Well I know that last week I had an “Olympics Part 1” blog
implying that there would be a Part 2 this week. However, something much more
important has come up.
I, Katherine Anne Buhler, have started watching the Twilight
series.
And really the only words I can say are… holy. f@ck.
Rae and I decided to start watching all of the movies
because it is her last couple days in town. And nothing says “I’m gonna miss
you” quite like nasty pasty vampires and a human who is only able show emotion
through heavy panting and lip biting. We’ve so far watched the first two movies
and half of the third. I’m counting down the hours until we’re done.
I know after I read “50 Shades of Grey” I had a talk with
both Bella and Anastasia about what was wrong with them and I really don’t want
to rehash what I’ve already said but…
Come on! This is ridiculous.
I thought the first movie was bad in terms of Bella becoming
ridiculously over-attached to Edward but the second and third are even worse. I
mean, the message of these books seems to be telling girls, “if your boyfriend leaves you, you really have nothing to live for. Sit alone in your
room for months on end completely ignoring your friends because what do friends
matter when the guy you’ve been dating for a month is gone?”
Seriously, Bella is like the worst friend ever. The minute
she gets a boyfriend, she completely ditches them. When he leaves, she decides
to be friends with them again until… “Oh, wait. Edward’s back so… I guess I’ll
see you guys later.”
I can totally understand why this book is so popular with
young girls. It sends the exact message that all young girls need: you are
worthless without a man.
That’s not to say Edward is any better. I mean, he goes
around saying stuff like “you are my everything” and “I couldn’t live in this
world if you weren’t a part of it” and “you’re my own personal brand of
heroine.” I’ve never been one to make fun of a guy for being whipped because I think
it’s sweet when they like being with their girlfriend but… this is a little
much. I mean, he spends months watching her sleep, follows her around a town
while she’s shopping without her knowing because he feels “very protective” of
her, and then tries to kill himself when he thinks she’s dead. That doesn’t
exactly scream “happy, normal, well-adjusted, stable relationship.”
On top of these huge plot shortcomings, the acting is
absolutely terrible. I know I’ve already ripped into Kristen Stewart for her
inane notion that heavy breathing, lip biting, and brushing her hair back is a
legitimate means of conveying emotion but she’s not alone.
Robert Pattinson’s go to facial expression is a combination
of someone being stabbed repeatedly while also suffering from severe
constipation. On top of that, he has one of the worst American accents I’ve
ever heard. I can occasionally pick up hints of his British accent or he over
accentuates words and they come out sounding like he’s a cowboy. Long story
short, he should have stayed dead-Cedric in “Harry Potter”
Taylor Lautner isn’t much better. His acting choices involve
scrunching his face up to show he’s in pain… or thinking… or sad… or happy.
Considering the fact that his face is already scrunched up from the car
accident (or whatever unfortunate thing caused him to look like that), that’s
not saying much for his range.
I will, however, give credit where credit is due. The guy
who plays Charlie, Bella’s dad is pretty awesome. And he knows how to rock a mustache
with the best of them. Anna Kendrick and the other high school kids (aka the “friends”
Bella constantly ditches) are also pretty good. Although, maybe that’s just
because they don’t have adequate screen time to show how bad they are.
Honestly, the bulk of the movies are Edward and Bella (sometimes with Jacob)
staring longingly at each other.
Long story short, even though I wasted my time with these
movies, I wouldn’t recommend that you do the same.
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