Facebook

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

Yes, this is the famed first paragraph of “A Tale of Two Cities”. I have no idea what the rest of the book is about—because I, like most people, have only read the first page—but I think this paragraph is the perfect description of Facebook.

Think about it:

Best of times- Facebook is literally a digital warehouse for your awesome memories

Worst of times- Let’s be honest, that warehouse also has an embarrassing back room filled with pictures from that night you don’t remember but the pictures that wont let you forget

Age of wisdom- All joking aside, Facebook is a great way to pass along important news and spark real conversations about important issues

Age of foolishness- There are so many idiotic people on Facebook that I really don’t know where to start. For beginners, every single person under the age of 13, every single status detailing the most mundane aspects of life (really? You opened a bag of chips? Someone alert the Nobel committee; they’ll probably want to take the prize back from the guys who made ground breaking discoveries in organic synthesis and give it to you instead), every single person using multiple emoticons, cRaZy CaPiTaLiZaTiOn or, complete. disregard? of; proper: punctuation, and every single person who switches relationship statuses more than twice a month. Of course, there are many more foolish things people do but now is not the time to enumerate

Epoch of incredulity- Facebook is sort of like Fox News, you can never know whether what you’re reading is fact or fiction (oh, burn). Case in point, last summer, I was involved in an epic Facebook fight with a friend that was completely fictional but certain people were confused and (I’m told) almost called the cops because they thought it was a serious case of cyber bullying… (Shout out to my awesome Facebook fight partner, Raeann Schlenker! I couldn’t have done it without you)

Season of Light- Some people feel it is their mission in life to bring positivity into this world and what better place to do it than Facebook? I can’t tell you how many times a day I see statuses with uplifting messages that are so sickeningly sweet I literally have to hold back my vomit

Season of Darkness- For every happy message there is at least one Debbie Downer (wah-wah) who makes it their mission to balance the forces of light and darkness by making their status the most depressing thing ever. I’m sorry you’re having a rough day but are you sure you really want to post a quasi-suicidal message for the whole world to see? Also, am I the only one who is uncomfortable with these statuses? I never know, should I comment? Should I “like” it in support? Or if I “like” it does it look like I’m being mean and laughing at them? Ah, too many options. So I just skip over it and pretend like I didn’t read it.

I could go on but I think I’ve proven my point.

Aaaanyway. Can we all admit Facebook is awesome? Before the dawn of Facebook, if I wanted to know what was going on in your life, I had to actually have a conversation with you (seriously, face to face communication is so passé). Now, I can check out your wall, your pictures, and your info to remember exactly why I don’t like you before I mistakenly enter into a conversation with you.

Facebook is also great because it gives you the opportunity to become fans of things you’ve never had a chance to publically declare your love for before. Honestly, where else on earth can you join a group titled “Can this squirrel get more likes than President Obama?” or RSVP to “International Kick a Ginger Day” (btw I’ve been a proud participant in this event for the past 2 years). You can also show your support for all-important things like “That awkward moment when Glen Coco gets 4 and Gretchen Weiners gets none”. Without Facebook, how will people know these important details about you?

Speaking of details you want everyone to know about you, how great is it that you can consciously and meticulously craft your public persona?

-Did you just hear about this new Indie band and want to prove how non-mainstream you are? “Like” it on Facebook!

-Did you see a list of books that everyone should read and want to look sophisticated and well read? “Like” it on Facebook! (That reminds me, I really need to add “A Tale of Two Cities” to my favorites list…)

-Did you notice that every person says “The Godfather” is one of the best movies of all time but you haven’t seen it? No worries! “Like” it on Facebook!

-Did a team in a sport that you don’t watch make it into the playoffs? Let everyone know where your loyalties lie (at least until next season) and “Like” it on Facebook!

See what I mean? It’s the perfect way to completely lie about who you really are! That is the true magic of the Internet.

I will admit, as awesome as Facebook is, there is one thing I hate about it: the shameless self-promotion. How many times do you see “Come check us out at…” “Listen to our band play at…” “Show your support for…” Honestly, it just sickens me. Have a little pride. Don’t grovel on Facebook for everyone to see. Really, it’s just pathetic.

So remember, keep checking my Facebook to see when my next blog goes up.