The Bathroom: Revisited

Part of my job description is cleaning the pool house every night after we close. That includes bathrooms. And you have no idea how disgusting these bathrooms are. I only go in there if I’m wearing a hazmat suit. Anyway, this got me thinking about bathroom etiquette and rules. Luckily for both of us, I already wrote a blog about this! I made a few minor adjustments and added a couple disgusting stories but read and enjoy. And then wash your hands because they are probably filthy just from talking about public restrooms.

First of all. Public restrooms are disgusting. Everyone knows this. Since bathroom filth is a known fact, I am absolutely shocked that I even need to say this but… Always, always, always wear shoes in a restroom. Honestly, how could you walk into a public restroom without shoes and not immediately want to chop your feet off then jump into a vat of acid? It is absolutely filthy. Even thinking about what could be on that floor makes me want to vomit. And if I ever see you in a bathroom without shoes on, I swear I will shun you for life (Hutterite style). Maybe you think I’m over reacting but a couple weeks ago I had to pick poop up off the floor at the pool. I wore gloves and washed my entire body afterwards but that shit is nasty. Why would you willingly walk in a bathroom without shoes after knowing that FECES has been picked up where your bare feet are. If I still haven’t scared you, think about this… When you walk barefoot through a bathroom, you are carrying EVERYTHING that has been on that floor with you for the rest of the day—potentially even into your bed.

Secondly, there has always been an unspoken rule about bathroom stall etiquette but apparently some people need a refresher course. Unless the bathroom is absolutely packed, do not, under any circumstances go into a stall next to an already occupied stall. From what I understand, every guy knows the whole “never use the middle urinal” rule so why can’t we all learn the “don’t go right next to someone when there are 500 other stalls open” rule? It just creates a whole new level of awkwardness that is not necessary. I shouldn’t be forced to listen to you making weird sounds as you vacate fluids or… other stuff from your body. Just go away!

Thirdly, when I’m in a public restroom, I can HEAR when you leave without washing your hands. If you are over the age of 3, you have no excuse for that disgusting-ness. Seriously, who doesn’t wash their hands?!? Don’t you feel disgusting (because you should)? There are literally millions of little bacteria (which I imagine to have the body of a tick and the head of comedian Carrot Top) running around all over your hands. Isn’t that a disturbing image? Do you KNOW where Carrot Top has been?!? And how big of a hurry can you be in that you don’t have 30 seconds to wash your hands? Unless you are the president of the United States, you don’t have anywhere that important to be (btw Obama, I still expect you to wash your hands unless there is some national emergency).

Also—this should go without saying—but can we please flush the toilet? How can you not flush the toilet? On my list of “Most Disgusting Things Ever” a non-flushed toilet is right above Diet Mountain Dew and right below dislocated body parts in my top 5. I’m not even going to go further in this paragraph because you all know when I bring DMD (aka the drink of the Devil) and/or dislocated body parts into the equation I am SERIOUS.

Lastly, I’d like to ask “What Were You Thinking?” to people who design bathrooms. My main beef is with the asshole who designed those water faucets. You know the kind that has a self-timer but you have to push it in to make it go? First of all, they give you zero control over water temperature so it starts off cold enough to cause frostbite then suddenly becomes so hot that you’re lucky if you don’t need to go to the nearest burn unit. Secondly, the water runs for about 1.43 seconds. This makes ZERO sense. Aren’t all those health department people always telling us to wash our hands for at least 30 seconds or some nonsense? How am I supposed to do that if every other second the water is shutting off? And how are my hands ever going to be clean if I have to keep touching the faucet which has my germs and everyone else’s germs on it? I can’t decide if these faucets were designed by a mentally challenged blind child or are some terrorist attack designed to bring America down from the inside. Either way, it makes my life miserable.

Let’s face it. Public restrooms are nasty, dirty places that you should avoid at all costs. Seriously, just hold it until you get home or find a tree to squat behind. We would all be better off.

Baby Quiz

I’ve been thinking about how much I want to have a kid lately.

And when I say “how much?” the answer is “not at all.”

Don’t think I just jumped to this conclusion, however. I spent a lot of time thinking it over carefully and at the end of the day created this fool proof quiz to see if I was ready for Parenthood. If you find yourself in a similar situation where you are thinking it might be time to have a kid, maybe this quiz can help.

1. You know how to file your own tax return without your parents’ help? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 2

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

2. You have a steady job that does not involve you removing clothes for money? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 3

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

Parenting: You're doing it wrong

3. You would be ok with someone other than your drunken friend throwing up on your shirt? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 4

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

4. You’re 14 or older? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 5

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

5. You can handle human feces in all colors, textures, and consistencies? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 6

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

6. You know that Dora the Explorer is a children’s television show and not a sexual role-play game? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 7

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

7. You have somewhere to put a child other than a cardboard box lined with newspaper at the foot of your bed? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 8

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

8. You can sit through interactive television shows without throwing something at the tv, swearing, or gesturing inappropriately? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 9

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

Inappropriate and offensive but still kind of funny

9. You are capable of opening childproof locks, toilet seats, gates, and lids? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 10

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

Wtf is this lock? Looks like you need the cast of Ocean's Eleven to get into the cabinet

10. You are willing to spend the majority of your money for the next 18 years on someone other than yourself? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 11

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

11. You don’t mind the sight/sound/smell of children? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 12

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

12. You’re sure about your answer to 11? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 13

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

13. You don’t mind the sticky feeling of jam that children seem to leave on everything they touch? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 14

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

14. You are aware that boarding schools are expensive and they still send the kids home for vacations and visits? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 15

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

15. You still want to have children after taking this quiz? (Y/N)

Proceed to the results section

Results

YES: If you answered “yes” to every single question, congratulations you crazy bastard! Sounds like you’re ready to slide a couple mini-me’s out of your lady parts. Though I certainly can’t understand your desire, I wish you the best of luck with your demon life-ruiners children. And remember, when you need someone to teach them swimming lessons… knock on someone else’s door.

This is your future

NO: If you answered “no” to any question up there, CONGRATULATIONS! You are not ready to have children and should keep your legs closed/keep it in your pants depending on your sex. Seriously. You are clearly not ready for the responsibility of having a child and depending on your answers to questions 11, 12, and 14, you might have a serious hatred of children and should avoid having one at all costs.

If you answered “no” to questions 6 and 7 you should seek some mental help because there is clearly something wrong with you. I’m not here to judge but… you are a sick freak who should be ashamed of yourself.

If you answered “no” to questions 4 and 9 you need to get back to school and quit being a whore. You are way too young and have some serious growing up to do. Maybe you can think more about children when you graduate from watching “Nick JR” to straight up “Nickelodeon.”

If you answered “no” to questions 2 and 3, you should rethink your future. Sign up for some online courses or something. Rethink your priorities. Please, just get your shit together.

I genuinely hope this quiz has been helpful. If you know anyone who is thinking about getting pregnant, do us all a favor and show the quiz to them.

Remember, only you can prevent pregnancies.

Open Letter to Sarah McLachlan

Dear Sarah,

First of all, I think you’re great. I really appreciate that “I Will Remember You” song. Super catchy and really upbeat. Also, I really enjoy songs that employ “do do do-do do do do” as lyrics.

Secondly, I’m a huge fan of Dawson’s Creek and I love that you did the theme song to that! Oh wait, that was Paula Cole. You guys sound the EXACT same. Anyway, that’s a great song, isn’t it?

Now let’s dispense with the pleasantries. Pull that ASPCA commercial off the air now or I will personally run up to every dog or cat I see and kick it. Just kidding. I could never kick a dog.

Seriously though, what are you doing with those commercials? It’s like a sneak attack of clinical depression.

I mean, here I am minding my own business watching a rerun of Friends and—BOOM—I see some dog with giant eyes staring up at me as your crappy “Angel” song comes on. Next thing I know I’m lying on the floor in the fetal position sobbing.

I didn’t even know dogs and cats could cry until watching your commercials when you somehow managed to get some tears to drop.

I’m all for helping animals. I mean, I even donated to ASPCA once (and you’re still sending me stuff asking me to contribute more… no one likes gold diggers). I just am not sure commercials that make the watchers feel like assholes is the best way to go about it. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even watch the ads anymore. If I see so much as dog in a commercial, I turn the channel in fear that next thing I hear will be “in the arms of an angel…” It’s too emotionally draining for me (so emotionally draining that when I first typed that sentence I had used the wrong “too”).

It also doesn’t help that the commercial is approximately 3 hours long. Seriously, I change the channel, wait about 10 minutes and go back thinking it will be over but instead see some cat with its eyeball torn out pawing at the camera. Have you ever thought about saving some of the millions of dollars you spend buying ad time and feeding the animals that way? I’m sure they’d rather have food and bigger cages than be forced to hear that “Angel” song multiple times a day.

Since I like you, I’m willing to cut you a deal: you pull the ad off the air and I won’t kill you. I think that’s more than fair.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this and I look forward to the changes you are going to make to ASPCA’s approach (i.e. not making want to jump in front of a bus). I wish you luck in all your future endeavors (unless your endeavors involve more weeping animals)

Sincerely,

KB Thinks For You (and the rest of the world’s population)

PS

Have you ever actually seen this commercial? I just can’t believe if you had you’d let is air. Literally more depressing than those ads about starving children and that’s saying something.

Bella, Anastasia and Why Women Need to Grow a Pair

Well, I’ve now read the first book in the Twilight series and the first in the Fifty Shades of Grey one. And my only comment is: COME ON LADIES. PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

I know Twilight is supposed to be this epic love story and Fifty Shades is supposed to be some erotic book but I could not get past how absolutely stupid both the “heroines” are! (And the fact that the authors seem stuck at a third-grade writing level. But that’s neither here nor there)

Stephanie Meyer working on her latest masterpiece

A basic rundown of the plot for those of you lucky enough to be untainted by Twilight is that a girl, Bella, moves to Washington state where she falls in love with a guy named Edward. Problem: Edward’s a vampire and is really only into Bella because her blood smells good. Bella thinks to herself “wow, he must really love me!” Uh… no. He wants to eat you. As if that’s not bad enough, he comes into her room every night while she’s sleeping and just watches her. And when she finds out she thinks it’s romantic! Also, he sparkles in the sun which is just f-ing stupid.

Seriously guys. What the fuck?

It’s a little bit harder to describe 50 Shades of Grey because it is essentially just a paperback porno. Basically the heroine, Anastasia, meets a young billionaire, Christian and falls for him. (Pause here, wtf kind of name is “Anastasia?” Unless you are a Russian princess that name is ridiculous) Anyway, things get weird when on their first date, he flies her in his private helicopter to his apartment where he shows her his kinky S&M room. Yeah, you read that right. He has a room just for S&M stuff. The rest of the book is basically just them screwing. Seriously. There’s really not even a plot. They just screw. Everywhere.

The plot to 50 Shades

S&M’s not really my thing but, hey, you’re more than welcome to do whatever you need to. It’s none of my business. My problem with this book—and Twilight—is how stupid both Anastasia and Bella are and I want to talk to them one-on-one.

Bella:

-Edward watching you sleep for months without your knowledge is NOT “romantic.” It is creepy as hell and the fact that you are okay with it makes me question your sanity.

-Why are you attracted to someone who sparkles in the sun? Are you also sexually attracted to Lisa Frank unicorns? It’s the same thing.

"Look at how hot that unicorn is!"- said by no one, ever.

-He initially wants to get with you because your blood smells good to him. That’s dangerous and not in the good leather-jacket-motorcycle way. To put it into terms that you might understand… that would be like you trying to date a pig because you like to eat ham. Do you not understand how f-ed up that is?

-Like I said, I haven’t read or seen anything but the first book but I’m given to understand that he leaves you to keep you safe… and you go off the deep end and drive your motorcycle off a cliff. I just—I can’t—What—Can you explain to me what the hell is wrong with you? It’s the 21^st century. You have the right to vote, play sports, earn the same amount as men, and other things yet you, dumb bitch, base your entire self-worth off of a man. Thank you for setting the Women’s Movement back 100 years.

They didn't have room to put "unless our boyfriend leaves us" on the poster

Anastasia

-Christian gives you a contract to sign that details what you have to do to be his S&M submissive. Let me repeat: a contract. That should be your first sign to get away.

-Things in the contract include some really, REALLY kinky stuff. Like I said earlier, I’m not here to judge you but… you are freaked out when you read the contract. CLEARLY you aren’t into it. Yet you still do it.

-The contract includes clauses that dictate how much sleep you have to get a night, the fact that you have to work out 4 times a week with a personal trainer of Christian’s choice that will report back to Christian, a list of foods that you are and are not allowed to eat, and the fact that you can only wear clothes that Christian buys for you. You jokingly call him a “control freak” but this shit’s not a joke! I’m pretty sure slaves had more freedom than he’s giving you. But, instead of a) telling him "this is cray!" and walking out the door or b) telling him you refuse to do what he tells you… YOU NEGOTIATE WITH HIM ON THE TERMS OF THE CONTRACT. If you don’t see what’s wrong with that, I don’t think I can get through to you

-Christian buys you a car, a computer, a blackberry, and an extensive wardrobe… in exchange for sex. That technically makes you a prostitute. And you’re not even the Pretty Woman “whore with a heart of gold,” you’re just clueless

She's laughing at your naiveté... and the fact your name is Anastasia 

-Christian told you that has a file on you complete with your birth certificate, social security card, and bank account number… and you don’t bat an eye

-You finally break up with Christian after the sex gets too kinky for you. Good for you. Oh wait. That’s not why you broke up with him? You broke up with him because you didn’t think you were enough for him and he deserves more? (stunned silence) You are hopeless.

Ok Bella and Anastasia, what did we learn from this?

Oh yeah, that you two are f@cking idiots.

Girls, we may not have dicks but we do have brains so would you please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD use them?