Kids Say the Darndest Things Part 2

Last night was the last night I will be working at the Pierre City Pool and like I promised, here is the list of “Kids Say the Darndest Things” for the second half of the summer. Enjoy.

What’s Wrong With America

Katie: What’s your favorite sport?

Carson: I like watching TV.

Anatomy Lessons

(Brian climbs out of the pool holding his arm)
Katie: What’s wrong?

Brian: My leg hurts.

Katie: That’s your arm.

Brian: Oh (goes back to playing like it’s no big thing)

Too Much Excitement

(Brian again climbs out of the pool)

Katie: Brian, what’s wrong?

Brian: My stomach hurts.

Katie: Why does your stomach hurt?

Brian: I just had too crazy a day.

Smart Kid

(My uncle tried the “What time do you go to the dentist?” “At tooth-hutry” joke to his nephew)

Don: What time should you go to the dentist?

Landon: Every 6 months.

Weighty Decisions

(Joking with a kid about two obese kids)

Katie: If you had to date one of them, which one would you date?

Girl: (doesn’t even look at them) The skinnier one.

Lifetime Ambitions

Raeann: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Kid: A butterfly

More Lifetime Ambitions

Katie: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Maggie: A horse.

Katie: (laughing) A horse? Like a horse rider?

Maggie: A horse.

Ordering Food is Difficult

Kid: Can I get Zebra Cakes?

Katie: You only have 25 cents. You can only get something for a quarter.

Kid: Can I get 2 Jolly Rancher sticks?

Katie: You can only get one. Do you want a green or a red?

Kid: Can I get blue?

More Anatomy

Emma: (attempting to teach the arms to American Crawl) Paddie, can you show my your big arms?

Paddie: (looks at both arms and measuring them) Well, I think this one is the bigger one.

One Little Boy, A Lot of Problems

(hanging on the wall working his way deeper)

Katie: You need to stay where you can touch.

Kid: I can touch over there on the wall. Like I push off with my feet.

Katie: That doesn’t count. You need to be able to swim by yourself.

Kid: I can swim. I swim on the wall.

Katie: That doesn’t count. You need to go back to where you can touch.

Kid: Oh man. I really want to go on the floaty. Why can’t you move it to the little part?

Katie: It’s too shallow there. If someone fell off they would hit their head.

Kid: But what about here? (points at three feet deep section)

Katie: Still too shallow.

Kid: Here? (moves hand to a spot two inches further on the wall)

Katie: No.

Kid: Here? (moves hand to a spot two inches further on the wall)

Katie: No.

Kid: Here? (moves hand to a spot two inches further on the wall)

Katie: No.

Kid: Here? (moves hand to a spot two inches further on the wall)

Katie: No.

Same Kid, 20 Minutes Later

Kid: So all of this food costs?

Katie: Yep. You have to pay to get the snacks.

Kid: But like, not for all of it.

Katie: Yep, all of the food costs money.

Kid: But why?

Katie: Because we pay for it so we need to sell it too.

Kid: But not all of it. Like you could give some away. Like lemonheads.

Katie: Nope. We can’t give any of it away.

Kid: I’m going to ask my Mom for money tomorrow.

Katie: That’s a good idea.

Kid: How much is it?

Katie: 25 cents or one quarter.

Kid: Ok. (Pause) Can I give you something else for it?

Katie: What do you mean?

Kid: Like can I give you one of those things? (makes a rectangle with his hands)

Katie: No, you have to give us money.

Kid: I know. Like it’s a block and it’s paper. (makes another rectangle with his hands)

Katie: What?

Kid: You know, like a block (makes another rectangle with his hands) and it’s green.

Katie: Do you mean a dollar?

Kid: Yeah!!!! Can I give you one of those?

Katie: Yes we take dollars.

Kid: Good. Tonight I’ll sneak some out of my bag because my family gave me a lot of blocks for my birthday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, are some of the best kids’ quotes I’ve heard in a while.

Twilight! Twi-not?

Well I know that last week I had an “Olympics Part 1” blog implying that there would be a Part 2 this week. However, something much more important has come up.

I, Katherine Anne Buhler, have started watching the Twilight series.

And really the only words I can say are… holy. f@ck.

Rae and I decided to start watching all of the movies because it is her last couple days in town. And nothing says “I’m gonna miss you” quite like nasty pasty vampires and a human who is only able show emotion through heavy panting and lip biting. We’ve so far watched the first two movies and half of the third. I’m counting down the hours until we’re done.

I know after I read “50 Shades of Grey” I had a talk with both Bella and Anastasia about what was wrong with them and I really don’t want to rehash what I’ve already said but…

Come on! This is ridiculous.

I thought the first movie was bad in terms of Bella becoming ridiculously over-attached to Edward but the second and third are even worse. I mean, the message of these books seems to be telling girls, “if your boyfriend leaves you, you really have nothing to live for. Sit alone in your room for months on end completely ignoring your friends because what do friends matter when the guy you’ve been dating for a month is gone?”

Without Edward, I have no reason to live... 

Seriously, Bella is like the worst friend ever. The minute she gets a boyfriend, she completely ditches them. When he leaves, she decides to be friends with them again until… “Oh, wait. Edward’s back so… I guess I’ll see you guys later.”

I can totally understand why this book is so popular with young girls. It sends the exact message that all young girls need: you are worthless without a man.

That’s not to say Edward is any better. I mean, he goes around saying stuff like “you are my everything” and “I couldn’t live in this world if you weren’t a part of it” and “you’re my own personal brand of heroine.” I’ve never been one to make fun of a guy for being whipped because I think it’s sweet when they like being with their girlfriend but… this is a little much. I mean, he spends months watching her sleep, follows her around a town while she’s shopping without her knowing because he feels “very protective” of her, and then tries to kill himself when he thinks she’s dead. That doesn’t exactly scream “happy, normal, well-adjusted, stable relationship.”

Well, Bella's dead so... I guess I'll die too. I mean, whatever

On top of these huge plot shortcomings, the acting is absolutely terrible. I know I’ve already ripped into Kristen Stewart for her inane notion that heavy breathing, lip biting, and brushing her hair back is a legitimate means of conveying emotion but she’s not alone.

 This is her happy face

Robert Pattinson’s go to facial expression is a combination of someone being stabbed repeatedly while also suffering from severe constipation. On top of that, he has one of the worst American accents I’ve ever heard. I can occasionally pick up hints of his British accent or he over accentuates words and they come out sounding like he’s a cowboy. Long story short, he should have stayed dead-Cedric in “Harry Potter”

This is also his happy face 

Taylor Lautner isn’t much better. His acting choices involve scrunching his face up to show he’s in pain… or thinking… or sad… or happy. Considering the fact that his face is already scrunched up from the car accident (or whatever unfortunate thing caused him to look like that), that’s not saying much for his range.

 What emotion is he trying to convey? Even he's not sure.

I will, however, give credit where credit is due. The guy who plays Charlie, Bella’s dad is pretty awesome. And he knows how to rock a mustache with the best of them. Anna Kendrick and the other high school kids (aka the “friends” Bella constantly ditches) are also pretty good. Although, maybe that’s just because they don’t have adequate screen time to show how bad they are. Honestly, the bulk of the movies are Edward and Bella (sometimes with Jacob) staring longingly at each other.

Long story short, even though I wasted my time with these movies, I wouldn’t recommend that you do the same.

Olympic Wrap-Up Part 1

Well, if you were living under a rock for the past week and a half, you may have missed the London Olympics. And that sucks because they were pretty f-ing awesome this year.

So, I’ve decided to recap it here for you wankers who didn’t watch it, those of you who already forgot, or those of you who just want that great KB Thinks For You take on things.

Opening Ceremony

Long story short… it was potentially the longest thing I’ve ever sat through in my life. It started with some androgynous kid singing and Kenneth Branagh dressed like Abraham Lincoln (I think?) quoting Shakespeare. Next thing I know there are workmen forging things out of metal and doing weird little dance moves. When that was over, a sh!t ton of kids and doctors came out, did a nifty dance routine, and settled down just in time for Lord Voldemort to have a battle with 5,000 people dressed like Mary Poppins. Ok, I get that good has to conquer evil but I think we all know that if Voldemort took on Mary Poppins, she’d need a lot more than a “spoon-full of sugar” to survive. After that, the athletes paraded out for approximately 15 hours (I’m seriously convinced that some countries sent their entire populations and were just like “go do whatever events you feel like”) Sir Paul ended the evening with a 15 hour performance of “Hey Jude!” In case you ever wondered how many “na na na na-na-na na, na-na-na na, na-na-na na”s are too many, just watch this performance and you’ll see. Even the Queen looked bored.

This is seriously a picture of the Queen during the Opening Ceremony

Swimming

As usual, swimming was one of the most popular sports for Americans; both because we always do so well in them and because there is some serious eye candy on the team.

I'll be honest, I really don't even look at their faces

This was supposed to be Ryan Lochte’s Olympics, at least according to him. Instead, he managed to get one individual gold and another gold in douchebaggery. There are quite a few reasons for this but this says it better than I could. Let me just say: custom made grills. Bleh

Really?

Michael Phelps went out with a splash (pun completely intended). He now has one Olympic medal for every year I am old which, of course, makes me feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. And because it was his last Olympics and certain other people made us want to root against them, we got to sit back and enjoy him doing what he does best (besides taking massive rips off of bongs, that is)

Not even half of his medals...

Missy Franklin

If there is one person in these Olympics who you look at and say “Oh, he/she is adorable” it is Missy Franklin. 17 years old with 5 medals, 4 of which are gold and she is still impossible to hate (trust me, I’ve tried. I typically hate overachievers like that) Seriously, just watch her in this video.

She's like what would happen if My Little Pony and the Carebears had a kid

Gymnastics

I will be the first to say everything I know about gymnastics I learned from Stick It but every American was united in our fury that one of OUR gymnastics got screwed over. In case you missed it, Jordan Wieber is the 2011 All-Around World Champion. At the qualifying round in the Olympics, she had the fourth highest score. Great, right? WRONG. Even though she was the fourth best in the world, she didn’t get to move on to the All-Around competition because 2 of the 3 people ahead of her were her own teammates and each country can only have 2 competitors. So basically, she got screwed over because our team was TOO good. Last I checked, the Olympics were about the best in the world getting to show how good they were, not a chance for some amateur from Something-stan to do a couple of somersaults and a cartwheel while the best in the world is left out. Hey International Olympic Committee: pull your head out of your ass. Whatever, they still won gold in the team finals so THERE.

Start the video at about 28 seconds

Surprisingly, the IOC wasn’t done screwing us over yet! During the women’s all-around final, little Gaby Douglas won gold (yay!) and Aly Raisman tied some Russian betch for bronze! I mean, their scores were identical but instead of calling it a tie (like every other sport EVER), they did a little fancy math and removed the lowest score from the two bronze medalists and readded and LOOK AT THAT! the Russian girl walks away with the medal and Aly Raisman goes home empty handed. Maybe next Olympics they can change the name from “All-Around” to “Almost-All-Around-Unless-We-Feel-Like-Making-Up-Rules-As-We-Go-Along-Again”

NBC

The NBC network caught a lot of flack for spoiling the results of the races before actually showing them but I’m not too mad about that. I mean, if you had a computer, a phone, or a friend with a phone or a computer, you knew the results the minute they happened so quit bitching. My problem with NBC is their insistence in showing hours and hours of sports that not only do I not care about but didn’t even know were Olympic sports!

THIS is an Olympic sport (albeit, at a slightly higher level)

I set my DVR to record the Olympics and when I sat down to watch the first day, I was pumped. Little did I know, I had about 300 hours of CYCLING DVRed. They showed the entirety of both the Men’s and Women’s road race, time trials, and that weird indoor biking on the tiny track. That’s a lot of biking to watch. Especially considering it is as exciting as watching paint dry. I don’t care if it’s a professional biker going 30 mph or a 10-year-old shithead riding their bike to the pool, I’m still not interested.

NBC also decided it was essential to show a million hours of equestrian events. Not that that stuff isn’t interesting but… it’s not interesting. Also, I’m confused, do the horses get the medal or the riders? Because it sure seems to me that the people on the horse don’t really do much. Sure, they steer the horse but they don’t make those jumps. From now on, NBC, you are only allowed to show me equestrian events if it’s a person wearing a bridle and a saddle attempting all of those things.

Make him jump over a hedge like this and I will TOTALLY watch it next Olympics

Well, this has gone on plenty long enough. I’ll have to finish my Olympic wrap up another day. Right now, I’ve got about 300 hours of cycling to get back. I think one person pedaling a bike is going to ride next to another person pedaling a bike! This is the excitement I live for.

Olympics

Geez, guys. Quit being so obsessed with me.

As I said on Monday, I'm too busy watching the Olympics (even the millions of hours of cycling and kayaking) to write a blog this week.

If you are desperate for a KB fix, check out this blog from a couple of months ago about sports. Then come back next week for my comprehensive overview of 30th Olympiad (or whatever the f the call it when they are trying to sound fancy)