Let’s face it; almost everything they pass off as “entertainment” on TV these days is absolute crap. Reality TV shows are judged on the number of fights and/or STDs per episode. Dramas are built around melodramatic acting and plots stretched to the absolute limit of believability (*cough* “Grey’s Anatomy” musical episode *cough*). Sitcoms are essentially rips offs of friendship shows like “Cheers” or “Friends” or rips offs of the family show like “The Cosby Show” or “The Brady Bunch”. Anyway you look at it, almost all TV sucks.
Since I figure a pod of manatees randomly selecting balls labeled with plot ideas could come up with better ideas (South Park reference, Holla!), I decided to try my hand at it.
*Attention television executives reading this! These are, obviously, all jokes and should not—at any point—be considered actual suggestions
“Home Living with Lindsay”
Question: who doesn’t like Lindsay Lohan? Answer: Nobody (you know, other than the people she steals from… and her dad… and the people she hit with her car…) On “Home Living”, Lindsay will show you the finer points of being a domestic goddess. In “Lindsay’s Craft Lounge” she will show you everything from bedazzling your house arrest ankle bracelet to sewing pockets into your clothing to make shoplifting easier. On “La Loca in La Kitchen” she will teach you how to bake cakes with hacksaws in them (bake a cake and break out of prison in 60 minutes or less!) and make margaritas rimmed with cocaine (buzz to blackout in 20 minute or less!). Finally on “Laying Back With Lindsay”, Lindsay will show you how to relax. Whether you need to unwind from a stressful day at work or come down from a 72 hour drug induced rampage, Lindsay will teach you proven relaxation techniques learned at one of her numerous trips to rehab.
“Sharing the Love”
Are you sick of stale sitcoms following a group of friends around at various generic-meeting places (coffee house, bar, restaurant)? Well here is the solution for you. Imagine this: the scene opens on the waiting room of a free clinic. Sitting around uncomfortably are 3 guys and 2 girls, all of different ethnicities (Not only does diversity create a much needed ethnic flare—a gumbo, if you will—but it also makes you more likely to win awards. 2011 Emmys, here I come). As the camera pans the group, we notice some trying to discreetly scratch themselves and others shifting uncomfortably in their chairs (probably due to inflammation). They finally begin opening up to each other and we learn their stories little by little. We laugh with Jorge as he tells us of his encounter with a one-legged midget prostitute and cry with Padma as she tells of her disastrous encounter with bestiality. As the series progresses, we see the group try out various sexual partners both inside and outside their group and play a warped game called “pass the venereal disease”. In the end, we fall for the group of loveable misfits with hearts of gold and genitals of toxic waste.
“Ward 23” (Notice the super serious name? That’s how you know this sh*t is serious)
We’ve all seen drama shows centered around doctors: Doctors in clinics. Doctors in hospitals. Doctors in third world countries (btw, ABC, “Off the Map” really sucks. Now might be a good time to cancel it). What we never really see, though, are the patients. Before you say, “portraying real people’s illnesses for dramatic effect is insensitive and exploitive,” let me point out that this is EXACTLY what shows like “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” and “Coming Home” do on a weekly basis. These shows have gotten to the point where their 30-second commercials are enough to reduce someone to tears. This blatant manipulation of human emotions (regardless of the ethics) is really all I’m going for with “Ward 23”. It will essentially be set in a mental hospital where we will see people at their absolute lowest: crippling depression, abuse and neglect issues, extreme forms of schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, and a myriad of other issues. These will all be played out week after week with no regard for continuity, plot, or character development but with the sole purpose of making you cry. After all, that is the mark of a truly good drama, right Lifetime channel?
“Bieber Battle Royale”
Imagine the cutthroat intensity and backstabbing of “America’s Next Top Model” combined with the extreme element of “Survivor” combined with the raging hormones of teenage girls. That’s right. I’ve struck upon reality TV gold. We will pick 12 of Justin Bieber’s biggest fans and leave them on an island together with the promise that whoever survives will get to meet the Biebs himself (herself? itself?). Week after week we will challenge the girls’ strength, drive, and intelligence and eliminate them one by one at a dramatic ceremony a la “The Bachelor”. Each girl will receive a flash drive which plugged into a computer will either play “Baby” or “Never Say Never”. If the girl receives “Baby”, she is till in the competition but the girl who receives “Never Say Never” will be sent packing. Sound like standard TV so far? Well here’s where the fun comes in. When a girl is eliminated, she can either go home or face off with a ferocious beast in a gladiator battle to the death. To get the audience involved, each week, fans of the show can vote for next week’s animal either by texting on your AT&T mobile devices or visiting our website bbr.com. When at last there are only two competitors left, we will let them face off in an epic battle. The girls will have to find their way through a maze filled with dangers (Shout out “Harry Potter” number 4!) and at the center, find a variety of weapons (once again, voted on by the audience). The girls will then fight each other to the death. Whoever survives gets to meet Justin Bieber (although they will probably faint with excitement before that happens).
“Sally Stereotype”
Let’s face it; nothing is more elegant and classy than an animated television series. Looking at shows like “Family Guy”, “The Simpsons”, and “South Park”, it’s easy to see that animated television is truly the highbrow, intellectual, NPR of television. The shows provide insight into our collective unconscious, amuse us with always subtle humor, and set a standard for all other types of media to live up to. Keeping this in mind, I have come up with the perfect animated series to propel me into the upper echelon of television. In “Sally Stereotype”, we will explore the town of Melting Pot and meet delightful characters like Haatim Hindu, Isaac Israeli, Maysan Muslim, Francine French, Miguel Mexican, and other delightfully (and appropriately) named characters. Each character will only act in a way that supports the racial stereotype that exists about their culture. This way, their behavior will not be confusing to audiences or cause them to think deeply about what our different assumptions and prejudices say about us. We will completely reinforce every stereotype in the book. Maysan Muslim will constantly walk around with a bulky package under her clothing while Artie American will eye her suspiciously and “anonymously” call homeland security on her. Meanwhile, Gretel German will move into Francine French’s home without invitation while Francine French huddles in a corner crying for Bobby British to save her. Jirou Japanese will make sushi while Miguel Mexican does landscaping. Coworkers Aarif Arab and Isaac Israeli will fight over parking spaces. And so on and so forth. And if you think this idea sounds offensive, it’s only because you are not evolved enough to understand it.
“Jersey Shore”
Get this: a group of young, ignorant, self professed “guidos” will move into a house together for a summer at the Jersey shore. We will watch them party, go to the gym, tan, do laundry and most of all realize that one should “never fall in love at the Jersey shore” (oh, they might go to the beach once a season too). There will be romance, hook ups, arrests, fights, and more Douche-baggery than even Guy Fieri can handle (shout out, Lexi Gusso). To make this more interesting, we will introduce a mythical “Snooki-monster” (the love child of a oompa loomp and a succubus) who’s skill set includes: grinding on “gorillas”, sobbing hysterically after being rejected by said gorillas, and stumbling around drunkenly. Essentially the only thing we are hoping for in this series is that no one kills anyone else from ‘roid rage.
Ah, who am I kidding, that last one would never work.
Do you have an idea for a TV show? Comment below. If it’s not completely stupid, I’ll post it up on the blog later!
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