I'm Bringing Retro Back

FYI, yes, I am aware the title is a redundant statement.

Now, not to be one of those pretentious assholes who says, “you haven’t heard music until you’ve listened to it on vinyl” buuuut… you really haven’t heard music until you’ve listened to it on vinyl. (Seriously, listening to Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” on vinyl is like dropping acid with angels at Disney World)

During the past year I’ve started hoarding all the albums I can get my hands on and listen to them in my free time (the whole time patting myself on the back and thinking how superior I am to all my peers who listen on their ipod).

Anyway, these records have got me thinking about other things that could be made better by going back to their original form.

Take cars for instance. Cars now have rear-view cameras, GPS, fingerprint locks, self-parallel parking capabilities, engine starting from 100 ft away, hands-free cell phone capability, and more!

Um… last time I checked, that is not a car; that’s a F-ING SPACE SHIP.

Until I have been trained by NASA, I am not going near one of those cars because I am pretty sure it’s a robot designed to destroy the human race (am I the only one who’s seen Transformers??) What ever happened to those old school cars that did nothing other than go forward, go backward, or sit on cinderblocks on the front yard? That’s the kind of car I want. Or one of those cars from way back in the day that you had to crank to start. If you slipped up at all, it would shatter your arm. Plus, there was always the possibility the engine might spontaneously explode. How much fun would that be? Like an adult version of Jack in the Box with an added element of danger.

To go even further back; what about outdoor activities for children? I will be the first to admit that some video games are awesome. Guitar Hero is epic. Just Dance has me moonwalking like Michael Jackson (albeit a mentally disabled and rhythmically challenged MJ). Grand Theft Auto makes me want to steal cars and shoot hookers. But maybe we should head back to the days where kids spent their time outside building tree houses, catching frogs and lightning bugs, and getting blistering sunburns.

You don’t see children outside anymore and when you do, they look like sickly albino creatures from Lord of the Rings who can’t look directly at the sun. If a video game playing child ventures out in the sun for more than 30 seconds, he must immediately be taken to the hospital to deal with 3^rd degree burns, severe dehydration, and overexertion. Let’s change that! Force kids to go outside for a few minutes everyday. Like puppies, they can scratch on the screen door when they’re ready to come back in. And I say, if the kids wont go outside voluntarily, let’s put them in a corral and work them like cattle. I’m not saying we have to brand them and tag them but… I’m not saying “no” to that either…

Lastly, the most important thing I want to bring back is human intelligence. Yes, there are still some people out there who are intelligent (me), but there are many, many more people who aren’t (you). Let’s go back to the time when achievements of the mind were celebrated, rather than hidden in the dark corners of the Ivy’s. I think our society has officially reached the point when more people can name the Kardashian clan than the Brontë sisters. More people can identify Rebecca Black’s “Friday” than Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony. More people can tell you who Snooki is than explain who Harriet Tubman was.

What a sad commentary on American society.

But what an awesome opportunity for me to showcase my astounding intelligence!

Anyway, while Justin Timberlake works to continually bring sexy back, I’ll be working to make the world a better place by bringing back much more important things.

Like your dignity.

KB's Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off: Pool Edition

Since the Pierre City Pool is STILL NOT OPEN due to the fact there are a few tiny puddles in Pierre (and by that I mean the town is only accessible by submarines and scuba gear) I’ve been thinking of all the things about lifeguarding that I miss.

Getting a tan.

Getting paid to sit on my butt all day.

Getting the opportunity to yell—loudly—at  children.

Basically everything else sucks—especially my coworkers who are miserable excuses for human beings.

This is the absolute definitive list of the top five ways to piss me off at the pool

1.     Yelling, “Hey lifeguard! WATCH THIS!”

If you yell that at me, I will be watching you… through the scope of a rifle. I will watch you take 5 minutes to prepare yourself for the epic leap you are about to take (aka a 4ft tall kid jumping in 3ft of water). I will watch you finally jump and immediately bounce to the top of the water where you will take huge gasping breaths (you have no idea how much going under water for 2 seconds wears you out!). I will then watch you claw at your eyes trying to individually pick every. last. drop. of water off of your face. I will then watch you “swim” to the wall (which is only 2 ft away). This will take about 5 minutes during which time you will burn 5,000 calories flailing your arms all over the place and only move about 3 inches. I will then watch you attempt to lift your body out of the pool (you will give up after 3 attempts and use the ladder). I will then watch you look up at me with huge eyes and screech “did you see that?” to which I will say either “sweet,” “awesome,” or “cool” wishing God would smite me.

2.     Running on the deck

Listen, I know running fast is super-duper awesome. In fact, I tell everyone I meet that I used to have the school 2 mile record in track until it was shattered by a snail (I want her checked for performance enhancing drugs). As it is though, you’re at a pool. There is water everywhere. You are barefoot. Put two and two together: You running plus a wet floor equals you on the ground with blood squirting out of you and me having to clean that mess up and fill out lots of paperwork. Also, if you keep running, I will probably have to sit you out in time out near my chair for a couple minutes during which time you will strike up a conversation with me (ergo… timeout is more of a punishment for me than it is for you)

3.     Crappy weather days

When it’s hot, I get it; you want to come to the pool to cool off. It doesn’t mean I like the fact that you’re there buuuuut, I do understand it. However, when it is rainy or cold or looks like it’s going to storm, why are you coming to an outdoor swimming pool? If it’s raining out, your towels and clothing is going to get wet (because, let’s face it, you’re probably too dumb to put it in the locker room). Then you will come to me and ask if I have any towels or clothes to give you to which I will reply, “F off. Can’t you see I’m napping here?” If it’s cold out, you are going to get in and swim for about 5 minutes before you climb out with purple lips and numb limbs. Then you will come to me and complain about how cold the water is to which I will reply, “hey idiot, maybe you didn’t see my parka but the ice bergs floating in the pool should have tipped you off that maybe it’s too cold to swim today.” If it looks like it’s about to storm, you will get in for about 5 minutes before I see lightning and have to kick you out. Then you will ask me over and over again when you can get back in to which I will reply, “in 30 minutes or if you really want, hold on to this giant metal rod and jump on in.”

4.     Kids at the concession stand

If you are someone who comes to the concession stand, asks for what you want, and has the money to pay for it, this message is not for you. However… if you’re not one of these people, listen up. If I had a dollar for every time a kid came to buy concessions and asked, “can I get that?” and then pointed vaguely at the sign assuming I know what “that” is… I want to make this clear, I try to be patient but my fuse is going to blow in under ten seconds if you just point and say, “uh that one. The one up there. You know… THAT one.” First of all, NO! I do not know what THAT one is. If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking you. Secondly, if you don’t know what it’s called or at least how to describe it, why are you ordering it? You clearly have no idea what it is and you will be back 20 seconds later asking if you can trade for something else.

5.     Saving people

Do you have any idea how much of a drag it is saving someone’s life? Ugh. One minute you’re minding your own business twirling your whistle and singing along to the radio and the next you have to climb down, jump in the water, pull the person to safety, assess their status, then climb back up in to the guard chair. That is 5 minutes of my life I will never get back. Not to mention, once you save someone’s life, it’s impossible to go anywhere without being recognized. Everywhere you go, someone is like “oh my gosh! It’s that girl who saved that kid’s life!” It’s absolutely miserable. People applaud when I walk in buildings. They constantly thank me. I can’t even drive down the street without it turning into a parade where grateful citizens throw flowers at my feet. For someone as modest as myself, living in the constant spotlight is so difficult.

But I guess, like George Washington and John Lennon, it’s a burden the truly great must bear.

So. If you ever come to the pool this summer, keep this stuff in mind. Remember how much your trip to the pool affects ME. And most importantly: remember WWKBWMTD (What Would KB Want Me To Do).

It's the End of the World as We Know It and I Feel...Flustered

I know a couple weeks ago I wrote about how upset I was that I had not been taken up in the rapture but now I’m becoming more and more anxious about it as I become more and more convinced that the world is ending soon. As this blog progresses I will present mounds of incontrovertible evidence of the impending doom but I will present the most damning evidence now: Selena Gomez may be pregnant with Justin Bieber’s baby.

I know! It’s shocking. I thought he was gay too! Right? The hair? The purple? My God, how can this be real???

Now, if you say, “is that all the proof you have?” I would respond (angrily), “IT’S ALL THE PROOF I NEED”

However, for all you doubting Thomas’s out there, I will painstakingly explain it to you (although every second I am explaining it to you is a second closer to Armagedon)

Being a good, Catholic girl, I know that the apocalypse will be ushered in by four horsemen, each bringing with them something unique: War, Famine, Death, and Pestilence.

Obviously, each of these horsemen are already knocking on our door (and not in the good “Three’s Company” kind of way…)

WAR

The world is in so many wars right now that I can’t keep them all straight.

I’m fairly sure Israel and Palestine are fighting and have been for at least 50 years (At this point no one knows why they are fighting anymore but I’m willing to bet someone didn’t “leggo” of someone else’s Eggo.) I also know the US is fighting in many different locations but talking about the reasoning behind the wars is controversial so I’ll just say “I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” and hope no one spray paints “COMMUNIST” on the side of my house. There are also a bunch of revolutions breaking out in the Middle East because, if I understand correctly, a street urchin named Aladdin has been wrecking havoc with his lovable monkey and a genie who sounds eerily like Robin Williams. Then, of course, there is the battle with those crazy cars who turn into robots, lead by Shia LaBeouf who try to destroy the earth about once every summer.

FAMINE

Children are starving in Africa. And last night, I went to bed hungry (because I was too lazy to walk to the fridge). Clearly famine is upon us and it is too late to do anything about it.

DEATH

Death is everywhere. Omnipresent. Inescapable. Michael Jackson. Ted Kennedy. Linsay Lohan’s career.

No other way to look at it than horseman number three is present and accounted for.

PESTILENCE

Everyday we hear of new, seemingly incurable diseases. The kind of diseases that make you afraid to leave your house.  In the 80’s it was the still incurable HIV/AIDS. The 90’s were plagued by the psychological disease Stoopitis (Official definition: the condition of someone being afraid to leave their stoop. Ex Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop!). The beginning of this millennium, too, has faced terrible diseases like West Nile, Bird Flu, and Swine Flu and we are now facing the most serious of all: Bieber Fever.

So, in summation of this long (and extensively researched) fact sheet, I am forced to conclude the world is coming to an end.

Now, before you get down on me for writing a substandard blog this week, just realize I’ve been under a lot of pressure. Predicting an apocalypse is hard work. That, combined with teaching swimming lessons to shrieking children and stocking my post-apocalyptic bomb shelter with non-perishables (Twinkies, Funyuns, and Mountain Dew) has left me absolutely drained of energy. You’ll just have to come back next week to see if the quality has improved.

That is, if the world hasn’t ended before then…

The Best Things In Life Aren't Things... They're Cans of Mountain Dew

The following is not a paid advertisement for Mountain Dew (although I will gladly accept any money they want to throw my way)

Those of you who know me well are probably surprised there hasn’t been a post dedicated entirely to Mountain Dew yet and frankly, I’m surprised too. You know how they say men think about sex every seven seconds? Well, I’m pretty sure I think about Mountain Dew at least that often. I even dream about it (no joke, I had a crazy dream a few nights ago and the whole time I was walking around with a Mountain Dew in hand).

Everyone knows those commercials for Klondike Bars that say “what would you do-O-o for a Klondike Bar?” Well, when it comes to Mountain Dew, it’s better to ask “what wouldn’t you do-O-o for a Mountain Dew?” and I can honestly (and proudly) answer, there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do to get my hands on an ice cold Mountain Dew.

I wouldn’t murder someone… unless it was someone I didn’t like… or know very well… or wasn’t an immediate family member… or if I could get away with it. So basically, yes, I would murder for Mountain Dew.

I wouldn’t sell my body… unless he was good looking… or decent looking… or had at least two cold 20oz… ok fine. You talked me into it. For one cold 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew, yes I would sell my body.

I wouldn’t betray a friend or my country… unless the person asking gave me a Mountain Dew in exchange for information.

Ok.

Well.

This went downhill quickly. Apparently, I will literally do ANYTHING for a Mountain Dew.

Do I have no shame? Do I have no self-control? Do I have no self-respect?

No.

I am dangerously deficient in all these areas but who can blame me? When I think of Mountain Dew, my eyes glaze over. My mouth begins to water. My only thought is, “how can I get some of that sweet, sweet nectar of the gods into my body?”

If I go too long without ingesting some of that stomach corroding battery acid my body begins to shut down. My head begins to pound. My legs begin to ache. I start throwing up non-stop—oh wait, that’s because of my bulimia. Anyway, it’s not pretty. I’ve been known to black out and wake up days later with a Mountain Dew in hand, covered in blood and chicken feathers—oh wait, that’s the plot to the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

I know I sound like a perfect candidate for “Intervention” but before you sign me up for it, think about what we just learned about my character:

1.     I don’t care how my “addiction” has effected your life

2.     I fully understand the extent of my problem and my inability to be a functioning member of society without Mountain Dew

3.     I am aware of the health risks: diabetes, headaches, insomnia, extraordinarily low bone density, etc. It really doesn’t concern me

4.     With all of this being said, trying to do an intervention for me is as big of a waste of time as watching Sarah Palin do… well, basically do anything.

Good. Now that we’ve got that covered, someone bring me a can of the good stuff.

The Great Flood of 2011

Official Disclaimer: this is a (feeble) attempt at humor. This is not meant to mock anyone affected by the flood or belittle what is a very serious situation. Instead I hope to lighten the mood and maybe bring a smile to all your sunburned and sore faces (I’m not sure if your faces are actually sore but I’m sure every other part of your body is).

By the way, today’s topic is obviously the flood in Pierre, which has been the only topic of conversation around town for the last week (seriously, no one even commented on my new hair cut!).

Some of you may not know what I’m talking about. If you live in Pierre; pull your head out of your ass, pry yourself off your lazy boy, look at the river (which is probably 3 ft away from your door), then go help someone sandbag, move, build a levee, or make food for the people who aren’t wastes of space like yourself.

For those of you not in here and not aware, my beautiful hamlet of a town, Pierre, SD (pronounced like “pier”, not French “Pierre”) sits right below the Oahe Dam. Apparently God is getting angry at America’s newfound fascination with Guidos and pregnant teenagers so He has decided to absolutely bombard us with snow and rain resulting in ridiculously high water levels that will cover a good portion of our town and the town across the river (creatively named “Fort Pierre”). Now, basically our whole town is working our asses off sandbagging homes, building giant dirt levees, and moving furniture (for those of you on the East coast, “work” means doing hard physical labor with your body).

Now, I’ve seen a lot of great stuff in the past week with the community banding together to help each other but let’s all talk about some things that people can do to help more:

1.     If you have a truck, use it to haul sandbags for people. You can get pre-filled sandbags at anyone of the filling stations around town. Also, instead of sitting in your truck complaining how long it takes to get bags filled, go out and help the National Guard fill them! (I don’t blame you for not wanting to work with some of the Women’s Prisoners though. One of them licked her lips at me and told me she wanted to make me her bitch)

2.     If you have any space in your home or garage, offer it to someone who needs to move! You can even go one step further and offer up your despised sibling’s room as storage space too. If he or she complains, tell them to quit being so selfish and they can sleep on the couch until the emergency has passed.

3.     Don’t be an idiot. This is something you should strive to do every day but now more than ever. Law enforcement officials (fancy name for “police officers”) already have their hands full with this flood so don’t make it harder for them i.e. don’t go down and play in the parks that are closed. They’re closed for a reason so don’t go down to look at the water. You’ll end up getting sucked up by the current and the police will have to dredge the river for your body when their time could be better spent helping the town.

Now that we’ve touched on ways to help, let’s talk about things that are about as far from “helpful” as you can get:

1.     Don’t drive through effected areas like you’re on a leisure drive. People working to sandbag their houses are not animals in a zoo to be looked at for your amusement. Either take your leisure drive off a cliff or pull your car over, haul your massive body out of your vehicle, pick up a shovel and help. If you’re too old, too young, or have some legitimate medical excuse, just stay out of the way. We are going to have high water pretty much all summer so you will have plenty of time to take a scenic row boat tour through town later.

2.     If you are lucky enough not to be directly effected by the flood, don’t pretend you can understand what people who are effected are feeling. Also, don’t act like your problems are anywhere near as serious as theirs. For instance “I can’t believe I can’t play beach volleyball for two months” is NOT equivalent to “My house is underwater”

3.     Don’t blame the Corps, the City, the State, or any other group of people for the flood. Basic math: a lot of precipitation plus a limited amount of space in lakes and rivers equals flooding. In fact, Oahe was completely empty right now and water was flowing into it at the current rate and we were releasing the regular amounts of water, we would be in this situation again in less than 3 months. This isn’t some government conspiracy or giant cover up; there was simply no way to know this much water was coming. If you are looking for someone to blame, blame God. Oh wait, that’s blasphemy, right? Well then, keep your mouths shut and go grab a shovel.

4.     Don’t listen to every piece of gossip you hear and repeat it to other people. I have heard many ridiculous rumors including (but not limited to)

a. the flood is being caused by dams further South of us who are refusing to accept our water

b. the dam is going to burst

c. that the flood will mix with toxic waste and create mutant walleye that will take over the town and make us their slaves.

None of these are true. Except the last one.

Lastly, let’s remember, we’re all part of this community. Let’s band together. Help our neighbors out.

Don’t worry, I’m not just talking the talk; I’m walking the walk. I’ll be leading community-wide singings of Kumbuya—at the bottom of the lake that used to be our town.