KB's Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off: Library Edition

People have been really out of hand lately. Clearly they are unable to deal with their day-to-day lives without me telling them what to.

With that in mind, I’m proud to present another addition of “KB’s Top Five Ways To Piss Me Off.”

This week we’ll be tackling problems at the library. Mainly because that’s where I spend the majority of my time (#humblebrag).

5. The food/drink rule

I’m not sure if everyone goes/went to as prestigious school as me. In case you didn’t know I’m extremely intelligent and academically gifted (#humblebrag jk #fullonbrag). I mean, my school is located in the Bronx near a fine night club called the Candy Lounge where there was a shooting two weeks ago. Be jealous. Anyway, my school has a strict “No Food/Drink” policy in the library (gotta protect those books, you guys). Security is really good at enforcing this rule. And by that I mean, I once got caught drinking a Mountain Dew (save your judgment, please) and the guy made me throw it away. Now I bring my Mountain Dew but cover it with my coat. Super secretive, you guys.

Unfortunately, security isn’t as good as catching people eating. Which is surprising because when people bring food to the library they typically bring the loudest food they can possibly think of. Chips. Pretzels. Those Nature Valley granola bars. And these assholes sit here eating the loudest possible thing in the world while the rest of us are forced to throw our half-full Mountain Dews away!

 Truth

So security guards, I get it. You have a job to do. But… how about you take care of the eaters first? I mean, I’m just trying to stay hydrated. Lay off, son.

4. Reading in the aisles instead of at a desk

The library is literally littered with places to sit and do work. Comfy chairs. Single desks. Large tables. Group study rooms. So why do people insist on sitting and reading their books in the middle of the aisles? Not only are they in my way when I’m trying to walk but I am always nervous they are going to see me drinking my Mountain Dew very secretively and report me. I can’t afford another violation on my permanent record! Do us all a favor and find a frickin desk.

3. Sitting in a desk right by me

I just talked about the fact that the library is filled with places to sit. I wouldn’t be surprised if the library has more desks than there are people in my hometown. That being said; don’t sit in a desk right by me. Respect my need for space and respect the fact that I probably don’t like you as a person. If you sit within five feet of me you should assume that a) I’ve at least thought about causing you bodily harm b) I’ve already texted people about the idiot sitting near me while exaggerating your physical appearances until you seem like some hideous mutant c) I’m going to sigh loudly and make a lot of noise until you get the hint and leave my area.

My descriptions can't do you justice 

2. Answering your phone

Who hasn’t been called while in the middle of a quiet place? It happens frequently (because I’m so popular, you guys). Since I’m NOT a huge asshole, I typically answer it in a whisper and ask if I can call back at a more convenient time.

Haha. Just kidding. I’m not that polite. I actually say something along the lines of “What do you want? I’m in the library. I’ll call you later.” I then try to remember to call the person back some time within the next 3 weeks (punctuality is important, you guys).

Some people in the library seem to have missed this memo. Not only do they answer their phone at full volume BUT they precede to have the full conversation. On top of that, sometimes they like to put the conversation on speakerphone (so much more convenient, you guys). Being the passive aggressive person that I am, I simply shoot daggers at them with my eyes and wish for their quick (yet painful) death.

 This is what you look like. Except even douchier

1. Talking in the library

I know I sort of just covered this with the phone thing but this pisses me off so much that it earns two spots on the count down. What do you do if your conversations are too important and exciting to be had over the phone? I know! Head to the library and have it there! Nothing says “good place to talk” quite like the library. I know that when I tell my slutty escapades from the night before I like to do it at full volume in a room full of silent strangers! What better place to discusses Chad’s awesome rager from last weekend than a desk in the library during midterms? 

Come on. Pull your head out of your ass long enough to stumble back to Chad’s and see if you can find someone there who wants to hear your crappy story.

 False.

Clearly I could have ranted on this subject for a lot longer but I think my point was made. Also, I’m getting a phone call and need to wipe all the chip powder off my hands. And some girl just flipped me off when she tripped over me sitting in the aisle. Seriously? How did she not see me here? Ugh. People are so inconsiderate.

3rd World Problems

I almost didn’t get around to writing a blog this week. I had prior commitments.

And by “prior commitments” I mean reading countless pages of mind-numbingly boring articles to the point where I cried tears of blood (#humblebrag)

Yes, this is how crazy my eyes look 

But then I thought to myself, “what would you, oh humble readers, do without me in your life?”

But THEN I thought, “what about all those poor people in third world countries who don’t even know their savior (me) is here on earth?”

That got me to thinking about how much it would suck to live in third world countries!

I mean, aside from the starvation, disease, and genocide… they don’t even have Twilight to make fun of!

The people there don’t have access to clean water meaning they can’t shower or brush their teeth. I shower at least once a day if for no other reason than my hair becomes disgustingly greasy about 12 minutes after it’s dry. If I lived in one of these places, my hair would so greasy that I could fry up some McDonalds’ French fries with it.

You know, if they had French fries there.

There is also the extremely limited job potential. You’re pretty much stuck with Dictator, Activist murdered by age 30, or adopted child of a celebrity.

I know this is inappropriate but so, so funny #teamaniston 

They don’t even know how good at basketball they are! (Settle down. That was a joke)

Honestly, what would suck the most is being surrounded by the swarming wasps.

And when I say “WASP” I don’t mean the insect. I’m talking White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. 

Don't worry, 3rd world! We're here to help... Right after our polo match

While I know a few truly good, kind people who have gone to some third world countries and actually done good, the majority are entitled rich people going over there for a chance at fluffing their resumes or looking for a charity to show their public mindedness (Oprah, I’m looking at you).

If you’re at all interested, look into these projects to see what you can do to help.

The Water Project

UNICEF

AidDarfur

And hey, do you like what I did here? I didn’t really have the time to write a decently funny blog but by making it a humanitarian themed one you guys will all feel like assholes if you say anything! (Seriously though, they are important causes and you should at least read up on them)

Grammys Recap Part 2

Welcome back to my 2012 Grammy Recap! Geez. The break between these two posts was almost as long as the commercial breaks during the Grammys. Anyway, if you missed Part 1, check it out here. And now, let’s continue.

Foo Fighters: Pretty much the house band of this year’s Grammys. Was there a musical number they weren’t involved in? To be fair, Dave Grohl looked like he was having a blast up there with Sir Paul. Speaking of Sir Paul…

I can't see Dave Grohl's face but it looks like he's having a good time.

Paul McCartney: The only living Beatle! Oh… Ringo’s still alive? Nevermind. Anyway, Paul is awesome but I stuck out the 3 ½ hour show because I was promised Paul McCartney playing some Beatles classics at the end. Instead he played a few that I vaguely knew and then jammed with literally everyone in the building who has ever even held a guitar.

How many guitars can YOU find in this picture?

David Guetta and Deadmau5: Listen, I’m here for the Grammys. Not a rave. Take your glow sticks and migrane-inducing beats and find an abandoned warehouse somewhere. I almost wished I had epilepsy so I’d have a legitimate excuse to be seizing during that performance.

They must be raving mad to put that on the Grammys. (See what I did there?)

Katy Perry: I literally don’t have anything to say about this because it was truly that bad. Pyrotechnics. Awkward dancing. Pyramid made out of men. Generic pop song. Shaky vocals. Awkward blue crimped hair.

And then this happened...

Nicki Minaj: I think I can sum up everyone's thoughts on this video with an all-encompassing WHATTHEFUCK? No words. I’m afraid to describe it incase I get possessed by Roman. Or was Roman the person being possessed? Or the priest performing the exorcism? I don’t know. If you’re curious, check it out for yourself.

Jennifer Hudson: If anyone could pull off a Whitney tribute, it would be J.Hud. She did a pretty good job with range and an even better job holding off the tears until the end.

Taylor Swift: Being an avid twitter user, I’ve been noticing my girl T Swift getting a lot of crap for her Dust Bowl inspired outfit. H8er’s gonna H8. I thought she rocked her performance and she’s made more money than the rest of us will in our entire lifetime. She can wear whatever the hell she wants.

Photograph courtesy of Dorothea Lange (high five if you got that reference)

Beach Boys Reunion/Glen Campbell Tribute: Both were nice touches but forgettable for the simple fact that neither are that relevant anymore. And before you get angry about that, I’d like to publicly state that I LOVE “Rhinestone Cowboy.” So there.

Adele: Had to save the best for last. Anyone who doesn’t appreciate Adele doesn’t know what’s up. Also, she gave the best performance of the night simply by standing in one place and singing.

"I'll just stand here as you applaud my greatness"

There were probably other performers but let’s face it, if I didn’t write about it, it’s because it was completely forgettable.

There were also numerous awards but who watches award shows for the awards? Everyone knows you watch the Grammys for the performances, the Emmys for the skits, the Oscars for the smiles plastered on the face of the losers, and you don’t watch the Tonys.

"No! I'm totally happy for you! I swear! I'm going to go home and cut myself"

Grammys Recap Part 1

This past Sunday was the 52^nd annual Grammy Awards (please note, I have no idea what number it actually was but 52^nd sounds nice so let’s roll with it).

And I am proud ashamed to admit I watched the entire thing. And most of the red carpet.

This was all done so if I heard someone say, “Did you see the Grammys?”

I could say, “Oh yeah, I watched like five minutes of it.”

“Did you see [insert tacky/surprising/embarrassing moment here]?”

“Yeah! That was the only part I saw! Wasn’t it [fill in appropriate adjective here]”

For those of you who looked like complete fools around the water cooler the next day because you missed show; have no fear. I’m here to help you out.

Red Carpet: A few people looked pretty. Everyone talked about Whitney Houston and tried to hold back tears. E! had a few shameless plugs for their terrible reality shows (Khloe and Lamar premieres soon!). Lots of people tried to look crazy in order to outdo Lady Gaga. Speaking of Lady Gaga, either she skipped the red carpet or got trapped under Nicki Minaj’s weird Catholic Bishop/Little Red Riding Hood hybrid outfit.

Springsteen Performance: Bruuuuuuuce! 1^st thought, “Cool, Springsteen is opening!” 2^nd thought, “Why is Springsteen opening?” 3^rd thought, “Why isn’t he playing one of the 10 songs of his I know?” 4^th thought, “Eh, his songs all sound pretty much the same. I can get into this.” Also, my roommates are from Jersey. Ergo, their blood runs Red, White, and Boss. They informed me the song was alright but not one of his best ones. They’re from Jersey. I trust that.

And I... will always love you

Bruno Mars: Not a fan of the music and secretly wish he would actually catch a grenade but hey, the kid’s got some pretty sweet 50’s style moves. Also, his teeth are really white.

Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt: “Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony…” Just kidding. They sounded great and did a nice Etta James tribute.

Chris Brown: The music: average. The dance moves: above average. The lip-syncing: terrible. The chances I’m going to forget that he beat his girlfriend: zero.

"Oh. You all still remember that?"

Rihanna and Coldplay: 1^st thought, “Hmm Rihanna and Coldplay? Sounds cool!” 2^nd thought, “Why does Rihanna’s hair look like she stepped out of a bad 80’s movie?” 3^rd thought, “This sounds terrible. Please make it stop.” Lesson learned here: not every collaboration sounds good. Also, don’t forget to dye your roots.

LL Cool J: I know he didn’t perform but I couldn’t leave him out of my wrap up. LL served the important role of GRAMMY HOST! I mean, without him, the show couldn’t go on! Except for the fact that the Grammys haven’t had a host for the past 7 years. The reinstatement of a host was an unnecessary and hardly-subtle plug for whatever television show he’s on. LL, mama said, “knock YOU out.”

"Come on, guys. You need me, right?"

Don’t go anywhere! Part 2 of my Grammys’ recap will be posted tomorrow! Seriously. Don’t go anywhere. Stay on this page and keep refreshing until tomorrow.

Hogwash, Harry Potter, Hogwash

I’m about as big of a Harry Potter fan as you’ll find. I’ve read the entire series probably upwards of twenty times. I can’t help it, it’s my own personal brand of heroin the greatest thing of all time and I will Avada Kedavra anyone who disagrees.

There’s magic. Evil. Bravery. Friendship. Love. Gingers. Owls. Werewolves. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Back stabbing. Abusive teachers. Airborne sports. Lord Voldemort.

Lord Voldemort doesn't give a f@ck 

Basically, if you don’t like Harry Potter, you should just Wingardium Leviosa yourself out of my life before I Crucio your ass.

As much as I love Harry Potter, however, there are a few logic fails that have always sort of bothered me.

For one, what’s up with those owls? As much as I would love to have a snowy owl as a pet, how do they do that crazy mail stuff?

1.     Harry never tells Hedwig where to go but she always knows how to get there

2.     Assuming Hedwig does know how to get there, where does she keep the letter? In her beak? In her talons? Are we really going to trust an owl with our top-secret mail? How do muggles not see that? And what about packages? Are you trying to tell me that no one noticed a peck of owls (yes, peck is the right term, assholes) flying all around the place with FedEx boxes? What about an owl carrying a broomstick through the air in broad daylight?

3.     Let’s just pretend that everything I already mentioned about owls can be discarded with the explanation of “magic.” What about the fact that the owls deliver their mail during breakfast? Do you know how filthy birds are? They eat nasty rodents and step in their own poop. Yet Harry lets Hedwig drink out of his cup! I’m sorry but that’s not ok. Bird flu, yo.

 Solution to the bird problem?

My next complaint is a little technical. Hermione mentions that Hogwarts has a bunch of anti-muggle charms around it where if you get too close you just see castle ruins with a sign talking about how unsafe the building is. Question, when you hide a building, does it hide the people around it too? I get the logic that the people inside are hidden but what happens when you walk outside? Are you invisible? Can people not see you flying your broomstick? I would think that would probably raise a few eyebrows.

Even assuming you can’t see the wizards, do you really think putting a sign that says “Keep Out” is going to stop people? If I saw a sign telling me there was a ruined castle that was falling apart, my first instinct would be to go check it out! You know, take some sweet pictures. And then I would call up Ghost Adventures so they could check it out.

 Can you imagine how much cooler it would be to plank at Hogwarts?

Also, if all these people are magical, why do they still live like they’re in the middle ages? Why are you walking around in robes and shit? Why are you writing with a quill? What are you, Benjamin Franklin or something (Boom! History roasted)? Why do you still use candles and fire? I get that you can magically start a fire with your wand but wouldn’t be just as easy to wave your wand and get central heating?

Finally, why didn’t any of these people use their magic to make their lives better? Dumbledore can wave his wand and make a comfy chair appear out of nowhere yet Mr. and Mrs. Weasley can’t wave their wands and get themselves some more money? Or a nicer house? Or a decent pair of dress robes for Ron?

I could vomit something better than that

As for Hermione, muggles have this wonderful thing called a hair straightner. If they can do it, the least you can do is find some spell to make your hair permanently not-nasty.

It's like she's wearing Ron's robes on her head

And as for Harry, there has to be a wizard version of eye surgery. Why not get your vision fixed? Or at least get a pair of glasses that don’t make you look untouchable?

Maybe if he got better glasses, instead of The Boy Who Lived, he could be The Boy Who Gets Girls

But hey, at the end of the day, Harry Potter is still awesome if for no other reason than there are not sparkly vampires and the main characters have more than one facial expression. (Kristen Stewart, I’m talking to you).

Why Bully When You Can Get the Milk for Free?

I’m a little confused. I keep hearing all these things about bullies in middle school and elementary school like it’s some big problem.

Excuse me, but when did bullying become a bad thing?

I mean, what’s wrong with telling your friend he looks like tool wearing shorts in January? What’s wrong with pushing your friend into a snow bank? What’s wrong with bullying a 13 year old about their sexual orientation?

Oh… wait.

Yeah, assholes. That last kind of bullying is kind of ruining it for the rest of us. 

I enjoy making my friends feel as shitty as possible 90% of the time we’re together.

That’s how they know I care.

But most of the fun of saying mean and terribly hurtful things is having someone say them back to you.

That’s how you know they care.

It’s like a fun little competition you can have to see who is the wittiest and who is the meanest.

That’s why I’m dumbfounded by people bullying others to the point of suicide. That’s just a bad day all around.

Not to mention, in every movie with bullies, either the bully is ugly, terrible and get’s his comeuppance:

1.     Billy Madison- The O’Doyle clan bullies Billy all through the movie… until their car slips on a banana peel in the road and they drive off a cliff. Karma: 1 Bullies: 0

2.     South Park- Cartman is physically repulsive and also the biggest asshole in the world. He get’s his comeuppance nearly every episode, including the one when his friends dye his hair and bleach his skin so he turns into a ginger; the very people he was mocking Karma: 2 Bullies: 0

3.     A Christmas Story- Scut Farkus is arguably the douchiest bully of all time. He terrorizes Ralphie and friends right before Christmas… until Ralphie flips out and beats the shit out of him. Karma: 3 Bullies : 0. Plus, his name is Scut Farkus. I’d say Karma: 4 Bullies :0

OR the bully is the pretty, popular kid who still gets their comeuppance in the end:

1.     Pretty in Pink- James Spader’s character—with the unfortunate name of Steff—is a huge ass and an even bigger tool. His sole purpose in the movie is to walk around and make everyone hate him. At the end of the movie, he doesn’t end up with the girl, loses his friend, and get’s punched in the face by Jon Cryer. Now that’s embarrassing. Karma: 5 Bullies: 0

This is what depression looks like. This is also what being stoned looks like.

2.     Beauty and the Beast- Talk about taking rejection poorly. Gaston is an asshole who convinces the whole town to go on a hunt against the poor, innocent Beast (to be fair, Beauty and the Beast can only be described as a society-approved tale of bestiality). After getting beaten to a pulp by the beast, Gaston falls off a tower to his death. Karma: 6 Bullies: 0

3.     Mean Girls- Don’t worry, I didn’t forget the biggest bully of them all—Regina George.  This delightful character basically ran the school and made everyone feel terrible about themselves before—that’s right—being hit by a bus. Karma: 7 Bullies: 0

Post-bus neck-brace. That is so fetch.

Long story short, bullying sucks. If don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Or better yet, say it to a true friend.

While you’re at it, head over to this website to sign a petition  to stop a law in Tennessee that essentially excuses bullying as long as you can justify it with your political or religious beliefs. I personally don’t give a f@ck about your political or religious convictions but bullying isn’t excusable.

When you're done with that, share the link with the people you know.