Top 5 Ways to Piss KB Off: Driving Edition

Living in Buffalo has given me a lot of time to drive. And the roads I’m driving aren’t winding with lots of things to see. They are the kind of roads that go on and on and on and on and on and on in a flat line for forever. 

This means it’s really easy to get distracted or drift off. Maybe that’s why everyone I’m sharing the road with seems to be terrible drivers.

Anyway, here is KB’s Top 5 Ways to Piss Me Off: Driving Edition

5. Passing in dangerous areas

            Hey dumbass! Yes, you. Do you see those yellow lines on the ground? When they are all solid, it means you cannot pass! Do you also see how these solid yellow lines occur when visibility may not be the best? Like going around a sharp corner or going up a hill? That’s not a coincidence. It’s f@cking common sense. I know that you are probably in a huge hurry what with the Asshole Convention in town and all but maybe you could slow down behind me just long enough to see if there is someone coming at us in the lane you will currently be using to blow by me (even though I’m already going 4 mph over the speed limit). I would like to make it to my destination in one place and I’m sure it would be a huge loss to the world if you got killed before you could deliver your keynote address at the Asshole Convention.

4. Weaving

            Hey dumbass! Yes, you. Do you remember how we just talked about the yellow lines and what they mean for passing? Well they also divide the road into sections: my half and your half. If we both stay in our halves when we drive, both of us will be safe and I won’t have to flip you off and/or honk at you and/or scream until I’m hoarse. The lanes are pretty big so you shouldn’t have any problem staying in your side but for God’s sake, keep your drivers side tires out of my lane and your passenger side tires out of the shoulder. I know when we were all kids we thought we had to constantly turn the wheel but now that you’re old enough to drive, you should know that it is possible to stay in a straight line, in fact, it’s desirable that you do so.

 This sign means "DON'T F@CKING DRIVE LIKE THIS"

3. Pulling out in front of me (only to slow down)

            I get it; we’ve all got places to go. You probably don’t want to wait until I’m past the intersection you’re waiting at before turning. I’m reasonable, I’ll make a deal with you. If you turn in front of me and speed up to the point where I don’t have to slow down, I will let you live. However, if you turn in front of me to slowly work your way up to the speed limit over a 5 minute time span… well, I think Liam Neeson said it best:

2. Being a teenager

            I know this one doesn’t really have to do with driving and isn’t fair because I know many teenagers who aren’t like this but… If you are under the age of 18 and I see you driving, I will immediately get angry. For one thing, I assume you don’t know what you are doing. For another, I assume you are drunk and/or high and/or texting and/or stupid. I also assume you are listening to some sort of music that I hate at a volume that would make me go deaf. I can’t really explain this one but you make me angry.

1. Not using cruise control

            If you are driving anywhere in the Midwest that is more than 2 miles out of a town larger than 1,000 people, you need to use cruise control or else have that rare gift of being able to drive the exact same speed for an extended period of time. I assume you don’t have that skill so let’s stick with cruise control. I know you don’t get as good mileage with it but if you use it, I won’t have to kill you. So what do you value more? Your life or a couple dollars saved on gas? Let’s face it, there is really nothing worse than going a steady 68 mph on a highway only to be passed by a car going 90 only to pass that same car now going 45 only to be passed again going 70 only to pass them again going 55 only to… well, you get the point. If you are this person well, I hope you know that me and 95% of the population hate you.

The sequel will be staring me 

There are obviously other things to keep in mind while driving but if you don’t want to piss me off, these are the major things to focus on. Although, if you really don’t want to piss me off, you could just stay off the road altogether and let me do as I please.

This is what I want to do