People have been really out of hand lately. Clearly they are unable to deal with their day-to-day lives without me telling them what to.
With that in mind, I’m proud to present another addition of “KB’s Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off.”
This week we’ll be tackling problems at the library. Mainly because that’s where I spend the majority of my time (#humblebrag).
5. The food/drink rule
I’m not sure if everyone goes/went to as prestigious school as me. In case you didn’t know I’m extremely intelligent and academically gifted (#humblebrag jk #fullonbrag). I mean, my school is located in the Bronx near a fine night club called the Candy Lounge where there was a shooting two weeks ago. Be jealous. Anyway, my school has a strict “No Food/Drink” policy in the library (gotta protect those books, you guys). Security is really good at enforcing this rule. And by that I mean, I once got caught drinking a Mountain Dew (save your judgment, please) and the guy made me throw it away. Now I bring my Mountain Dew but cover it with my coat. Super secretive, you guys.
Unfortunately, security isn’t as good as catching people eating. Which is surprising because when people bring food to the library they typically bring the loudest food they can possibly think of. Chips. Pretzels. Those Nature Valley granola bars. And these assholes sit here eating the loudest possible thing in the world while the rest of us are forced to throw our half-full Mountain Dews away!
So security guards, I get it. You have a job to do. But… how about you take care of the eaters first? I mean, I’m just trying to stay hydrated. Lay off, son.
4. Reading in the aisles instead of at a desk
The library is literally littered with places to sit and do work. Comfy chairs. Single desks. Large tables. Group study rooms. So why do people insist on sitting and reading their books in the middle of the aisles? Not only are they in my way when I’m trying to walk but I am always nervous they are going to see me drinking my Mountain Dew very secretively and report me. I can’t afford another violation on my permanent record! Do us all a favor and find a frickin desk.
3. Sitting in a desk right by me
I just talked about the fact that the library is filled with places to sit. I wouldn’t be surprised if the library has more desks than there are people in my hometown. That being said; don’t sit in a desk right by me. Respect my need for space and respect the fact that I probably don’t like you as a person. If you sit within five feet of me you should assume that a) I’ve at least thought about causing you bodily harm b) I’ve already texted people about the idiot sitting near me while exaggerating your physical appearances until you seem like some hideous mutant c) I’m going to sigh loudly and make a lot of noise until you get the hint and leave my area.
2. Answering your phone
Who hasn’t been called while in the middle of a quiet place? It happens frequently (because I’m so popular, you guys). Since I’m NOT a huge asshole, I typically answer it in a whisper and ask if I can call back at a more convenient time.
Haha. Just kidding. I’m not that polite. I actually say something along the lines of “What do you want? I’m in the library. I’ll call you later.” I then try to remember to call the person back some time within the next 3 weeks (punctuality is important, you guys).
Some people in the library seem to have missed this memo. Not only do they answer their phone at full volume BUT they precede to have the full conversation. On top of that, sometimes they like to put the conversation on speakerphone (so much more convenient, you guys). Being the passive aggressive person that I am, I simply shoot daggers at them with my eyes and wish for their quick (yet painful) death.
1. Talking in the library
I know I sort of just covered this with the phone thing but this pisses me off so much that it earns two spots on the count down. What do you do if your conversations are too important and exciting to be had over the phone? I know! Head to the library and have it there! Nothing says “good place to talk” quite like the library. I know that when I tell my slutty escapades from the night before I like to do it at full volume in a room full of silent strangers! What better place to discusses Chad’s awesome rager from last weekend than a desk in the library during midterms?
Come on. Pull your head out of your ass long enough to stumble back to Chad’s and see if you can find someone there who wants to hear your crappy story.
Clearly I could have ranted on this subject for a lot longer but I think my point was made. Also, I’m getting a phone call and need to wipe all the chip powder off my hands. And some girl just flipped me off when she tripped over me sitting in the aisle. Seriously? How did she not see me here? Ugh. People are so inconsiderate.
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