As we all know, the Internet is a magical place where people of all ethnicities, religions, economic backgrounds, and genders can come together in one giant orgy of opinion. Unfortunately, not everyone has an opinion worth hearing. And by “not everyone” I really mean, “basically no one”. The Internet has essentially become a spawning place for evil. From old men posing as teenagers praying to God they don’t end up on “To Catch a Predator” to prepubescent girls declaring their love for Justin Bieber, the Internet is a place where everyone—and I do mean Everyone—has an opinion.
Conquering my fear of catching Idiocy through Internet exposure, I bravely dove head first into one of the seediest areas of the Internet: Youtube. Going there, you never know what you will find: drugged children, hilarious parodies, fan videos bordering on creepy, or the unexpectedly disgusting video that leaves you dry heaving over a toilet, youtube really does have it all. The most magical thing about youtube, however, is the ability for people to comment on any video they want.
Needless to say, most of these comments come from one of two areas: people hopelessly trying to sound intelligent/poetic/insightful or the Justin Bieber/Miley Cyrus contingent WhO iNsIsT oN tYpInG lIkE tHiS and feel :D or L is an adequate way to express the range of their emotions. It is from the brilliant minds of these people that we have gained little nuggets of wisdom like
“@selenagomez stay away from Justin pedophile, retard wait i'm gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smelly bed“
This, of course, is a tweet from a well-adjusted Bieber fan to Selena Gomez after it was announced they were dating. Aren’t you excited that people like that are the future of our country? But I digress…
As to the matter at hand, I have assembled a variety of youtube comments that LiTeRaLlY made me LOL, ROFL, LMAO, :D, and most of all, make me question mankind’s ability to survive this long.
Note: all comments are exactly as I found them with spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors intact
From a video entitled “Dog Paddling with Dolphins”
“There is something special about dolphins, something that concects us to them. After all we came from the water millions of years ago and I think that when we see them something turns on in a lost corner of our brain, there among the dna endless strains of information, something that tells us that once we were like them.”
Thank you, youtube user mikeborga, for this insightful look at dolphins. You are so right and never have I felt more connected to dolphins and the sea than I did after reading this comment. Dare I say, “something turned on in a lost corner of my brain”? Seriously though, I can’t help but read this comment and imagine a 40 year old, slightly over weight man wearing a dolphin graphic T youtubing “dolphin videos” while waiting to start a quest on World of Warcraft. What makes this comment even better is that it had 35 thumbs up and was the highest rated comment on the video. I cAn’T sToP smh.
It’s a common fact that 90% of all Internet users are girls under the age of 15 and of that percentage, 95% have unhealthy delusions that they are dating Justin Bieber and/or are best friends with Miley Cyrus. Of this percentage, 99% percent would kill anyone who had the audacity to disagree with them.
As evidence of this unholy devotion, I present a comment taken from “Miley Cyrus- One in a Million (Fan video)
“idk how could i not like her before, she's a really good person, i realized it when i read Miles To Go. Yes, she is... one in a MILLIARD.”
This is one of those instances when you should definitely keep your thoughts to yourself. I’m not sure which part of this comment I find more offensive, the fact that she tried to mash up “Miley”, “million”, and presumably one other word (the closest thing I can guess is “lizard”) or the fact that “Miles To Go” is probably the only book this girl has read. Either way, to quote Monty Python: “I fart in your general direction” youtube user LidiaLovesLindsay.
Of course, this comment is not nearly as bad as the nugget of advice user vinice12reali gave us with her eloquent defense of Justin Bieber on the video “Baby ft. Ludacris”:
“shut the f*** up ok? he's talented UNLIKE YOU! so shut the f*** up and get a life you f***ing pervert and go f*** your daddy”
Ah, yes, the old “go f*** your daddy” routine. How mature. How ladylike. How delightfully white trashy. I would comment more on this but I’m afraid vinice12reali will find out where I live.
If you still have some—slight—hope in humanity after reading these comments, just wait… Tomorrow I’m going to post Part 2 that has a few more gems and many more delightful and insightful comments from yours truly.
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