Exercising My Right to be Lazy

Can we all take a moment to agree that exercise sucks? Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Yes, AFTERWARDS you feel great and your body is healthier and blah blah blah but, that 30 minutes on the Stair Master suuuucks.

Yesterday I was out and about in New York (I’m oh-so sophisticated) and I ended up walking about 2 miles.

And I thought I was going to DIE.

I have seen people finishing marathons in 100-degree weather be less out of breath than I was. I’m not sure if I was having a heart attack or a stroke or if my body was just shutting down after living on Mountain Dew and cholesterol for the past 6 years but whatever it was, it wasn’t pretty.

I’ve gotten to the point that climbing four flights of stairs is the equivalent of climbing Everest complete with setting up a base camp and packing days worth of supplies.

I’ve thought about skipping class because I didn’t want to walk the whole way there (FYI the classroom is about 500 yards from where I live). I’ve contemplated pretending to have a broken leg so Fordham security has to chauffer me around campus (I would totally do this but crutches chafe my armpits). I’ve even looked into getting a wheelchair but everyone that knows me knows that I shouldn’t be allowed on a motorized scooter (not to mention how inconveniently located wheelchair ramps are. Seriously, could you make it MORE out of the way? No, it’s fine. I’ll go 3 miles out of my way to get on the ramp).

Needless to say, Exercise and I aren’t exactly the best of friends. In fact, I don’t think we’re even on speaking terms. Don’t get me wrong, we used to be really close and we had some great times together. Then, Exercise got a little too demanding of my time and I had to cut ties. We moved around in the same circle for a while and had a few awkward “oh, heeey… what’s up?” encounters but since I’ve entered into a loving, committed relationship with Bone Idleness, I really haven’t seen Exercise.

And I plan to keep it that way.

If my little excursion yesterday taught me anything, it’s that Exercise is a cold, heartless bitch. That’s why, here and now, I would like to embrace my new identity as Laziest Person in America. Yep, that sound you just heard was me popping open a can of Mountain Dew. And yes, that other sound was my skin cells beginning to graft themselves to the couch.

If you have a problem with that, you’re going to have to come talk to me about it.

Oh, and while you’re here, can you grab the remote? I can’t quite reach it.

Facebook

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

Yes, this is the famed first paragraph of “A Tale of Two Cities”. I have no idea what the rest of the book is about—because I, like most people, have only read the first page—but I think this paragraph is the perfect description of Facebook.

Think about it:

Best of times- Facebook is literally a digital warehouse for your awesome memories

Worst of times- Let’s be honest, that warehouse also has an embarrassing back room filled with pictures from that night you don’t remember but the pictures that wont let you forget

Age of wisdom- All joking aside, Facebook is a great way to pass along important news and spark real conversations about important issues

Age of foolishness- There are so many idiotic people on Facebook that I really don’t know where to start. For beginners, every single person under the age of 13, every single status detailing the most mundane aspects of life (really? You opened a bag of chips? Someone alert the Nobel committee; they’ll probably want to take the prize back from the guys who made ground breaking discoveries in organic synthesis and give it to you instead), every single person using multiple emoticons, cRaZy CaPiTaLiZaTiOn or, complete. disregard? of; proper: punctuation, and every single person who switches relationship statuses more than twice a month. Of course, there are many more foolish things people do but now is not the time to enumerate

Epoch of incredulity- Facebook is sort of like Fox News, you can never know whether what you’re reading is fact or fiction (oh, burn). Case in point, last summer, I was involved in an epic Facebook fight with a friend that was completely fictional but certain people were confused and (I’m told) almost called the cops because they thought it was a serious case of cyber bullying… (Shout out to my awesome Facebook fight partner, Raeann Schlenker! I couldn’t have done it without you)

Season of Light- Some people feel it is their mission in life to bring positivity into this world and what better place to do it than Facebook? I can’t tell you how many times a day I see statuses with uplifting messages that are so sickeningly sweet I literally have to hold back my vomit

Season of Darkness- For every happy message there is at least one Debbie Downer (wah-wah) who makes it their mission to balance the forces of light and darkness by making their status the most depressing thing ever. I’m sorry you’re having a rough day but are you sure you really want to post a quasi-suicidal message for the whole world to see? Also, am I the only one who is uncomfortable with these statuses? I never know, should I comment? Should I “like” it in support? Or if I “like” it does it look like I’m being mean and laughing at them? Ah, too many options. So I just skip over it and pretend like I didn’t read it.

I could go on but I think I’ve proven my point.

Aaaanyway. Can we all admit Facebook is awesome? Before the dawn of Facebook, if I wanted to know what was going on in your life, I had to actually have a conversation with you (seriously, face to face communication is so passé). Now, I can check out your wall, your pictures, and your info to remember exactly why I don’t like you before I mistakenly enter into a conversation with you.

Facebook is also great because it gives you the opportunity to become fans of things you’ve never had a chance to publically declare your love for before. Honestly, where else on earth can you join a group titled “Can this squirrel get more likes than President Obama?” or RSVP to “International Kick a Ginger Day” (btw I’ve been a proud participant in this event for the past 2 years). You can also show your support for all-important things like “That awkward moment when Glen Coco gets 4 and Gretchen Weiners gets none”. Without Facebook, how will people know these important details about you?

Speaking of details you want everyone to know about you, how great is it that you can consciously and meticulously craft your public persona?

-Did you just hear about this new Indie band and want to prove how non-mainstream you are? “Like” it on Facebook!

-Did you see a list of books that everyone should read and want to look sophisticated and well read? “Like” it on Facebook! (That reminds me, I really need to add “A Tale of Two Cities” to my favorites list…)

-Did you notice that every person says “The Godfather” is one of the best movies of all time but you haven’t seen it? No worries! “Like” it on Facebook!

-Did a team in a sport that you don’t watch make it into the playoffs? Let everyone know where your loyalties lie (at least until next season) and “Like” it on Facebook!

See what I mean? It’s the perfect way to completely lie about who you really are! That is the true magic of the Internet.

I will admit, as awesome as Facebook is, there is one thing I hate about it: the shameless self-promotion. How many times do you see “Come check us out at…” “Listen to our band play at…” “Show your support for…” Honestly, it just sickens me. Have a little pride. Don’t grovel on Facebook for everyone to see. Really, it’s just pathetic.

So remember, keep checking my Facebook to see when my next blog goes up.

Friday's Trivia Challenge

No new blog thoughts today but I thought it would be fun to have a little Trivia Challenge to hold you over until my brain is ready to produce new nuggets of knowledge, gems of glory, ideas of incredibleness… you get the picture.

Here’s the deal, I know tons of useless information about a bunch of television shows (some of which I’ve never even seen). This means I always know just enough to make a comment so it seems like I know what I’m talking about (you guys should try it some time). So here are a bunch of little things that I know about a variety of TV shows from classics, to British TV, to cartoons, to reality, to teen soaps, to primetime, and beyond. Clues may either be characters, parts of theme songs, famous lines, or common knowledge events. If you want, you can comment below with your answers. And remember, if you don’t know them all, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It just means you’re not as smart as me. Let the games begin!

1.     They’re creepy and they’re kooky and all together spooky

2.     TJ Detweiler

3.     For a three hour tour

4.     Smelly Cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

5.     Respect my autho-ritay

6.     What’s that? Timmy’s trapped in the well?

7.     The Power of 3

8.     Move it football head!

9.     Hotlips and Hawkeye

10. Mystery Inc.

11. Maurice “Twister” Rodriguez

12. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

13. Sweater wearing, puddin’ eating doctor

14. Bedrock

15. Teen soap with the first man on man kiss on television

16. MAIIIIIIL-TIME

17. One character has a serious caffeine pill addiction

18. Being a POW doesn’t seem so bad in the WWII German camp

19. Fran Fine

20. A chocolate conveyor belt never looked so fun

21. Reptar!

22. CW love triangle involving the Salvatore Brothers

23. A city in the sky with flying cars and robots

24. Feeny Feeny Feeny!

25. Show about nothing

26. Seattle Grace Hospital

27. I want to go to there

28. Who shot JR?

29. Donna held onto her V-card until marriage

30. That’s what she said

31. The people, the places, and the drama… are real

32. Giggity-giggity-goo

33. Al Bundy

34. One day Alice… To the moon

35. Seth and Summer

36. You’re such a Potsie

37. Doh!

38. Forensic Antropologist Temperance Brennan

39. Mrs. Garrett

40. Party at Karma

41. It’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

42. See what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real

43. Black gold, Texas tea

44. Everywhere you look, everywhere you look

45. Show John Ritter was working on when he died

46. Swiper, no swiping!

47. Little J and Lonely Boy

48. You get the best of both worlds

49. Cleveland Rocks!

50. Hello, Wisconsin!

51. Leslie Knope

52. Fake psychic

53. A couple of guys who were up to know good, started making trouble in my neighborhood

54. Brittany S. Pierce

55. Fast talking mom and daughter

56. The whole purpose is to find out who “A”

57. Thank you for being a friend

58. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

59. Goodnight John-Boy

60. Bouquet residence, lady of the house speaking

61. Greek life at Cyprus Rhodes University

62. Tony Danza and Alyssa Milano (pre-porn days) sit com

63. Slow motion, flying General Lee

64. In this week’s web redemption…

65. Hipster druggies baking cakes

66. Good morning, Charlie

67. Thanks for crushing my dreams, Simon

68. Addison Montgomery spin-off show

69. Day-dreaming doctor at Sacred Heart Hospital

70. Zak, Nick, and Aaron chasing ghosts

Side Effects Include...

I will be the first to admit, I am extremely susceptible to television advertisements. I normally don’t watch commercials (I flip through other channels until the break is over) but when I do watch them, I immediately want whatever they are selling. I am a proud owner of the SHAM-WOW (btw it is pretty f-ing awesome), I really want to buy one of those slap chops, and I have honestly even considered ordering some of those music compilations (they make them seem so AWESOME).

Being the hypochondriac that I am, of course, the ones that convince me the most are all those prescription drug ads.

Anytime they ask “Do you suffer from..?” “Do you ever feel like..?” “Unsatisfied with..?” I always, always answer, “YES”! I don’t know how they know me so well but at the end of every single one of these commercials, not only am I convinced I have whatever disease they’re talking about, but also think I need to talk to my doctor immediately to see if drug so-and-so is right for me.

And yes, for those of you who know me well, this really isn’t that big of a surprise. I am the kid who used to fake sick to get to drink cough syrup. If I sneeze more than once a day, I pop an allergy pill. At the slightest upset stomach I will guzzle Pepto-Bismol. If I have the slightest tickle in my throat I will load up on Nyquil “just to be sure”. And—full disclosure—I eat cough drops in the place of candy.

Before you start planning an intervention for me, let’s get back to my original point—TV drug commericals.

I always want to buy them up until the minute they start listing side effects. If I am watching a 60 second commercial and at least 30 seconds of it consists of listing side effects, I’m going to go ahead and call for a time-out.

I’m watching a commercial about a drug that helps grow out eyelashes and you are listing side effects that sound like the biblical plagues. I’m not comfortable with the fact that you read these side effects either in a voice that’s going so fast I can’t understand what you’re saying (wait… did you just say “anal leakage?”), or in the same calming, happy voice you told me about all the good stuff (most people don’t sound happy when talking about kidney failure). It also concerns me that you start by listing pretty minor side effects like headaches or nausea then try to subtly transition into major ones like heart attacks, strokes, or death (you’re not fooling anyone).

I’m actually really glad they list these side effects though, because otherwise I would be in and out of my doctor’s office every week asking if Celebrex and Boniva are right for me and wondering if Adovart will help with my enlarged prostrate.

As it is, until they come out with a drug that has zero side effects, I guess I will just have to be happy cleaning up messes with my SHAM-WOW while rocking out to “Monster Ballads” (no lie, I actually own this 2-disc set of AWESOMENESS).

Lady Gaga? She's ok... I guess...

I realize what I’m about to say is punishable by death in certain neighborhoods of San Francisco but here is goes anyway: I think Lady Gaga is overrated.

Now, Little Monsters, retract your claws for a second while I explain.

I’m not saying her music is bad. I’m not saying she isn’t talented. I’m not saying she can’t pull off dress made of meat. I’m just saying she isn’t this revolutionary goddess everyone is making her out to be.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of revolutionary is “radically new or innovative; outside or beyond established procedure, principles”. Keeping that in mind, how can Lady Gaga go around claiming her new album will be revolutionary? I’ve heard two of the songs and seen the album artwork and nothing about it is new. In fact, it’s about as unique as a politician getting caught in a sex scandal.

Born This Way- Do you remember “Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice? Do you remember how the beat to it sounds EXACTLY like “Under Pressure” from Bowie and Queen? Do you also remember how Vanilla Ice claimed it was a completely different beat but we all knew he was full of bull? Well this is exactly how “Born This Way” is. It sounds the exact same as Madonna’s “Express Yourself” and has the exact same message as Pink’s “F*cking Perfect”, Katy Perry’s “Firework”, Selena Gomez’s “Who Says”, and any number of other “Don’t Feel Bad, You’re Still Awesome” songs. Perhaps I’m just slow on the uptake but could someone explain to me how you are “revolutionary” if you are redoing music from 20 years ago and repeating the same sh*t as your Disney Channel counterparts?

Judas- This song recently came out and I have to be honest, it took all my willpower not to turn it off. It’s not that I don’t like the song; it’s actually fairly catchy. My only problem with it is that it sounds like a mash-up of “Bad Romance” and “Paparazzi”. Yes, that’s right. I said it. It sounds EXACTLY like two of Lady Gaga’s other hits combined into one dance ready song, heavy on the beat and light on the substance. Aveinb;akl;sdfuhabafe;lihgas;dglkasgibnalkfhvad;fhae;oi.

Excuse me. That was the result of me throwing my computer against the wall in frustration. Remixing two of your popular songs and releasing it on your next album under the guise of a new name DOES NOT count as “revolutionary”.

Album artwork- For those of you who haven’t seen this brand new, mind blowing, innovative cover art, it is a poorly photoshopped picture of a motorcycle with Lady Gaga’s head on the handle bars and her arms holding up the front wheel. Highly reminiscent of an 80’s metal band.

Maybe I’m just nit-picking but I feel like, if you are going to promise me a revolutionary album that will be (Lady Gaga direct quote) “the album of the decade”, can you at least make sure it delivers?

When I hear “Album of the Decade” I expect it will be something that blows my mind. Not something I could have heard in a New York City nightclub while chilling with Pat Benatar. Honestly, I feel like I am living in a real life version of “The Emperor’s New Clothes” with Gaga’s ingenuity as the new clothes (if you don’t get that analogy, this blog is probably above your comprehension level).

Now, Little Monsters, before you decide how you’re going to kill me, just remember Mother Monster’s message and don’t lash out at me. I can’t help it. Baby, I was born this way.

Have Some Class in Class

I’ve been in school for 16 loooong years and almost as long as I can remember, people in school have been doing things to piss me off. I know that it’s a free country so they way you act is your prerogative but it is also my prerogative to back-hand slap you when you get out of line.

First of all; Do. Not. Under. Any. Circumstances. Ever. put your feet on the back of my chair and proceed to jiggle your leg up and down. Maybe it’s just a weird pet peeve of mine but I don’t like sitting through an earthquake in the middle of class. If you keep jiggling your leg up and down, I swear to God, I will tear you apart limb from limb faster than you can say “NOT MY STRONG HAND”.

Though that is my number one classroom pet peeve, there are a few other things you can do to make sure you end up on my hit list.

1.     Cell phone use. I get it, we live in the 21^st century and your phone is essentially welded to your arm.  I’m guilty of it too. That being said, can you at least turn the volume off? Chances are I already don’t like you as a person so hearing your phone play some crappy Ke$ha song just makes me thismuch more likely to kick you. Also, putting your phone on vibrate doesn’t make it that much quieter. As a matter of fact, a vibrating blackberry on a desk is about the same volume as an airplane taking off. Can’t you just put your phone on mute like every single other person in the class?

2.     Gum chewing. I like gum as much as the next person but I like to chew it rather than chomp like some people. I’m not entirely sure why some people feel the need to chew so hard their teeth recede in to their gums but it is the loudest sound in the world and it needs to stop ASAP.

3.     Seating. Your first chance to piss me off is actually on the very first day of class. I know almost everything I need to know about you from the seat you pick the first day. If you sit in the back, I’m going to assume you are a stoner and will miss half the classes (therefore staying out of my way and not annoying me). If, however, you sit in the very front, I can pretty much guarantee I will hate you. Don’t ask me why. It’s just a feeling I have about people that are that into learning and I immediately assume you are going to be a suck up (which makes me want to throw my gum in your hair).

4.     Class participation. If you raise your hand to answer a question or make a comment more than 5 times in a class period, I can guarantee I’ve had at least one fantasy of chopping your arm off and rubbing salt in the wound. If I’m paying 50,000 a year to go to this school, I’m expecting to learn something from people who have a masters or higher, not something one of my peers—with significantly less intelligence than me—thinks. Call me arrogant if you want but nothing is more annoying than hearing a 3^rd grade level interpretation from someone who thinks they are presenting Nobel-prize worthy.

Now, just because you haven’t done something that is specifically on this list, don’t feel bad. At one time or another, I can almost guarantee you’ve pissed me off in some way “so keep your wick in the air and your feet in the fetters” (Shins reference!)

Attention Food Service Employees

Attention Subway Sandwich Artists, Starbucks Baristas, or any other clever name you call yourself to disguise the fact that you are touching my food:

I realize being in an industry where you constantly take orders from people and receive offensively low tips can’t be a lot of fun. That being said, can you please remember you are touching food?

Have you ever been to Subway and seen the people basically mutilate your sandwich while you stand helplessly on the other side of the sneeze guard then try not to grimace as they wrap it as tightly as possible in wrap? I’m sorry. I thought I ordered a sandwich, not some vacuum packed astronaut food.

How about going to a fast food burger place and seeing back into the kitchen? Is it just me or have you seen public restrooms that look cleaner than some of those kitchens. The most disturbing part is you can LITERALLY see every step they take so you can see the grayish “patty” of meat get thrown on the grill by a kid who is probably too young to legally work there, before being tossed over to the bun station where a 400 pound woman places it on a bun with cheese while sitting on her rascal scooter, then kicked over to the condiment station where a pierced and tat-ed kid puts a thin leaf of lettuce, about 2 pickles, and three galloons of ketchup on your burger, where finally it is handed to the special needs worker who smushes it with her fist and wraps it up so half the burger is hanging out the side. Lastly, they push it down the shoot where the same person who has been touching people’s dirty money and credit cards all day puts it on your tray and says “have a nice day”.

Geez, I feel like I am having PTSD from that story.

Finally, to the wait staff at sit down restaurants: I know that you have a really tough job that you really don’t get paid enough for but get your sh*t together! Why is it that when I am having a great meal and really don’t need any help you ask, “can I get you anything else?” at least once every two minutes but when I actually could use something, you are nowhere to be found? Also, when my plate still has half of my food on it and I still have a fork in my hands, you probably don’t need to ask “are you still working on that?” Conversely, when I am leaned all the way back in my seat with my eyes glazed over and my plate has literally been licked clean, you don’t need to ask, “are you done with that” because, unless your plates are edible, I don’t have a choice but to be done.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally respect what food service workers do, but food service workers need to respect that I’ll have to take my business to another place if I find a hair in my food.

Just saying.

How I Will Single-Handedly Save Television

Let’s face it; almost everything they pass off as “entertainment” on TV these days is absolute crap. Reality TV shows are judged on the number of fights and/or STDs per episode. Dramas are built around melodramatic acting and plots stretched to the absolute limit of believability (*cough* “Grey’s Anatomy” musical episode *cough*). Sitcoms are essentially rips offs of friendship shows like “Cheers” or “Friends” or rips offs of the family show like “The Cosby Show” or “The Brady Bunch”. Anyway you look at it, almost all TV sucks.

Since I figure a pod of manatees randomly selecting balls labeled with plot ideas could come up with better ideas (South Park reference, Holla!), I decided to try my hand at it.

*Attention television executives reading this! These are, obviously, all jokes and should not—at any point—be considered actual suggestions

“Home Living with Lindsay”

Question: who doesn’t like Lindsay Lohan? Answer: Nobody (you know, other than the people she steals from… and her dad… and the people she hit with her car…) On “Home Living”, Lindsay will show you the finer points of being a domestic goddess. In “Lindsay’s Craft Lounge” she will show you everything from bedazzling your house arrest ankle bracelet to sewing pockets into your clothing to make shoplifting easier. On “La Loca in La Kitchen” she will teach you how to bake cakes with hacksaws in them (bake a cake and break out of prison in 60 minutes or less!) and make margaritas rimmed with cocaine (buzz to blackout in 20 minute or less!). Finally on “Laying Back With Lindsay”, Lindsay will show you how to relax. Whether you need to unwind from a stressful day at work or come down from a 72 hour drug induced rampage, Lindsay will teach you proven relaxation techniques learned at one of her numerous trips to rehab.

“Sharing the Love”

Are you sick of stale sitcoms following a group of friends around at various generic-meeting places (coffee house, bar, restaurant)? Well here is the solution for you. Imagine this: the scene opens on the waiting room of a free clinic. Sitting around uncomfortably are 3 guys and 2 girls, all of different ethnicities (Not only does diversity create a much needed ethnic flare—a gumbo, if you will—but it also makes you more likely to win awards. 2011 Emmys, here I come). As the camera pans the group, we notice some trying to discreetly scratch themselves and others shifting uncomfortably in their chairs (probably due to inflammation). They finally begin opening up to each other and we learn their stories little by little. We laugh with Jorge as he tells us of his encounter with a one-legged midget prostitute and cry with Padma as she tells of her disastrous encounter with bestiality. As the series progresses, we see the group try out various sexual partners both inside and outside their group and play a warped game called “pass the venereal disease”. In the end, we fall for the group of loveable misfits with hearts of gold and genitals of toxic waste.

“Ward 23” (Notice the super serious name? That’s how you know this sh*t is serious)

We’ve all seen drama shows centered around doctors: Doctors in clinics. Doctors in hospitals. Doctors in third world countries (btw, ABC, “Off the Map” really sucks. Now might be a good time to cancel it). What we never really see, though, are the patients. Before you say, “portraying real people’s illnesses for dramatic effect is insensitive and exploitive,” let me point out that this is EXACTLY what shows like “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” and “Coming Home” do on a weekly basis. These shows have gotten to the point where their 30-second commercials are enough to reduce someone to tears. This blatant manipulation of human emotions (regardless of the ethics) is really all I’m going for with “Ward 23”. It will essentially be set in a mental hospital where we will see people at their absolute lowest: crippling depression, abuse and neglect issues, extreme forms of schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, and a myriad of other issues. These will all be played out week after week with no regard for continuity, plot, or character development but with the sole purpose of making you cry. After all, that is the mark of a truly good drama, right Lifetime channel?

“Bieber Battle Royale”

Imagine the cutthroat intensity and backstabbing of “America’s Next Top Model” combined with the extreme element of “Survivor” combined with the raging hormones of teenage girls. That’s right. I’ve struck upon reality TV gold. We will pick 12 of Justin Bieber’s biggest fans and leave them on an island together with the promise that whoever survives will get to meet the Biebs himself (herself? itself?). Week after week we will challenge the girls’ strength, drive, and intelligence and eliminate them one by one at a dramatic ceremony a la “The Bachelor”. Each girl will receive a flash drive which plugged into a computer will either play “Baby” or “Never Say Never”. If the girl receives “Baby”, she is till in the competition but the girl who receives “Never Say Never” will be sent packing. Sound like standard TV so far? Well here’s where the fun comes in. When a girl is eliminated, she can either go home or face off with a ferocious beast in a gladiator battle to the death. To get the audience involved, each week, fans of the show can vote for next week’s animal either by texting on your AT&T mobile devices or visiting our website bbr.com. When at last there are only two competitors left, we will let them face off in an epic battle. The girls will have to find their way through a maze filled with dangers (Shout out “Harry Potter” number 4!) and at the center, find a variety of weapons (once again, voted on by the audience). The girls will then fight each other to the death. Whoever survives gets to meet Justin Bieber (although they will probably faint with excitement before that happens).

“Sally Stereotype”

Let’s face it; nothing is more elegant and classy than an animated television series. Looking at shows like “Family Guy”, “The Simpsons”, and “South Park”, it’s easy to see that animated television is truly the highbrow, intellectual, NPR of television. The shows provide insight into our collective unconscious, amuse us with always subtle humor, and set a standard for all other types of media to live up to. Keeping this in mind, I have come up with the perfect animated series to propel me into the upper echelon of television. In “Sally Stereotype”, we will explore the town of Melting Pot and meet delightful characters like Haatim Hindu, Isaac Israeli, Maysan Muslim, Francine French, Miguel Mexican, and other delightfully (and appropriately) named characters. Each character will only act in a way that supports the racial stereotype that exists about their culture. This way, their behavior will not be confusing to audiences or cause them to think deeply about what our different assumptions and prejudices say about us. We will completely reinforce every stereotype in the book. Maysan Muslim will constantly walk around with a bulky package under her clothing while Artie American will eye her suspiciously and “anonymously” call homeland security on her. Meanwhile, Gretel German will move into Francine French’s home without invitation while Francine French huddles in a corner crying for Bobby British to save her. Jirou Japanese will make sushi while Miguel Mexican does landscaping. Coworkers Aarif Arab and Isaac Israeli will fight over parking spaces. And so on and so forth. And if you think this idea sounds offensive, it’s only because you are not evolved enough to understand it.

“Jersey Shore”

Get this: a group of young, ignorant, self professed “guidos” will move into a house together for a summer at the Jersey shore. We will watch them party, go to the gym, tan, do laundry and most of all realize that one should “never fall in love at the Jersey shore” (oh, they might go to the beach once a season too). There will be romance, hook ups, arrests, fights, and more Douche-baggery than even Guy Fieri can handle (shout out, Lexi Gusso). To make this more interesting, we will introduce a mythical “Snooki-monster” (the love child of a oompa loomp and a succubus) who’s skill set includes: grinding on “gorillas”, sobbing hysterically after being rejected by said gorillas, and stumbling around drunkenly. Essentially the only thing we are hoping for in this series is that no one kills anyone else from ‘roid rage.

Ah, who am I kidding, that last one would never work.

Do you have an idea for a TV show? Comment below. If it’s not completely stupid, I’ll post it up on the blog later!

New Blog Post Coming Soon!

Being an Internet celebrity is a lot of hard work and, frankly, I am tuckered out after 4 days of intense blogging. This weekend I will be checking in to a rehab facility due to "exhaustion" but I plan on being out by Sunday night. Check back then for a new post (which I promise is pretty awesome).

If you go through KB Thinks For You withdrawals between now and then, re-read some of the earlier ones or sleep with a picture of me near your bed.

Peace. Love. Buhlerness.

(sorry for that lame sign off but I really wanted to use "Buhlerness")

Youidiots on Youtube Part 2

In yesterday’s installment, we discussed the idiotic, yet harmless, comments on a few youtube videos. Of course, for every harmless comment there is a malicious, vicious, and ignorant one. It’s always funny to read these comments until you realize… not only do these people actually believe what they are saying, but Dear Lord, they can procreate.

One of the best of these comments I found was on Justin Bieber’s “Baby ft. Ludacris” video

 “I hate jews!!!

they are annoying f***ing retards

who don't know ANYTHING!!!

ughhh

i hate them

and MUSLIMS!”

Congratulations youtube user, not only is your comment offensive to a large percentage of the world’s population but it also doesn’t relate to the video at all. I think for this comment alone you are automatically nominated for the coveted “Douche of the Year” award. Currently the only other nominee is Guy Fieri (shout out to Lexi Gusso). This youtube user’s name is willytheamazing but I think it would be appropriate to rename him “willytheignorant” or “willyorwonthegethisasskicked”. As a firm believer in karma (yes, I know I’ve got mine coming) I can’t wait to see what’s waiting for him. I can only hope it comes at the hands of a radical Muslim Bieber fan.

The last video I took a look at was a political video. Political videos always have intense and polarizing debates that end with one grown adult calling another adult a “dick”. Essentially these videos are a mecca for idiotic people. What’s awesome about the comment I chose is that this guy managed to make himself look like an idiot without even engaging in a debate with another user.

From a video called “Taking America Back November 2010”

“Why this channele so left-leanign? Hairy Reid an Nanse Pelose is KILLIGN Amerca!!?! Imam Omaba dose too!!! Pailn/Chaney 2013!!”

From VintageWhiteTerror

I… I… I can’t even comment. Too many thoughts. So much stupid. Brain exploding. There is literally so much wrong with this comment that I don’t even know where to start. Can we just all agree that this person should neutered ASAP?

The next time you’re on youtube, check out some of the comments. Though they are a sad commentary on society as a whole, they sure as hell are a good ego-boost when you realize, “wow, next to that asshole, I’m a frickin’ genius”.

Youidiots on Youtube Part 1

As we all know, the Internet is a magical place where people of all ethnicities, religions, economic backgrounds, and genders can come together in one giant orgy of opinion. Unfortunately, not everyone has an opinion worth hearing. And by “not everyone” I really mean, “basically no one”. The Internet has essentially become a spawning place for evil. From old men posing as teenagers praying to God they don’t end up on “To Catch a Predator” to prepubescent girls declaring their love for Justin Bieber, the Internet is a place where everyone—and I do mean Everyone—has an opinion.

Conquering my fear of catching Idiocy through Internet exposure, I bravely dove head first into one of the seediest areas of the Internet: Youtube. Going there, you never know what you will find: drugged children, hilarious parodies, fan videos bordering on creepy, or the unexpectedly disgusting video that leaves you dry heaving over a toilet, youtube really does have it all. The most magical thing about youtube, however, is the ability for people to comment on any video they want.

Needless to say, most of these comments come from one of two areas: people hopelessly trying to sound intelligent/poetic/insightful or the Justin Bieber/Miley Cyrus contingent WhO iNsIsT oN tYpInG lIkE tHiS and feel :D or L is an adequate way to express the range of their emotions. It is from the brilliant minds of these people that we have gained little nuggets of wisdom like

“@selenagomez stay away from Justin pedophile, retard wait i'm gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smelly bed“

This, of course, is a tweet from a well-adjusted Bieber fan to Selena Gomez after it was announced they were dating. Aren’t you excited that people like that are the future of our country? But I digress…

As to the matter at hand, I have assembled a variety of youtube comments that LiTeRaLlY made me LOL, ROFL, LMAO, :D, and most of all, make me question mankind’s ability to survive this long.

Note: all comments are exactly as I found them with spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors intact

From a video entitled “Dog Paddling with Dolphins”

“There is something special about dolphins, something that concects us to them. After all we came from the water millions of years ago and I think that when we see them something turns on in a lost corner of our brain, there among the dna endless strains of information, something that tells us that once we were like them.”

Thank you, youtube user mikeborga, for this insightful look at dolphins. You are so right and never have I felt more connected to dolphins and the sea than I did after reading this comment. Dare I say, “something turned on in a lost corner of my brain”? Seriously though, I can’t help but read this comment and imagine a 40 year old, slightly over weight man wearing a dolphin graphic T youtubing “dolphin videos” while waiting to start a quest on World of Warcraft. What makes this comment even better is that it had 35 thumbs up and was the highest rated comment on the video. I cAn’T sToP smh.

It’s a common fact that 90% of all Internet users are girls under the age of 15 and of that percentage, 95% have unhealthy delusions that they are dating Justin Bieber and/or are best friends with Miley Cyrus. Of this percentage, 99% percent would kill anyone who had the audacity to disagree with them.

As evidence of this unholy devotion, I present a comment taken from “Miley Cyrus- One in a Million (Fan video)

“idk how could i not like her before, she's a really good person, i realized it when i read Miles To Go. Yes, she is... one in a MILLIARD.”

This is one of those instances when you should definitely keep your thoughts to yourself. I’m not sure which part of this comment I find more offensive, the fact that she tried to mash up “Miley”, “million”, and presumably one other word (the closest thing I can guess is “lizard”) or the fact that “Miles To Go” is probably the only book this girl has read. Either way, to quote Monty Python: “I fart in your general direction” youtube user LidiaLovesLindsay.

Of course, this comment is not nearly as bad as the nugget of advice user vinice12reali gave us with her eloquent defense of Justin Bieber on the video “Baby ft. Ludacris”:

“shut the f*** up ok? he's talented UNLIKE YOU! so shut the f*** up and get a life you f***ing pervert and go f*** your daddy”

Ah, yes, the old “go f*** your daddy” routine. How mature. How ladylike. How delightfully white trashy. I would comment more on this but I’m afraid vinice12reali will find out where I live.

If you still have some—slight—hope in humanity after reading these comments, just wait… Tomorrow I’m going to post Part 2 that has a few more gems and many more delightful and insightful comments from yours truly.

How To Avoid "How To" Lists

I recently saw a cover to some teen magazine telling me they had 859 ways to get pretty for summer.  After immediately clutching the magazine to my chest and exclaiming in my best southern drawl “thank the lord for that”, I tossed the magazine to the ground and stomped on it in haughty derision.

I used to wonder where they came up with these “How To” lists because they seem to answer every single question I could ever have about being a girl. And let’s face it, navigating girl world without the aid of an extensive “How To Dress for My Body Type” is like jumping from an airplane without a chute: most likely deadly but on the off chance of survival, painful and disfiguring.

For those of you either just learning how to read or too dense to pick up on it: that was SARCASM.

These lists are worse than useless. Each magazine has about four lists just like this that they shuffle and reprint under a new title every few months. They also tell you generic, common sense things like “if you have a jello-y butt, don’t wear leggings”. At their best, lists like these are boring. At their worst, they prey on the insecurities of their prepubescent audience. Whatever you want to call them, they are a colossal waste of time.

I use to try to read those lists but about 5 (not-so) helpful hints in, I would give up and flip to the celebrity interview where I proceeded to mock the star mercilessly for begging for more privacy (WHILE GIVING AN INTERVIEW) and scoff at their claims of being bullied in high school—but we’ll save these complaints for a later blog.

In the end, I realized these supposedly authoritative lists of “How To Get the Proper Hair Cut for Your Face” or “How To Tell if He’s Into You” (hint: if he is ignoring your texts and dodging you in the hallway, he probably isn’t) are nothing more than a combination of the magazine’s need for a monthly filler while boosting advertising and the magazine editor’s futile attempts at clinging to her youth.

Have you ever looked at the editor’s page in any of those magazines? They are all single women in their 40’s with unfortunate body types. Given the fact that they have used their perfectly manicured hands to claw their way to the top, have undoubtedly stabbed a few friends in the back with their Jimmy Choos, and have sacrificed their social lives in the pursuit of controlling a magazine they loved as pre-teens, these lists are nothing more than a way for them to exert some small amount of control in a life that has spiraled.

So in the spirit of the day, here is the only “How To” you’ll ever need.

“How To Succeed in Life Without Reading ‘How To’ Lists”

1.     Throw away all lists of others telling you what to do

2.     Wipe those tears of uncertainty off your face (they make your skin blotchy)

3.     On a fresh sheet of paper, write “I will do what I want, how I want, when I want”

4.     Now go do what’s on your list (and don’t cry to me if you fail)

And since you will now no longer be spending money on magazine subscriptions: lean back, relax, and crack open a can of Mountain Dew.

Manifesto

I’ve come to the realization that some people (me) are vastly superior to other people (you). To quote Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility” and as much as I may despise you lowly peasants, it is my duty to impart my wisdom on you. Let’s face it… without people like me, people like you wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. Before we go any further, however, I think it’s only fair to tell you what you can and can’t expect from this—for lack of a better word—blog.

Won’t:

This blog WON’T be a pick-me-up for those of you searching for an escape from the mundane drudgery of your exceedingly average 9-5 lives

This blog WON’T be politically correct musings on categorically “safe” subjects because, let’s be honest, no one cares. (If they did, CNN would be beating Fox News in the ratings… BAZINGA)

This blog WON’T be a blow-by-blow account (yes, this is a prostitute reference) of my life because there is nothing more boring than a daily list of “first I woke up… then I ate breakfast…then I threw up my meal to stay skinny…” (and if you do have a desire to know these things, let me know so I can get a restraining order in place)

This blog WON’T be an open forum for me to shove my political or religious views down your throats—regardless of how right mine may be

Will:

This blog WILL be more awesome than anything you have ever seen, heard, read, or even imagined (I’m pretty epic that way)

This blog WILL be a place for me to go on extended ramblings about I variety of topics I deem important i.e. any readers of this blog need to be aware that they zero control over what I talk about and if they have a problem with that they should either read another blog or grow a pair

On this blog, it WILL always open season for going after certain individuals or groups of people. Basic rule of thumb: at some point, at least one of your annoying traits will upset me enough that there will be a blog post about it

This blog WILL sometimes contain humorous stories either from my life among savages (aka children I teach swimming lessons to) or little gems from my imagination that you wish you could think of

This blog WILL be a constant guide for you to live your life. Just ask WWKD? If you’re doing something you think I wouldn’t like, change your behavior before I put your number on Craigslist under “transvestite looking for love”

Lastly, this blog WILL be a constant, bittersweet reminder of your own inferiority. If my sheer awesomeness is too much for you, take two Advil, sleep it off, and have a beer in the morning. If symptoms last longer than 24 hours, seek medical attention. Tell them Katie sent you; they’ll know what you mean.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal(ly inferior to me), that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights (to listen to me), that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Katiness.

This is my manifesto.