Election 2012

Folks. Fellow Americans. I have something important to discuss with you all. As we all know (hopefully), November 6 is an important day for the future of our country. Not only are we voting on various important bills but we are electing a new president. I’m not here to tell you to vote for Obama or Romney.

Let’s face it; both of them suck.

Instead, I’m here to offer 5 people who I believe are better equipped to lead our country.

1. Jon Stewart

            This is the most obvious choice and if he were on the ballot, I would vote for him without a second thought. Not only is he funny and sexy, he’s a smart guy. Seriously, what kind of world are we living in when our comedians are the ones who speak the truth and our politicians are the ones being ridiculous. Plus, we already know that Jon Stewart looks mighty fine in red, white, and blue.

2. Dora the Explorer

            I know I had a go at Dora a year ago but I think she really has the skills to lead America in the direction it needs to go. I know a Dora the Explorer nomination faces a lot of problems what with her age (3), her insistence on having a monkey as her running mate, and her ambiguous birth place (is she an American citizen or not?) but I truly think she has the skills we need to turn America around. Have you ever watched her show? She really listens to the people and takes what they have to say into account. 

She always maps out her actions before she does anything and sticks to the plan without adding extra complications. 

Step by step plan to put America back together

She has never accepted the idea that there might not be an answer to her plans. She is always willing to work with others to accomplish her goals.

Talk about reaching across the aisle; Dora is reaching across the barnyard

 She never lets Swiper (aka lobbyists/special interest groups) distract her or get what isn’t his. Dora Para el Pueblo!!!

3. Michael Scott

            Granted, Michael Scott was not necessarily qualified to even handle an office the size of Dunder Mifflin Scranton but he would be the perfect leader for America. Let’s face it, we’re already in as much trouble economically as we could ever be and have tons of overseas problems. Why not have a president who is only concerned with making sure everyone likes him and everyone in the country has a good time? He’s not superstitious.

 He takes personal interest in everyone to the point he will arrange a 5k fun run for a disease that has been largely eradicated in the United States.

And he's not afraid to say what's on his mind.

4. Ted Mosby

            I don’t actually watch How I Met Your Mother unless there is literally nothing else on TV. From my limited knowledge of Ted, however, I think he already has the makings of a great politician. For one, his show has been on for about 50 years and he STILL hasn’t told us who his wife is. That is fancy footwork dancing around the issues, which is EXACTLY what a politician has to be able to do. He talks and talks and talks but never says anything of substance. If that doesn’t sound like every politician on Capitol Hill now, I don’t know what does. Plus, he has a really good narrating voice that would at least insure that the State of the Unions are fun to listen to.

 Clearly he's already got his sex scandal all set up

5. Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne

            Now, I don’t believe that these two would actually make good leaders. And they are both Canadian meaning it isn’t even legal for them to run. However, we have to take whatever steps necessary to keep them from making any more music. I will admit that I liked Avril Lavigne’s second album. I’m not ashamed. But everything since then has sucked. And don’t get me started on Nickelback. They literally make me despair in the fate of humanity. 

And now that they are together, I’ve heard rumors they are going to be releasing music together. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. Fellow Americans, if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. We must stand together now to stop Chavril from being released on the world.

I’m sure none of these people will actually get elected but… I can always hope.

Regardless of my wishes in president, you need to register to vote (if you’re not already, RAEANN I’M TALKING TO YOU) and get out to the polls.

And for an added bonus, check out this hilarious tumblr animating the tweets comedian Rob Delaney sends to Mitt Romney on a regular basis. Regardless of your politics, these tweets are hilarious.

 Mitt and Rob Tumblr