Christmas Letter from the Make It Stop Foundation

Friends. Family. Cherished acquaintances. Secret adversaries. Random people who stumbled upon this blog and have already been drawn in by my charm.

December is International Bieber Fever Awareness Month.

Ever since 2008, as small group of people called Make It Stop (MIS) has been fighting the spread of an epidemic known as Bieber Fever. As of yet, there is no known cure but, this December, by donating $5 to MIS, you can save a child’s life.

What is Bieber Fever?

The origins of Bieber Fever are well known, even if the intricacies and the ultimate cure elude us. In 2008, a young lesbian young boy with the hair of an angel was discovered on youtube.

 One is a lesbian and one is Justin Bieber. Guess which?

In a short amount time, he was one of the biggest stars in the world. In fact, his rise was so meteoric that some have suggested Bieber has ties to certain Russian crime syndicates or is a member of the Illuminati. While neither report has been “proven” by real “journalists,” Justin Bieber’s camp has not denied these charges leading many to believe he is hiding something in that gorgeous hair.

Is this a confession?

Since his rise to the top, numerous men, women, children, and tween girls have fallen victim to Bieber Fever. Symptoms are numerous, varied, and sudden making it all the more difficult to treat.

 A mass case of Bieber Fever

Bieber has released a number of songs in the past few years, each raising his popularity and exposure. Attacks of Bieber Fever seem to happen the most immediately after a release of a song and doctors are working to find what it is that induces this tragic disease. Is it the afore mentioned hair? Is it the silky smooth dance moves? Is it the fact that he talks like gangster from the hood when he is, in reality, a skinny white kid from Canada? Or is it perhaps his lyrics?

Lyrics like:

“Baby, baby, baby, no / baby, baby, baby, oh” -Baby

“Eenie, meanie, miney, mo / catch a bad chick by her toe… ‘cause shorty is an eenie, meanie, miney, mo lova”- Eenie Meanie

“Me plus you, I’ma tell you one time (repeated 3 times)”- One Time

“But I’ma be under the mistletoe / with you, shawty with you”- Mistletoe

These lyrics have confounded some of the greatest minds of our time. Is there some sort of subliminal message or dark magic woven into these lyrics that causes people everywhere to contract Bieber Fever?

We don't yet know.

What you can do to help

Unfortunately, there is no known cure to Bieber Fever and it is estimated that once every 7 seconds someone, somewhere in the world is afflicted with this disease.

Think about that. Once every 7 seconds.

That person could be you.

We aren’t asking you to donate much. All we ask is that this December, you remember the very real threat Bieber Fever poses to us. So please, help.

Donate $5. Donate 5 cents. Donate $500. Just whatever you do, please donate.

Then, share our message with those you know.

The only way to stop the spread of this disease is to raise awareness.

A voice shared is a life saved.

 Please help.

Happy Holidays from your friends at MIS

The Truth Behind El Excellente “Dora the Explorer”

This past Sunday, I spent an hour watching Nickelodeon’s Dora the Explorer. And what an hour it was.

My roommate and I watched “Dora’s Enchanted Forest” which is a misleading title because it isn’t actually “Dora’s” forest. More accurately, it’s King Unicornio’s, a unicorn (10 pts for Nick for originality). Actually, if you really want to get into specifics, the forest belongs to everyone. At least, that’s what they sing in the song at the end. But leave it to that little bitch Dora to take ownership.

It's all MIIINNNNEEE

And Dora. Can I just talk to you for a moment?

You are so f@cking needy.

First, you leave home. Your parents are probably frantically waiting by the phone for you to call. They’ve got an Amber Alert out and neighborhood search parties formed and here you are, running around God-knows-where with a monkey. Normally, I’d be ok with you doing all of this by yourself but what really pisses me off is you can’t go more than three seconds without asking me a question.

First I have to get your map out and memorize the route and repeat it to you because apparently you can’t read a map yourself. (Maybe it’s just me but if I identified myself as an “Explorer,” I’d probably have basic navigation skills like map reading)

 Damn it, Dora. Do it yourself.

After I get your map and repeat the instructions to you, we get to a fork in the road. In the distance down one path is the cornfield we are supposed to go through and on the other path is some sketchy-ass windmill aka something that isn’t on our map. At every single fork in the road Dora stops, looks at me, and asks where we’re supposed to go.

I DON’T KNOW, BITCH. MAYBE TO THE CORNFIELD LIKE I TOLD YOU 3 SECONDS AGO.

What’s worse, after I tell her this, she just blankly stares at me for about 10 seconds before saying, “That’s right! Which path should I use to get there?”

I DON’T KNOW, BITCH. USE YOUR EYES. I CAN SEE IT FROM HERE.

Again, she stares at me for 10 seconds before saying, “That’s right! Let’s go!”

 "Which way do I go to get to that tree that I can see from here and is on this path?"

As we walk down the right path (finally) Owl, the villain, inevitably does something to stop us. Owl’s a huge asshole.

Eventually, we get to a bridge over mud that is approximately 3 inches deep. Owl has his minions remove two screws from the top of the bridge and it tumbles into the mud.

Two screws and the whole thing tumbles in? That does not seem structurally sound.

 This isn't the bridge from the Dora I watched but apparently shoddy construction is typical in Dora's travels

So what does Dora do? Does she get down and walk in the mud for 15 ft and get her shoes muddy? No way!

She spots some elves doing work on the other side of the mud and imperiously order ME to yell to them to come help us. Why can’t she do it herself? She clearly has no problem bossing me around.

This is the face of a modern day slave 

Anyway, the elves come, she explains her dilemma and the elves get down in the mud (which, as I previously stated, is about 3 inches deep) and REBUILD THE MOTHER F@CKING BRIDGE FOR HER!

Also, I would like to pause here and note that the elves

1) build the bridge from the top down which is completely impossible and against the laws of physics so I have to question this show’s status as “educational”
2) one of the elves happens to be carrying around two small screws which he uses to screw the bridge back together. Two tiny screws? NOT OK

3) the elves have screws but no screwdriver (wtf kind of logic is that) but Dora, luckily, remembers she has one in her back pack.

So what does she do? MAKES ME GET HER F@CKING BACKPACK OUT AND LOOK FOR IT!

 Most frightening backpack I've ever seen

So I open up this little shanty’s (new word meaning “stupid bitch”) backpack and what do I find?

The contents of her father’s tool box apparently. We’ve got a wrench, pliers, a screw driver, a hammer, and a saw.

A SAW

Let’s review. A three year old child has run away from home to go to the Enchanted Forest to help King Unicornio reclaim his throne and what does she pack in her backpack? A SAW. No water, no food, no money or way to contact home. Just A SAW.

There is so much more to go into here but for now, this is going to have to suffice. I have to go now because my shanty friend Dora is making me do her laundry and give Boots (her rabid and possibly mangy monkey) a bath.

 Children, if a monkey approaches you with a yellow tail and underbelly, run away. It's got mange.

Adios Amigos

Ghost Adventures!

Last week, I admitted my love for Ghost Adventures and declared that I was embarrassed by it.

Since then, I’ve been thinking, why should I be embarrassed about watching what can only be described as the greatest show ever made?

 Best. Show. Ever.

YOU should be embarrassed for not watching it.

And here’s why.

Whoa. Hang on. Let’s back track and I’ll give you a little need-to-know info. Ghost Adventures is a documentary show on the Travel Channel with Zak Bagans. Actually, let’s let Zak describe it as he does in the intro of every show, “My name is Zak Bagans. I never believed in ghosts until I came face to face with one. So I set out on a quest to capture what I once saw onto video. With no big camera crews following us around, I am joined only by my fellow investigator Nick Groff and our equipment tech Aaron Goodwin. The three of us will travel to some of the most highly active paranormal locations, where we will spend an entire night, being locked down from dusk until dawn. Raw; extreme; these are our Ghost Adventures.”

And, God help me, every time I hear these words, said in the most melodramatic voice EVER, I get ridiculously excited.

And here are the top 5 reasons you will too

5. It’s hilarious

            Yes, yes. I’m aware that it is a ghost show and isn’t supposed to be funny. Apparently nobody told Zak, Nick, and Aaron because it is one of the most hilarious things on television. There are no words to describe how awesome it is to watch Nick panicking about being touched, “Bro. No, bro. Something is (bleep)ing touching me. Dude. There was something right (bleep)ing behind me.” To be honest though, the highlight of the show is Aaron’s face any time anything remotely weird happens. I can’t do the face justice so I will just let it speak for itself.

 Hahaha. Let's all point and laugh

4. It’ll scare the sh!t out of you

            I know I just said this show was hilarious and I stand by it but there is something about night vision and a shaky camera that immediately makes my blood pressure go up. As much as I want to dismiss the bumps and shadows as ridiculous, I sort of find myself being like, “HOLY SH!T! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT F@CKING THING?!?” and 10 minutes later I find myself desperately afraid to close my eyes but even more afraid to leave them open.

You think I’m being ridiculous? True story: one day I was watching a Ghost Adventures episode where Aaron got scratched by a spirit and you could see the 3 scratch marks appearing on his leg (3 is a demonic number, according to Zak). When I got home, I felt my leg burning and I looked down and I had 2 scratch marks on my leg. As I looked, I literally saw a 3^rd scratch appear. Out of nowhere. Scariest thing of my life. Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture I took right after it happened (and after I had stopped screaming/sobbing/hiding in my closet)

 True story. That's my leg... after a ghost got a hold of it

3. They scare the sh!t out of themselves

            We already talked about the awesome face that Aaron makes when he gets scared but I just need to reemphasize the fact that they actually get super scared themselves. In the intro, you see Nick sprinting for his life and Zak screaming after him “NO, NO! Stop running! Stop!” Episode after episode we see their ridiculously awesome scared faces and sometimes even hear them let out awesome little-girl screams.

 Somebody needs a change of underwear

2. Zak’s masterful use of the English Language

            I enjoy words. Big words. Small words. Nice words. Mean words. Imagine my pleasure when I discovered that my hero, Zak Bagans, has this same love. Some of his favorites are “manifest,” “entity,” “energy,” and “bastard.” Sometimes he even uses them in the same sentence like “Hey Bastard! Was that you? Were you sucking my energy to manifest yourself into a bastard entity?” He is also a fan of the phrase: “It is said…”

Like; “It is said spirits speak in the white noise” or “It is said spirits give off electromagnetic energy” or “it is that I am a gigantic douche who wears pants too big and shirts too small”

 Pondering poetry... or why his pants are falling off

1. The guys themselves

            I’m about 90% sure I will never get married for any number of reasons (most notably: I am selfish, egotistical, and impossible to please) but if any of these three guys proposed to me, I would be walking down the aisle in a black dress, heavy eyeliner, and blood red lipstick. They are all so awesome in so many different ways. 

Aaron is just a big giant teddy bear that you want to hug… and then teach to read.

 Poor kid. Who let him loose in a book store? That's just mean.

Nick is like the younger brother who just wants to prove he is as good as his older brother… and falls short.

 I'm so sad. Why does everyone like Zak better?

And Zak, what can I say about Zak? There are no words. Other than, “Yes, Zak, I will marry you and move with you to a haunted castle in Transylvania where one or both of us will probably become possessed and lead us to murder our children”

Ladies and Gentlemen, my future husband

And that, friends, is why you will be tuning into Ghost Adventures at every chance you get

The Answers are Somewhere... Just Around the Riverbend

I am extremely proud of my taste in music, books, and movies (not so much in television *cough* Ghost Adventures *cough*). I will look for any excuse to bring up the fact that Ayn Rand is one of my favorite authors (and my philosophical soul-mate). Favorite vocalist of all-time? Billie Holiday. And—honest to God—one of my favorite movies is Gone With the Wind.

Guilty pleasure

I also know ridiculous random facts that no one should know off the top of their heads. For instance, a guy named Wright wrote an entire book called Gadsby without using the letter “e.” Audrey Hepburn always wore shoes at least a size and a half too big. The first male-on-male kiss on a scripted series was in season 3 of Dawson’s Creek.

Television history, yo

All of this wasn’t meant to be a humble brag. I’m flat out telling you that I’m awesome.

But, nothing—absolutely nothing—has taught me more or had a larger influence on my life than Disney’s cinematic masterpiece: Pocahontas.

Considering the fact that I started this blog with the credo “the only things you’ll ever need to know from the only person who knows them all,” I figured I should share some of my knowledge from Pocahontas.

3. Impossible body standards should not be Discouraged but Embraced

            Listen, I’m so sick of hearing that people should accept their bodies. What kind of ridiculous crap is that? Since when do we accept bad things about ourselves? “I’m an meth addict but I accept that about myself.” “I’m an abusive husband but I accept that.” “I have a gigantic tumor on my ball sack but I accept it so it’s not a problem.”

Let’s face it; we are genetically designed to hate ourselves. I have spent the last 12 years of my life trying to get a body like Pocahontas and I have never looked better. I’m currently rocking a 50-inch bust, 15-inch waist, and 43-inch hips and people tell me that I look completely proportional.

 Perfectly proportional

Long story short, Pocahontas had both Kocoum and John Smith falling all over themselves trying to get with her (they both had awesome bodies too. Guys, work on that). Let’s all just make a pact right now that we will try our hardest to try to get these bodies.

I'd tap that 

2.Bilingualism is easy

            Do you remember that awesome scene where both Pocahontas and John Smith can understand each other after only 30 seconds of communication failures? I sure do. It’s one of my favorite scenes because it taught me that the reason I haven’t mastered any other languages wasn’t because I was too lazy and unmotivated but because I simply wasn’t listening with my heart.

 Why didn't I have language classes like this?

See, all Pokey has to do is close her eyes as purple, pink, and orange leaves swirl around her head and she can suddenly understand and speak flawless English (also, if it’s cold enough for there to be leaves falling off the trees, shouldn’t Pokey and Kocoum be wearing more than loincloths?).

Maybe, if we all just close our eyes and listen with our hearts (and wear loincloths?) we too can speak other languages without difficulty.

1. Never take a bullet for someone

            For some unknown, completely ridiculous notion, our society has glorified heroism and selflessness and that’s all fine and dandy but let’s get real, no good comes from taking a bullet for someone. Selfishness wins every time, right, Ayn Rand?

 So I'm selfish. Does it look like I give a f@ck?

John Smith takes a bullet for Chief Powhatan at the end of the movie. This seems like a good move in the short term: he still gets the girl, he stops the Indian-Settler War before it starts, and Powhatan gives him his awesome raccoon cape thing for the boat ride home.

 To be honest, Powhatan doesn't even look that grateful

But let’s look at the long term. In Pocahontas 2 (which, by the way, is one of the worst movies ever made) the settlers and Indians are all dying and fighting amongst each other, John loses Pokey to John Rolf, and is generally a huge asshole. And, if you want to talk real world consequences, the Indians were still overrun by the settlers and their race was basically stomped out or smothered by smallpox infested blankets (too soon?).

 Awkward question: why is Pocahontas white now?

Basically what I’m trying to say is, if you want to jump in front of a bullet for me, fine. In fact, I appreciate it. Just don’t expect me to do the same (because I have common sense, intelligence, survival instincts, etc.)

Well, there you have it. All the important messages of Pocahontas condensed into a 2 minute read.

Wait… this took you longer than 2 minutes to read? Wow… that’s really embarrassing. Now you look like an asshole.

Oh, and one more thing: if anyone wants, they can buy me either a really cool raccoon named Meeko or a polar bear named Diego.

I want one

Black Boogers and Snaggle Teeth (Not what you'd expect)

Hi, all. I hope your Halloween was as awesome as mine. I hooked up with 6 random people in my super skanky costume, stole 6 pounds of candy from local Bronx children (let’s face it, they’re already used to being shafted by white people), and sacrificed 6 virgins to Satan.

Hmm 6…6…6… Coincidence? I think not. (What did I tell you? The Scariest Time of the Year- For Your Soul)

Speaking of children, all those kids I stole candy from reminded me of some other children that I’ve known in my life as a swimming instructor.

These are children who don’t need costumes because in my mind the memory of them has grown and evolved to the point that they have now reached mythical proportions like the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, or Donald Trump.

 Not real

I thought I would do my best to paint a portrait of some of the more memorable ones. Depending on how it goes, I might make this a kind of reoccurring features like “Top 5 Things to Piss Me Off.” (When I say “depending on how it goes” I mean “if I don’t get sued and/or threatened by parents”)

So, without further ado, I present to you some of the coolest kids ever*

*all names have been changed to protect the innocent (the kids) and the guilty (me)

Black Booger Olive

            Once upon a time, there was a little girl, or maybe a little boy. I can’t really be sure because she/he was rocking a nice bullet (cross between a mullet and a bowl cut). She had super thick, coarse, brown hair that you could potentially use as steel wool if you were in a tight spot. Everyday we ask the kids to tell us something about themselves as a way to steal their identities learn more about them. One day, Black Booger Olive comes to lessons in a swimsuit…and jeans. Yep, she was cool like that. Imagine, if you will, a little mullet rocking badass who shows up to lessons wearing jeans. Now imagine that you have to ask her to remove her jeans (through a silent fit of giggles). Black Booger Olive turns to me with eyes slightly unfocused, head tilted to the side, and mouth agape as though I am speaking a foreign language. She then sits down still wearing her jeans and acts like it’s a regular day in the neighborhood (yep, Mr. Rogers reference. Taking it back old school, yo). I then ask her what her favorite sport is and she pauses for a few minutes (understandable when you’re trying to pick between bad mitten and croquet). She then responds “sport ball.”

Uh… excuse me?

So I ask, “what’s ‘sport ball,’ Olive?” and she replies, “I don’t know” and goes back to digging in her nose.

A nose that was, by the way, filled with weird black boogers. Hence the name, “Black Booger Olive”

Snaggle Tooth

            I’ve taught a lot of kids how to swim but there are no children I’ve had as often as Snaggle Tooth. Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t because he really loved the water or was super committed to perfecting his strokes. It’s because it took him 3 full years to pass level 1&2 (in our lessons “1&2” is one level). The very first year I taught lessons I remember seeing this small, scrawny child with one hell of a snaggle tooth and one eye that was slightly bigger than the other one and seemed to bulge out of his head. He was tiny and cute. I was smitten.

 He sort of looks like that

Then we actually got in the water and all hell broke loose. Apparently, 80 degree water feels like 32 degree water when you have a negative BMI and little Snaggle Tooth was not feeling it. So… he stood on the side of the pool, just out of arms’ reach and sang “I like to move it, move. I like to move it, movie. I like to… MOVE IT!” and any time I reached for him, he shrieked at what must have been a pitch only bats and dogs could hear and ran away. Of course, once you finally got him in the water, Snaggle Tooth didn’t do much better. One of the keys to floating on your back is to relax and lay still with every part of your body on the surface. Apparently Snaggle Tooth mistook “relax” for “tense the f-up” and “keep your tummy on top of the water” for “FETAL POSITION, NOW!” Needless to say, he sank like a rock and came up gasping for air like a drowned rat who had been deep sea diving without oxygen.

 Not a good way to float

At the end of lessons, we typically let the kids do jump ins. Little Snaggle Tooth loved jump ins and would stand at the side literally quivering with excitement (or the early stages of hypothermia). When it was finally his turn, he would screech, “CANNONBALL,” tense for a moment, shake, then leap violently to the water below going in in an almost perfect pencil dive. What. A. Stud.

Well, thank you for indulging me on this little trip down memory lane (not like you had anything better to do anyway).

If you liked this post, comment below because I have tons of other kids I could tell you about.

If you didn’t like this post, let me know and I’ll come up with something else to blow your mind next week. Or, if you didn’t like it, you can just go f yourself with the nearest sharp object. Preferably something that will give you tetanus.