Lessons You Can Learn from My Friendship

I’d like to start out this blog with the statement that I personally like you, reader, very much.

There are very few people that I genuinely like in this world. We’re talking single digits. (Remember, I just said that you’re one of them!)

Luckily for me, one of my all time favorite people is currently here in New York. Not to be overly sentimental but I’ve learned quite a few things while with this person. In my never ending quest to keep you all well informed and ease the mind-numbing boredom that makes up your everyday life, I’ve decided to recount some of the most important lessons I’ve learned with her.

1) Apples are delicious. Some things should not be eaten with apples.

Once upon a time there were two girls bored at work with nothing on hand other than some apple slices and various condiments. One thing led to another and I can now say I’ve eaten apples in barbeque sauce, ketchup, ranch dressing, Coca-Cola and various mixtures made of the four. Unless you want to vomit, do not attempt.

Don't mix your drinks. Or your apples and dips for that matter. 

2) Funyons are good in your mouth. Not in your nose.

Once upon a time there were two girls bored at work with nothing on hand other than a bag of Funyons. After discussing the pre-teen phenomenon of snorting Smarties candy, we decided to try what we had on hand. After pulverizing the Funyons with our dirty hands on an even dirtier counter at the pool, we proceeded to inhale Funyons. Let me tell you, those little devils are sharp. It was painful. All in all, not one of our better ideas.

 For oral ingestion only

3) Take time to enjoy the view. And get out of work in the process.

The afore mentioned friend and myself used to be in swim team together. We both enjoyed swimming and we both enjoyed the coach. That being said, there is a limited amount of laps one can swim before one contemplates dousing the coach’s car in gasoline and striking a match. To maintain our sanity, we would take a mandatory break every evening to “watch the sun set behind the capital” (aka take a break). So when you want to get out of doing something unpleasant, become really engrossed with something in nature and you’ll be home free. Oh are you trying to tell me that won’t work? Sorry, can’t hear you. I’m looking at the cutest little squirrel!

 How can you expect me to swim when I'm watching this?

4) Take care of your sick child. Don’t bring them to swimming lessons.

Yep. There was only one other witness to the birth of THE LEGEND OF POOPY FEET. And it was this friend. No words can describe the pain, shock, confusion, and repulsion that came from this event. My therapist is still trying to help me work through this. Lesson learned? If your child has explosive diarrhea, don’t bring it to swimming lessons. If you do bring your child and it shits in the pool, at least offer an apology or act like you feel slightly embarrassed or something.

Don't be this woman

5) Don’t get mad. Get even.

This past summer on a trip, I pulled a harmless prank on my friend. While she was in a really sketchy gas station that happened to be the only building in a 50-mile radius with really sketchy cowboys inside, I drove a little ways off and hid myself and the car from her. I let her panic for a couple minutes before I drove back into sight. Rather than getting upset, she took a candy bar and smeared it all over the driver’s side of the windshield. Touche.

 Not quite as delicious when it's smeared on your car

And finally,

6) Figure out what your friend hates. And then use it against them.

Remember Tegan and Sara? My friend is not a fan. Not a fan at all. She does not like their voices. She does not like their songs. She does not like their girl-mullets. She does not like the fact that they are Canadian. Or Twins. Or… Indie Rockers (bet that’s not what you thought I was going to say). So what I like to do, just to let her know I care, is put Tegan and Sara on in the car. Or make her watch their movie. Or make countless references with another friend (ENCIRCLE ME). Basically, the best way to let your friend know that you care about them is to constantly degrade them and disregard their wishes.

 What's not to love?

I hope you all have learned some lessons from this. Take it from me, some of these are not life lessons you want to learn on your own.

Oh and also, happy birthday to one of my acquaintances this Friday. Her name is Raeann. Or something like that. Not sure. We’re not close.

And as for my other friend whose actual birthday is today, I know you are way too hipster and non-conformist to enjoy people wishing you a happy birthday. But just remember, your youth is fading, old age is just around the bend. What's that sound? Hmm I believe that's sound of settling.