As the year winds down and the end of the world approaches
(if you believe the Mayans) let’s take a moment to say goodbye to some of the
things we lost this year.
1. One Tree Hill
I’m going
to be honest, I did not realize that this show was still on the air until I saw
it trending on twitter for having its finale. I used to watch One Tree Hill (or OTH, as fans called it) every single Wednesday after CCD from 8th
grade until college when they introduced the “Nanny Carrie” plot. For those of
you who don’t know, OTH started off
as a typical show about teen angst, then all the sudden fast-forwarded 5 years,
had one of the couples pop out a kid and then brought in a crazy nanny who
tried to kidnap him before she was killed in a cornfield. Not like they lived in
South Carolina where there are no corn fields or anything… Long story short, OTH was amazing and pushed the limits
for believability on a television show. They will be missed (at least until
Chad Michael Murray finds another acting job)
2. Twilight
I don’t
know what I am going to do with myself now that I don’t have a Twilight movie to wait for every 9
months. It was like being pregnant but instead of having to suffer hours of
labor and then take care of a kid for the next 18 years, you just had to suffer
a few hours of Kristen Stewart’s apathy. Not to mention, Twilight was such an easy movie to make fun of! At every twist and
turn there was some lackluster acting performance, embarrassingly cheesy line
of dialogue, or terrifying tattoo to mock. I don’t know what will now hold that
place in my heart.
Solid tattoo choice. I'm sure this will still look good in 20 years
3. Jelena
For those
of you not as up to date as me on “youth slang,” Jelena is the celebrity couple name for Justin Bieber and Selena
Gomez. For a couple that I didn’t believe would last longer than 3 dates, they
sure made it a long time. Until they inevitably broke up after Justin and
Selena both realized they found Ryan Gosling attractive (and honestly, who can
blame them?)
I figured why post a Jelena picture and pass up a perfectly good opportunity for a shirtless Ryan Gosling one?
4. Mitt Romney’s Presidential Campaign
This may
sound mean but let’s be honest; Romney has been running for president basically
since 2007. Now that those dreams have been crushed by a
Nazi-socialist-communist-Muslim, Romney has more time to spend with his lovely
wife (the ice-princess Ann), his sons (named after various inanimate objects),
his horse (who I think is named after the baboon in The Lion King), and the 53% of Americans who don’t think that
everyone is entitled to government hand-outs like “food” and “shelter.”
Mitt Romney: Post-election. Chillin' like a villian
And finally,
5. Miley’ Cyrus’ dog Lila
Yesterday,
my heart was torn out of my chest when I saw “RIP Lila” trending on Twitter.
Frantically, I clicked on it thinking that perhaps Linsay Lohan had finally succumbed
to her hard-partying way. Tragically, I found it was much worse; Miley Cyrus’
dog died and her fans were showing their sympathy the best way they knew how…
by tweeting messages that Miley would never see.
Look at that dumb bitch! (I'm clearly referring to Miley. I would never use such an offensive term to talk about a dog)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m as “pro-dog” as anyone. I cried when
the dog died in Where the Red Fern Grows.
I cried when Marley died in Marley and Me.
I cry when Meredith and Derek put down Doc in Grey’s Anatomy. I refuse to watch Old Yeller because even thinking about a boy having to shoot his
dog makes me want to quit living.
BUT… On the same day Miley’s dog trended on twitter for over
3 hours, people were shot in Oregon. Children starved in Africa. I’m sure at least
one person was blown up in the Middle East. Basically, a lot of sh!t hit the
fan but the only thing that we recognize is the death of Miley’s dog. I mean,
COME ON PEOPLE. WTF happened to our priorities!?!
Well, that’s enough of a rant for one day. And if the world
doesn’t end next Friday, you can expect many more rants to come.
However, if it does end, just be glad you got the chance to
have me in your life. You’re welcome.
Even though there is basically a full month left of 2012, I
keep seeing BEST OF lists. I figured, why not jump on the bandwagon and
actually give people a BEST OF list they would actually like.
With no further ado, I present the DEFINITIVE KATIE BUHLER,
DON’T EVEN BOTHER WITH OTHER BEST OFS, BEST OF 2012 LIST
Best movie
Perks of Being a
Wallflower. Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, Paul Rudd, Nina Dobrev, Kate Walsh
and weird skinny kid who stole the show? What’s not to love. Saw the movie
twice and cried both times. That’s two more times than I cried in all of 2011.
Best terrible movie
Twilight. I know
I’ve talked a lot of sh!t about Twilight
but that’s only because I think it is a terrible plot that has been executed
terribly with terrible actors. Also, if you’re going to do vampires, don’t make
them f@cking sparkle. I saw the last Twilight
movie and I loved it. It was unintentionally the funniest movie I saw all year.
I’m not even trying to be pretentious here talking about it’s lack of merits as
a film. It literally is hilarious. I highly recommend watching. SPOILER ALERT:
there is a big scene at the end that I was smiling ear to ear about… until I
found out it was a “dream”
Not sure if this is Kristen Stewart in character or just every day...
Best television show
Parks and Recreation.
If you’re not watching this show, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. All I
should have to tell you is that Amy Poehler is in it but if that’s not enough
for you, check out this clip.
Best new television show
Scandal. A
powerful African American woman? Check. Seedy affairs at the White House? Check.
Ruthless chiefs of staff and first wives? Check. Assassination attempts? Check.
Voter fraud? Check. Best/most addictive show ever? Check.
Hint: this is the president. Hint: this is not the first lady
Best cliffhanger
The Vampire Diaries.
Yeah, I watch The Vampire Diaries. So
what? It’s awesome. It’s all the soapy teen-angst I loved about Dawson’s Creek with the added element of
multiple deaths per episode. It’s really the perfect situation for me. Plus,
the season ended with one of the main characters making a terrible mistake
(*cough* should’ve picked Damon *cough*) and then driving off a bridge only to
die before… wait for it… waking up as a vampire. Thank God. She was the like
the worst human ever.
I don't know why it's such a hard concept for her but she never wipes the blood off her face
Best worst cliffhanger
Grey’s Anatomy. As
a long time Grey’s fan, I’m used to
having that heartless show-runner Shonda Rhimes rip my heart out time after time but this
season she really hit below the belt by having the majority of the main
characters get into a plane wreck and then killing one of my all time favorites
(RIP Lexipedia). Plus, when the new season picked up she killed off another
person, made McDreamy lose his ability to use his hands, and then chopped off
Arizona’s leg. She is heartless. And I love it.
Me after watching the finale
Best book
Who am I kidding? I didn’t read any new book this year
except for 50 Shades of Grey and I’ll
be damned if I give that a “Best Book” nod.
Best worst book
50 Shades of Grey.
I’ve already gone into detail about why I think this book is trash (hint: it’s
not because of the steamy sex) Anastasia is the worst female “heroine” in the
last 50 years. She gets walked all over, lets herself get talked into
situations she is uncomfortable with, and thinks it’s acceptable to say things
like “why can’t I handle a little more pain for my man.” The moral of the story
is that she sucks.
Things like this should not exist
Best new Internet addiction
Suri's Burn Book. When my roommate showed this to me,
I spent the next 3 hours reading every post and laughing hysterically. Imagine
this, Suri Cruise, child of TomKat (RIP), writes a blog about the other
Hollywood children and just mercilessly blasts them for their fashion sense.
Take, for instance, yesterday’s post about news that the Beckham’s might be
moving back to England: “They
better do it fast before they have to buy two plane tickets for Harper’s
thighs.” Harper is the Beckham's year old daughter.
She
is also cruel to Violet and Seraphina Affleck: “Could someone please get
Seraphina Affleck a ponytail holder and some self-respect?”
And she completely writes off the Jolie-Pitt clan: “I’ve always suspected that dining
with the Jolie-Pitts would be a little like a prison riot, but I never imagined
it would be this bad. Meanwhile,
the Jolie-Pitt children have already gotten in their letters to Santa.
According to a postal worker in the English countryside, “It was so cute. All
the children sent messages to Father Christmas and were absolutely beautifully
behaved.” Either she just saw a pack
of dirty peasants and assumed they were the Jolie-Pitts, or these kids know how
to turn on the charm for Santa. Not that I don’t know a little bit about
modifying behavior in order to get presents, but … ugh, these kids are terrible
and I hope they have an awful Christmas.”
Basically, Suri’s Burn Book
is the greatest thing ever invented and I highly recommend you check it out.
Best food
Corn Nuggets. I really only included this category because I
recently had corn nuggets and they changed my life. Corn nuggets are just
frozen creamed corn that has been breaded and deep fried so the inside thaws.
Go find them somewhere. You won’t regret it (your waist-line might though)
Best drink
Mountain Dew. Duh.
Best comeback
President Obama. He was really the only logical choice after
he managed to get re-elected after not even showing up for the first debate. I
mean, I’m not convinced that wasn’t just an Obama cardboard cut out up there.
Good for him for turning it around. (And obviously when I say “turning it
around” I mean “rigging the election through backroom dealings and ballots that
had been tampered with”)
Best downward spiral
Angus T. Jones. I’ve never watched more than 10 minutes of Two and a Half Men because it is
basically the television version of Twilight
in terms of quality but I was forced to pay attention to this child actor with
this ridiculous name when he started running his mouth off. I respect that he’s now “found God” but it’s probably not the best idea to start bashing the place that
gives you money for being “filth” (seriously, he’s the highest paid child star on TV) Probably also not a good idea to tell people to stop watching it. But,
hey, that’s just my opinion. Can’t wait for his sex tape and drug arrests to
happen. Who’s ready for the male version of Linsay Lohan?!?
Best celebrity
Jennifer Lawrence. I’m going to be honest, I’ve never seen a
single movie that she’s been in but I have seen some of her interviews and she
is hilarious. I don't know if she's actually this "down to earth", but she does a
pretty convincing impression of it.
Best celebrity I want to run over
Justin Bieber. WHY IS HE STILL RELAVENT? It’s not like
anyone actually liked him for his talent because outside of hair flipping and
ridiculously predictable pop songs he has none. I have to assume we only wanted
him for a teen heartthrob but now that One Direction is here, we’ve got it
covered. There are 5 to choose from AND they are British. Justin Bieber, you
can go back to Canada now.
Best song
“Closer” by Tegan and Sara. Oh, surprise, surprise. I picked
a Tegan and Sara song. It’s well established that I love them and now they have
the best new pop song (move over Carly Rae). If you say you don’t like this
song, you’re either lying or living under the rock of hipster-dom where you can’t
like anything that sounds too “mainstream.” For the rest of you, enjoy pure
poppy goodness.
Best WTF IS THIS song
“Gangnam Style” by Psy. I’m sorry. I’ve watched the video
twice now and I still do not understand why it is the most watched video in
youtube history. Am I the only one who has noticed he’s not even singing in
English?!? That might be alright for all you multi-lingual types but I have no
idea what the hell he’s saying or what “gangnam style” even is. If someone
wants to explain it to me, great but until then… I’ll be listening to anything
BUT this.
I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to know that I’ve recently
rediscovered my love for Dawson’s Creek.
And yes, we all know I’ve been known to be sarcastic on occasion but… I am 100%
serious.
I. Love. Dawson’s
Creek.
For those of you who don’t know, Dawson’s Creek is about a neurotic, whinny teenager named Dawson
who literally ends the first episode talking about “walking his dog.” And yes,
that is the clumsy masturbation metaphor you thought it was.
Ugh. He's the worst
He has a best friend named Joey who everyone in town seems
to think is the most beautiful girl in the world but I can’t look at without
picturing a sad basset hound in even more sad 90’s clothing. And according to her daughter, her fashion sense has not changed.
Dawson has another best friend named Pacey who is the
stereotypical f-up. In the 6 seasons of the show he manages to hook up with his
high school teacher, drop out of high school, get punched in the face by
virtually every character on the show, and get locked inside of a K-mart
overnight. Basically he is awesome and I rooted for him from day one.
Last but not least is Jen. She’s the bad girl from New York
who gets sent to live with her grandmother to straighten herself out. But she
is, of course, the least troubled character on the show. Of course, at the end
of the series they haul off and kill Jen ruining any chance they had of a
semi-decent reunion.
I know it’s a little weird for me to say I love Dawson’s Creek when nothing I just said
about the characters was very complimentary but I do love the show. Minus Dawson.
He is the worst.
Haha just look at him.
There are love triangles, teenage drug overdoses at raves
(yeah, raves. Remember, this is the 90’s), random teenage stripper girls you
meet on a bus (I’m still a little confused on the Eve storyline so if anyone
knows…), teenage death by falling off piers, teens taking waltzing lessons,
teens drawing each other in the nude for art class, and so many other things
that totally happen in real life.
This is a normal high school art class, right?
Plus, the teen angst on this show puts the teen angst on
every other show both before and after to shame.
Dawson’s Creek
literally had it all.
And yes, I know this was a little light on content but it’s
pretty difficult to focus on writing a blog when I’m watching Dawson’s Creek. It’s just so good!
I understand your need to date. Even though you are
soul-less, greedy liberals, you need the love of another to validate your
self-worth. I also understand that being a celebrity leaves you very few ways
to meet people who either are not connected to the entertainment industry or
are not crazy stalkers.
But be advised: the minute you start dating another public
figure, your relationship is no longer your own. It belongs to all of us.
So you better not f@ck it up.
My rant is clearly brought on by the news that Justin Bieber
and Selena Gomez have broken up. Not that I was emotionally invested in their
relationship. In fact, I typically try to pretend Justin Bieber doesn’t exist
because the alternative is too depressing. Unfortunately, I seem to be in the
minority as Twitter lost its proverbial sh!t when news of the split broke. Not
only did “Justin and Selena” trend for longer than either “Obama” or “Romney”
on election night, “#staystrongjustin” was also trending.
I'm sorry but can we all admit that Justin Bieber looks more like a lesbian than Rachel Maddow?
Clearly the American public was hurt more than either Justin
or Selena and this is just the most recent example of our collective hearts
being broken by the implosion of a Hollywood Power Couple.
I’m not a Twilight fan but the world almost ended when we found out that Robert Pattinson and
Kristen Stewart broke up (although I like to think that was more out of fear
that either one of those people was back out on the dating market)
They--and their unwashed hair--are perfect together
I am personally still recovering from the news that Danny
DeVito and Rhea Perlman broke up. That marriage was Hollywood’s one constant.
Whenever we were saddened by the news that TomKat was no more or that Bennifer
had broken up, we could look to Danny and Rhea for hope and support. And now???
We are cast about like a rudderless ship on the ocean.
I think the root of America’s collective heartbreak stems
from the shocking break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. They were perfect
together. Absolutely perfect. And then that skank Angelina—well, that’s another story
for another day. Regardless, since then, we haven’t known where to turn. We are
afraid to invest in any relationship because we don’t know what’s true. All we know is that we never want to feel the way we did on that
cold, gray day in 2005.
After viewing that photo, take 5 minutes to sob alone before you continue on.
So here is my advice to you, celebrities of all shape, size,
color, or gender; don’t you DARE break our hearts again.
When you start dating someone new, think about the size of
the fan base behind both you and your new bf/gf. Every single person in that
fan base is now a part of your relationship. If you don’t think your
relationship is going anywhere, get out of it now before we all get emotionally
invested.
What starts as a single date for you, turns into a lifetime
of therapy for people naïve enough to think you were going to make it work.
I’m not going to say it is better to die alone than start and end a public relationship but… I’m not willing to
go through another Ryan Gosling-Rachel McAdams fiasco.
