Manifesto

I’ve come to the realization that some people (me) are vastly superior to other people (you). To quote Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility” and as much as I may despise you lowly peasants, it is my duty to impart my wisdom on you. Let’s face it… without people like me, people like you wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. Before we go any further, however, I think it’s only fair to tell you what you can and can’t expect from this—for lack of a better word—blog.

Won’t:

This blog WON’T be a pick-me-up for those of you searching for an escape from the mundane drudgery of your exceedingly average 9-5 lives

This blog WON’T be politically correct musings on categorically “safe” subjects because, let’s be honest, no one cares. (If they did, CNN would be beating Fox News in the ratings… BAZINGA)

This blog WON’T be a blow-by-blow account (yes, this is a prostitute reference) of my life because there is nothing more boring than a daily list of “first I woke up… then I ate breakfast…then I threw up my meal to stay skinny…” (and if you do have a desire to know these things, let me know so I can get a restraining order in place)

This blog WON’T be an open forum for me to shove my political or religious views down your throats—regardless of how right mine may be

Will:

This blog WILL be more awesome than anything you have ever seen, heard, read, or even imagined (I’m pretty epic that way)

This blog WILL be a place for me to go on extended ramblings about I variety of topics I deem important i.e. any readers of this blog need to be aware that they zero control over what I talk about and if they have a problem with that they should either read another blog or grow a pair

On this blog, it WILL always open season for going after certain individuals or groups of people. Basic rule of thumb: at some point, at least one of your annoying traits will upset me enough that there will be a blog post about it

This blog WILL sometimes contain humorous stories either from my life among savages (aka children I teach swimming lessons to) or little gems from my imagination that you wish you could think of

This blog WILL be a constant guide for you to live your life. Just ask WWKD? If you’re doing something you think I wouldn’t like, change your behavior before I put your number on Craigslist under “transvestite looking for love”

Lastly, this blog WILL be a constant, bittersweet reminder of your own inferiority. If my sheer awesomeness is too much for you, take two Advil, sleep it off, and have a beer in the morning. If symptoms last longer than 24 hours, seek medical attention. Tell them Katie sent you; they’ll know what you mean.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal(ly inferior to me), that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights (to listen to me), that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Katiness.

This is my manifesto.