The Truth Behind El Excellente “Dora the Explorer”

This past Sunday, I spent an hour watching Nickelodeon’s Dora the Explorer. And what an hour it was.

My roommate and I watched “Dora’s Enchanted Forest” which is a misleading title because it isn’t actually “Dora’s” forest. More accurately, it’s King Unicornio’s, a unicorn (10 pts for Nick for originality). Actually, if you really want to get into specifics, the forest belongs to everyone. At least, that’s what they sing in the song at the end. But leave it to that little bitch Dora to take ownership.

It's all MIIINNNNEEE

And Dora. Can I just talk to you for a moment?

You are so f@cking needy.

First, you leave home. Your parents are probably frantically waiting by the phone for you to call. They’ve got an Amber Alert out and neighborhood search parties formed and here you are, running around God-knows-where with a monkey. Normally, I’d be ok with you doing all of this by yourself but what really pisses me off is you can’t go more than three seconds without asking me a question.

First I have to get your map out and memorize the route and repeat it to you because apparently you can’t read a map yourself. (Maybe it’s just me but if I identified myself as an “Explorer,” I’d probably have basic navigation skills like map reading)

 Damn it, Dora. Do it yourself.

After I get your map and repeat the instructions to you, we get to a fork in the road. In the distance down one path is the cornfield we are supposed to go through and on the other path is some sketchy-ass windmill aka something that isn’t on our map. At every single fork in the road Dora stops, looks at me, and asks where we’re supposed to go.

I DON’T KNOW, BITCH. MAYBE TO THE CORNFIELD LIKE I TOLD YOU 3 SECONDS AGO.

What’s worse, after I tell her this, she just blankly stares at me for about 10 seconds before saying, “That’s right! Which path should I use to get there?”

I DON’T KNOW, BITCH. USE YOUR EYES. I CAN SEE IT FROM HERE.

Again, she stares at me for 10 seconds before saying, “That’s right! Let’s go!”

 "Which way do I go to get to that tree that I can see from here and is on this path?"

As we walk down the right path (finally) Owl, the villain, inevitably does something to stop us. Owl’s a huge asshole.

Eventually, we get to a bridge over mud that is approximately 3 inches deep. Owl has his minions remove two screws from the top of the bridge and it tumbles into the mud.

Two screws and the whole thing tumbles in? That does not seem structurally sound.

 This isn't the bridge from the Dora I watched but apparently shoddy construction is typical in Dora's travels

So what does Dora do? Does she get down and walk in the mud for 15 ft and get her shoes muddy? No way!

She spots some elves doing work on the other side of the mud and imperiously order ME to yell to them to come help us. Why can’t she do it herself? She clearly has no problem bossing me around.

This is the face of a modern day slave 

Anyway, the elves come, she explains her dilemma and the elves get down in the mud (which, as I previously stated, is about 3 inches deep) and REBUILD THE MOTHER F@CKING BRIDGE FOR HER!

Also, I would like to pause here and note that the elves

1) build the bridge from the top down which is completely impossible and against the laws of physics so I have to question this show’s status as “educational”
2) one of the elves happens to be carrying around two small screws which he uses to screw the bridge back together. Two tiny screws? NOT OK

3) the elves have screws but no screwdriver (wtf kind of logic is that) but Dora, luckily, remembers she has one in her back pack.

So what does she do? MAKES ME GET HER F@CKING BACKPACK OUT AND LOOK FOR IT!

 Most frightening backpack I've ever seen

So I open up this little shanty’s (new word meaning “stupid bitch”) backpack and what do I find?

The contents of her father’s tool box apparently. We’ve got a wrench, pliers, a screw driver, a hammer, and a saw.

A SAW

Let’s review. A three year old child has run away from home to go to the Enchanted Forest to help King Unicornio reclaim his throne and what does she pack in her backpack? A SAW. No water, no food, no money or way to contact home. Just A SAW.

There is so much more to go into here but for now, this is going to have to suffice. I have to go now because my shanty friend Dora is making me do her laundry and give Boots (her rabid and possibly mangy monkey) a bath.

 Children, if a monkey approaches you with a yellow tail and underbelly, run away. It's got mange.

Adios Amigos