Well, I’ve now read the first book in the Twilight series and the first in the Fifty Shades of Grey one. And my only
comment is: COME ON LADIES. PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND GET YOUR SHIT
TOGETHER.
I know Twilight is
supposed to be this epic love story and Fifty
Shades is supposed to be some erotic book but I could not get past how
absolutely stupid both the “heroines” are! (And the fact that the authors seem
stuck at a third-grade writing level. But that’s neither here nor there)
Stephanie Meyer working on her latest masterpiece
A basic rundown of the plot for those of you lucky enough to
be untainted by Twilight is that a
girl, Bella, moves to Washington state where she falls in love with a guy named
Edward. Problem: Edward’s a vampire and is really only into Bella because her
blood smells good. Bella thinks to herself “wow, he must really love me!” Uh…
no. He wants to eat you. As if that’s not bad enough, he comes into her room
every night while she’s sleeping and just watches her. And when she finds out she thinks it’s romantic! Also, he sparkles
in the sun which is just f-ing stupid.
It’s a little bit harder to describe 50 Shades of Grey because it is essentially just a paperback porno.
Basically the heroine, Anastasia, meets a young billionaire, Christian and
falls for him. (Pause here, wtf kind of name is “Anastasia?” Unless you are a
Russian princess that name is ridiculous) Anyway, things get weird when on their first date, he flies her in his
private helicopter to his apartment where he shows her his kinky S&M room.
Yeah, you read that right. He has a room just for S&M stuff. The rest of
the book is basically just them screwing. Seriously. There’s really not even a
plot. They just screw. Everywhere.
S&M’s not really my thing but, hey, you’re more than
welcome to do whatever you need to. It’s none of my business. My problem with
this book—and Twilight—is how stupid
both Anastasia and Bella are and I want to talk to them one-on-one.
Bella:
-Edward watching you sleep for months without your knowledge
is NOT “romantic.” It is creepy as hell and the fact that you are okay with it
makes me question your sanity.
-Why are you attracted to someone who sparkles in the sun?
Are you also sexually attracted to Lisa Frank unicorns? It’s the same thing.
"Look at how hot that unicorn is!"- said by no one, ever.
-He initially wants to get with you because your blood
smells good to him. That’s dangerous and not in the good
leather-jacket-motorcycle way. To put it into terms that you might understand…
that would be like you trying to date a pig because you like to eat ham. Do you
not understand how f-ed up that is?
-Like I said, I haven’t read or seen anything but the first
book but I’m given to understand that he leaves you to keep you safe… and you
go off the deep end and drive your motorcycle off a cliff. I just—I can’t—What—Can
you explain to me what the hell is wrong with you? It’s the 21st
century. You have the right to vote, play sports, earn the same amount as men,
and other things yet you, dumb bitch, base your entire self-worth off of a man.
Thank you for setting the Women’s Movement back 100 years.
They didn't have room to put "unless our boyfriend leaves us" on the poster
Anastasia
-Christian gives you a contract to sign that details what
you have to do to be his S&M submissive. Let me repeat: a contract. That should be your first
sign to get away.
-Things in the contract include some really, REALLY kinky
stuff. Like I said earlier, I’m not here to judge you but… you are freaked out
when you read the contract. CLEARLY you aren’t into it. Yet you still do it.
-The contract includes clauses that dictate how much sleep
you have to get a night, the fact that you have to work out 4 times a week with
a personal trainer of Christian’s
choice that will report back to Christian,
a list of foods that you are and are not allowed to eat, and the fact that you
can only wear clothes that Christian
buys for you. You jokingly call him a “control freak” but this shit’s not a
joke! I’m pretty sure slaves had more freedom than he’s giving you. But,
instead of a) telling him "this is cray!" and walking out the door or b) telling
him you refuse to do what he tells you… YOU
NEGOTIATE WITH HIM ON THE TERMS OF THE CONTRACT. If you don’t see what’s
wrong with that, I don’t think I can get through to you
-Christian buys you a car, a computer, a blackberry, and an
extensive wardrobe… in exchange for sex. That technically makes you a
prostitute. And you’re not even the Pretty
Woman “whore with a heart of gold,” you’re just clueless
She's laughing at your naiveté... and the fact your name is Anastasia
-Christian told you that has a file on you complete with
your birth certificate, social security card, and bank account number… and you
don’t bat an eye
-You finally break up with Christian after the sex gets too
kinky for you. Good for you. Oh wait. That’s not why you broke up with him? You
broke up with him because you didn’t think you were enough for him and he
deserves more? (stunned silence) You are hopeless.
Ok Bella and Anastasia, what did we learn from this?
Oh yeah, that you two are f@cking idiots.
Girls, we may not have dicks but we do have brains so would
you please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD use them?
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