How To Avoid "How To" Lists

I recently saw a cover to some teen magazine telling me they had 859 ways to get pretty for summer.  After immediately clutching the magazine to my chest and exclaiming in my best southern drawl “thank the lord for that”, I tossed the magazine to the ground and stomped on it in haughty derision.

I used to wonder where they came up with these “How To” lists because they seem to answer every single question I could ever have about being a girl. And let’s face it, navigating girl world without the aid of an extensive “How To Dress for My Body Type” is like jumping from an airplane without a chute: most likely deadly but on the off chance of survival, painful and disfiguring.

For those of you either just learning how to read or too dense to pick up on it: that was SARCASM.

These lists are worse than useless. Each magazine has about four lists just like this that they shuffle and reprint under a new title every few months. They also tell you generic, common sense things like “if you have a jello-y butt, don’t wear leggings”. At their best, lists like these are boring. At their worst, they prey on the insecurities of their prepubescent audience. Whatever you want to call them, they are a colossal waste of time.

I use to try to read those lists but about 5 (not-so) helpful hints in, I would give up and flip to the celebrity interview where I proceeded to mock the star mercilessly for begging for more privacy (WHILE GIVING AN INTERVIEW) and scoff at their claims of being bullied in high school—but we’ll save these complaints for a later blog.

In the end, I realized these supposedly authoritative lists of “How To Get the Proper Hair Cut for Your Face” or “How To Tell if He’s Into You” (hint: if he is ignoring your texts and dodging you in the hallway, he probably isn’t) are nothing more than a combination of the magazine’s need for a monthly filler while boosting advertising and the magazine editor’s futile attempts at clinging to her youth.

Have you ever looked at the editor’s page in any of those magazines? They are all single women in their 40’s with unfortunate body types. Given the fact that they have used their perfectly manicured hands to claw their way to the top, have undoubtedly stabbed a few friends in the back with their Jimmy Choos, and have sacrificed their social lives in the pursuit of controlling a magazine they loved as pre-teens, these lists are nothing more than a way for them to exert some small amount of control in a life that has spiraled.

So in the spirit of the day, here is the only “How To” you’ll ever need.

“How To Succeed in Life Without Reading ‘How To’ Lists”

1.     Throw away all lists of others telling you what to do

2.     Wipe those tears of uncertainty off your face (they make your skin blotchy)

3.     On a fresh sheet of paper, write “I will do what I want, how I want, when I want”

4.     Now go do what’s on your list (and don’t cry to me if you fail)

And since you will now no longer be spending money on magazine subscriptions: lean back, relax, and crack open a can of Mountain Dew.