Celebrity Couples (and how they effect me)

Dear Celebrities,

I’ve got a serious bone to pick with you.

I understand your need to date. Even though you are soul-less, greedy liberals, you need the love of another to validate your self-worth. I also understand that being a celebrity leaves you very few ways to meet people who either are not connected to the entertainment industry or are not crazy stalkers.

But be advised: the minute you start dating another public figure, your relationship is no longer your own. It belongs to all of us.

So you better not f@ck it up.

My rant is clearly brought on by the news that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up. Not that I was emotionally invested in their relationship. In fact, I typically try to pretend Justin Bieber doesn’t exist because the alternative is too depressing. Unfortunately, I seem to be in the minority as Twitter lost its proverbial sh!t when news of the split broke. Not only did “Justin and Selena” trend for longer than either “Obama” or “Romney” on election night, “#staystrongjustin” was also trending.

I'm sorry but can we all admit that Justin Bieber looks more like a lesbian than Rachel Maddow?

Clearly the American public was hurt more than either Justin or Selena and this is just the most recent example of our collective hearts being broken by the implosion of a Hollywood Power Couple.

I’m not a Twilight fan but the world almost ended when we found out that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart broke up (although I like to think that was more out of fear that either one of those people was back out on the dating market)

They--and their unwashed hair--are perfect together

I am personally still recovering from the news that Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman broke up. That marriage was Hollywood’s one constant. Whenever we were saddened by the news that TomKat was no more or that Bennifer had broken up, we could look to Danny and Rhea for hope and support. And now??? We are cast about like a rudderless ship on the ocean.

I think the root of America’s collective heartbreak stems from the shocking break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. They were perfect together. Absolutely perfect. And then that skank Angelina—well, that’s another story for another day. Regardless, since then, we haven’t known where to turn. We are afraid to invest in any relationship because we don’t know what’s true. All we know is that we never want to feel the way we did on that cold, gray day in 2005.

After viewing that photo, take 5 minutes to sob alone before you continue on.

So here is my advice to you, celebrities of all shape, size, color, or gender; don’t you DARE break our hearts again.

When you start dating someone new, think about the size of the fan base behind both you and your new bf/gf. Every single person in that fan base is now a part of your relationship. If you don’t think your relationship is going anywhere, get out of it now before we all get emotionally invested.

What starts as a single date for you, turns into a lifetime of therapy for people naïve enough to think you were going to make it work.

I’m not going to say it is better to die alone than start and end a public relationship but… I’m not willing to go through another Ryan Gosling-Rachel McAdams fiasco.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON FROM THIS?

Keep us in mind or keep it in your pants.

Sincerely,

People Who Have No Firm Grasp on Reality