We live in the most the most wonderful country in the world.
And no, it’s not because of about all of the rights guaranteed to us by the
Constitution or the ridiculous amounts of money we make in comparison to Third
World Countries or even the mind-boggling amount of all you can eat buffets we
have.
It’s because we have access to the widest range of “Crap
that No One Ever Needs.”
When you spend as much time watching TV as I do, you become
accustomed to seeing products that make your head spin with their sheer idiocy.
Is it any wonder there is a stereotype of a “Stupid American?” After seeing
these products, I’m convinced it’s true.
“Kickstart” by Mountain Dew
Anyone who
knows me in even the slightest way knows that I have a very serious Mountain
Dew dependency (I could totally quit anytime I wanted to). Apparently I’m not
the only one so Mountain Dew decided to extend their empire to morning
beverages made with juice. This is a direct quote from ABCnews about Kickstart:
“Simon Lowden, chief
marketing officer for PepsiCo's Americas beverages, says the idea for Kickstart
came about after the company learned through consumer research that Mountain
Dew fans were looking for an alternative to traditional morning drinks such as
coffee, tea and juice.” I’m honestly not surprised that Mountain Dew
fans are not interested in traditional morning drinks; I’m more surprised that
Mountain Dew fans get up early enough to have the option of traditional morning
drinks. I always figured the majority were lazy slackers like myself. Anyway, this
might be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. If you’re drinking
Mountain Dew, you’ve clearly already given up on your health so why pretend
that you want a healthy morning alternative? Does adding orange juice to the
battery acid/sugar mix really make it a “morning” drink? More importantly, why
would anyone want to taint the Nectar of the Gods with something as revolting
as orange juice? I’m disappointed, Mountain Dew. I think the only way to make
this up to me is to provide me with free MD for life. I think it’s only fair.
AquaRug
I only saw
a commercial for this product one time and it was the most magical minute of my
life. It started off asking the age-old question: “Don’t you love the feel of
carpet between your toes?” And I thought to myself, “yes, yes I do.” As if the
commercial knew my response, it asked me “Don’t you wish you could have that
nice feeling while in the shower?” Before I even had time to respond, they
shouted to me “NOW YOU CAN!” That’s right! There is now carpet… FOR YOUR
SHOWER! Do you realize how many lives this can change? Carpet. In. Your.
Shower. Point proven.
Legos for Girls
Did you
have the misfortune to have a little girl instead of a little boy? If so, my
condolences. It must be terrible. I mean, how do you know what items to buy for
it? Thankfully, Lego solved all of our problems by creating Legos specifically
designed for little girls. Not only are they appropriately colored (pastels,
naturally) but the pieces are nice and big and easy to put together. The last
thing we’d want is for little girls to have problems putting pieces together
because their little female minds’ can’t handle basic shape patterns. In case
you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic. I f****** loved Legos when I was little
AND I managed to hold my own with the regular kind so… Lego manufacturers:
please pull your heads out of your asses.
Food Fragrance Body Products
This, my
friends, may be the worst product on this list. Don’t get me wrong: I love the
smell of food but that doesn’t mean I want to walk around smelling like that
food for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, certain companies did not get that
memo. Take Pizza Hut for instance. They thought to themselves “Hey, people love
our pizza. Why not give them the smell of our pizza to have all day long?” So…
they invented their own perfume. Yep. You read that right. Pizza Hut has their
own pizza scented perfume. What idiot wakes up in the morning and decides that
they want to smell like Pizza Hut pizza for the rest of the day? If you are
doing it in a misguided attempt to attract the opposite sex, let me tell you;
it’s not gonna work. Or maybe you’re doing it as a part of your weight loss
strategy; like “if I smell it, I won’t eat it.” But that’s like putting an
alcoholic in a bar and thinking it will cure their alcoholism. Or maybe you
just really like the smell of Pizza Hut pizza in which case you still shouldn’t
want that to be your signature scent.
Any products you think I should have included?
