Why Bully When You Can Get the Milk for Free?

I’m a little confused. I keep hearing all these things about bullies in middle school and elementary school like it’s some big problem.

Excuse me, but when did bullying become a bad thing?

I mean, what’s wrong with telling your friend he looks like tool wearing shorts in January? What’s wrong with pushing your friend into a snow bank? What’s wrong with bullying a 13 year old about their sexual orientation?

Oh… wait.

Yeah, assholes. That last kind of bullying is kind of ruining it for the rest of us. 

I enjoy making my friends feel as shitty as possible 90% of the time we’re together.

That’s how they know I care.

But most of the fun of saying mean and terribly hurtful things is having someone say them back to you.

That’s how you know they care.

It’s like a fun little competition you can have to see who is the wittiest and who is the meanest.

That’s why I’m dumbfounded by people bullying others to the point of suicide. That’s just a bad day all around.

Not to mention, in every movie with bullies, either the bully is ugly, terrible and get’s his comeuppance:

1.     Billy Madison- The O’Doyle clan bullies Billy all through the movie… until their car slips on a banana peel in the road and they drive off a cliff. Karma: 1 Bullies: 0

2.     South Park- Cartman is physically repulsive and also the biggest asshole in the world. He get’s his comeuppance nearly every episode, including the one when his friends dye his hair and bleach his skin so he turns into a ginger; the very people he was mocking Karma: 2 Bullies: 0

3.     A Christmas Story- Scut Farkus is arguably the douchiest bully of all time. He terrorizes Ralphie and friends right before Christmas… until Ralphie flips out and beats the shit out of him. Karma: 3 Bullies : 0. Plus, his name is Scut Farkus. I’d say Karma: 4 Bullies :0

OR the bully is the pretty, popular kid who still gets their comeuppance in the end:

1.     Pretty in Pink- James Spader’s character—with the unfortunate name of Steff—is a huge ass and an even bigger tool. His sole purpose in the movie is to walk around and make everyone hate him. At the end of the movie, he doesn’t end up with the girl, loses his friend, and get’s punched in the face by Jon Cryer. Now that’s embarrassing. Karma: 5 Bullies: 0

This is what depression looks like. This is also what being stoned looks like.

2.     Beauty and the Beast- Talk about taking rejection poorly. Gaston is an asshole who convinces the whole town to go on a hunt against the poor, innocent Beast (to be fair, Beauty and the Beast can only be described as a society-approved tale of bestiality). After getting beaten to a pulp by the beast, Gaston falls off a tower to his death. Karma: 6 Bullies: 0

3.     Mean Girls- Don’t worry, I didn’t forget the biggest bully of them all—Regina George.  This delightful character basically ran the school and made everyone feel terrible about themselves before—that’s right—being hit by a bus. Karma: 7 Bullies: 0

Post-bus neck-brace. That is so fetch.

Long story short, bullying sucks. If don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Or better yet, say it to a true friend.

While you’re at it, head over to this website to sign a petition  to stop a law in Tennessee that essentially excuses bullying as long as you can justify it with your political or religious beliefs. I personally don’t give a f@ck about your political or religious convictions but bullying isn’t excusable.

When you're done with that, share the link with the people you know.