise is a cold, heartless bitch. That’s why, here and now, I would like to embrace my new identity as Laziest Person in America. Yep, that sound you just heard was me popping open a can of Mountain Dew. And yes, that other sound was my skin cells beginning to graft themselves to the couch.

If you have a problem with that, you’re going to have to come talk to me about it.

Oh, and while you’re here, can you grab the remote? I can’t quite reach it.