Have Some Class in Class

I’ve been in school for 16 loooong years and almost as long as I can remember, people in school have been doing things to piss me off. I know that it’s a free country so they way you act is your prerogative but it is also my prerogative to back-hand slap you when you get out of line.

First of all; Do. Not. Under. Any. Circumstances. Ever. put your feet on the back of my chair and proceed to jiggle your leg up and down. Maybe it’s just a weird pet peeve of mine but I don’t like sitting through an earthquake in the middle of class. If you keep jiggling your leg up and down, I swear to God, I will tear you apart limb from limb faster than you can say “NOT MY STRONG HAND”.

Though that is my number one classroom pet peeve, there are a few other things you can do to make sure you end up on my hit list.

1.     Cell phone use. I get it, we live in the 21^st century and your phone is essentially welded to your arm.  I’m guilty of it too. That being said, can you at least turn the volume off? Chances are I already don’t like you as a person so hearing your phone play some crappy Ke$ha song just makes me thismuch more likely to kick you. Also, putting your phone on vibrate doesn’t make it that much quieter. As a matter of fact, a vibrating blackberry on a desk is about the same volume as an airplane taking off. Can’t you just put your phone on mute like every single other person in the class?

2.     Gum chewing. I like gum as much as the next person but I like to chew it rather than chomp like some people. I’m not entirely sure why some people feel the need to chew so hard their teeth recede in to their gums but it is the loudest sound in the world and it needs to stop ASAP.

3.     Seating. Your first chance to piss me off is actually on the very first day of class. I know almost everything I need to know about you from the seat you pick the first day. If you sit in the back, I’m going to assume you are a stoner and will miss half the classes (therefore staying out of my way and not annoying me). If, however, you sit in the very front, I can pretty much guarantee I will hate you. Don’t ask me why. It’s just a feeling I have about people that are that into learning and I immediately assume you are going to be a suck up (which makes me want to throw my gum in your hair).

4.     Class participation. If you raise your hand to answer a question or make a comment more than 5 times in a class period, I can guarantee I’ve had at least one fantasy of chopping your arm off and rubbing salt in the wound. If I’m paying 50,000 a year to go to this school, I’m expecting to learn something from people who have a masters or higher, not something one of my peers—with significantly less intelligence than me—thinks. Call me arrogant if you want but nothing is more annoying than hearing a 3^rd grade level interpretation from someone who thinks they are presenting Nobel-prize worthy.

Now, just because you haven’t done something that is specifically on this list, don’t feel bad. At one time or another, I can almost guarantee you’ve pissed me off in some way “so keep your wick in the air and your feet in the fetters” (Shins reference!)