Horror Movies? More Like Bore-or Movies

I make a point of never watching scary movies.

I could say it’s because they are formulaic and therefore, unsurprising.

I could say the acting in these movies is subpar.

I could say the plots are basically whipped up just so they can fit in a few crazy/disgusting deaths and it leaves me disappointed.

But in all honesty, I am a huge chicken who hates being scared.

Seriously, I always fall asleep facing the door of wherever I’m sleeping because if I’m going to be murdered in my sleep, I’d rather I can see the person than be grabbed unaware. Whenever I hear the slightest creak of floorboards of a house, I’m convinced it is someone there to kill or abduct me (I can’t decide which would be worse). I think about how far I am from the nearest neighbors to determine whether my cries for help will be heard (assuming my neighbors haven’t already been murdered). I refuse to look out of windows in the dark because I have seen one too many people be surprised by something popping up. And if you expect me to go anywhere at night, I will only walk in well lit areas and check the backseat of my car before I get in. Basic survival skills.

This is me, whenever I hear a sound

This brings me back to the point about horror movies: I don’t understand the point of them and would much rather laugh than pee myself while screaming. But hey, that’s just me.

I do have a few observations which many people have made before me and many will make after me. Why are people in horror movies soooooo stupid? It’s frankly an insult to our intelligence that we let Hollywood continue to push the same formula down our throats and we still flock to see these movies.

You think after all this time, we would no longer be scared seeing these people make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and would just be annoyed with their stupidity.

For instance:

“Hey girl! You are alone in the house, the phone is no longer working, you keep seeing movement out of the corner of your eyes meaning someone is in the house trying to kill you. How about you, oh, I don’t know… GO OUTSIDE and run away? Oh, you don’t want to do that? You’d rather run upstairs. Yeah that’s a good idea. Because there are a lot of ways to escape from the upper stories of a house and nothing can follow you up there. Frankly, you deserve to die.”

 Foolproof plan!

Or

“Look, it’s a young group of friends who are lost in the middle of nowhere. Looks like you guys got lucky because there is a broken down house right by the road with some satanic symbols and something that looks suspiciously like bloodstains all over it. Maybe you guys should all go inside the building and then split up once you get in there because nothing says ‘abandon the buddy system’ quite like being lost in a haunted house. Have fun stumbling upon your best friends mutilated body before being killed by that weird shadow figure standing right behind you.”

 Let's split up and I'll meet you back here in 2 hours! Unless one of us is murdered first. Haha like that'll happen

Or

“You’re a young man who is traveling alone when your car breaks down in a creepy town who’s name ends in ‘ville.’ You’re probably safe to stop in that sketchy bar with crazy locals. And I bet you can totally get lucky with that hot bartender who seems to be the only sane one there. Not like she’s going to murder you in the middle of sex. Coitus Interruptus.”

 You really thought Megan Fox wanting to be with you wouldn't have a catch?

Or

“You’re driving in the middle of the night through a place that happens to be foggy and have a weird greenish hue? It’s so nice that you stopped to pick up that hitchhiker whose face is mainly covered with a creepy hat and who’s carrying a weird bag that looks like it’s made out of a weird kind of leather. I’m sure you’ll be fine, that is, as long as your definition of ‘fine’ includes ‘being murdered, gutted, and eaten, before having your skin made into that guy’s trench coat.’”

Seems legit 

Or

“What an adorable little kid! You and your husband/wife should totally adopt it. Also, disregard all the weird things that happen around the kid and their weird stories you’ve heard about it. I’m sure all it needs is a little unconditional love. Oh, and don’t worry, it’s completely normal for them to stand over your bed and watch you sleep with crazy red eyes or contort their body in seemingly physically impossible ways.”

 This kid is evil? I had NO idea!!!

Seriously, people that make horror movies, please come up with something new. I mean, I guess it doesn’t really matter because I’m sure as hell not going to watch your movie either way but maybe your fans would appreciate something a little less predictable.