Let's Talk Sports

I watch basketball like it’s my job. I’d sell my soul for tickets for the Boston Celtics in the playoffs (but let’s be real, I don’t think my soul would fetch that much. Damaged goods).

Also, just an FYI but Rajon Rondo and I are going to be married and will have athletic and academically gifted mocha babies.

Clearly he's down 

But I’m going to be completely honest, there are a bunch of sports that make zero sense to me. And considering the fact that they only seem to show up every four years at the Olympics, I’m not even convinced they’re real.

I mean, think about bobsledding. How do you discover you’re good at bobsledding? Can you go to college for it? How do they decide where you fit on the bobsled? Can you be a pro-bobsledder? How do you bobsled during the summer? Can you be scouted for bobsledding? Do you make enough money bobsledding to have that as your only job or do you also work as a plumber or an Abercrombie model? Is the word bobsled starting to sound weird to anyone else?

And what’s the deal with curling? First of all, I take issue with that name on the grounds that it is utterly ridiculous. Secondly, if you were trying to explain curling to someone who’d never heard of it, they would think you made it up. “Uh yeah you stand on ice and one of you takes like this rock/boulder/ball thing and you just sort of shove it on the ice and then the other people on your team use brooms and like smooth the ice and steer the thing and you try to knock the other team’s boulder out of the way.”

It sounds like someone made it up when they were drunk (Note to self: see about inventing a new Olympic sport next time drunk)

 We had a couple shots of tequila and then...

Maybe sports like that make more sense to British people. They play curling, right? (Note to self: figure out whether you “play curling” or “curl” or something else) They also play polo and cricket and croquet. I’m going to be honest, I really don’t understand the rules of any of these games but I think one (or all) of them involves something called a “wicket.”

When you Google "Wicket," this is the first thing that comes up... 

I know polo involves a horse but I think that riding horses around (and potentially into) other players while carrying a stick seems a little dangerous and I can’t imagine the horse being a fan.

They don't know what's going on either

I know that cricket is like baseball but instead of bases you run between sticks an indefinite amount of times and there is a lot of shouting and sexual tension (at least according to The Wedding Date)

Mrs. Messing, are you trying to seduce me?

I know that croquet involves hitting balls with a mallet around a well-manicured English lawn while your chaperone holds your parasol and your gentleman caller pays you compliments Please note: I’m assuming no one has played croquet in earnest since Oscar Wilde’s day. (See what I did there?)

 My dear, wait until we're married and I'll show you my mallet (That's what she said)

When it comes to more Americanized sports, there are still some that I just don’t understand. Take bowling for instance. Maybe I don’t get it but why is it such a big deal for a professional bowler to get a 300? I mean, if I can scrape up a 160 the one time a year I go bowling without knowing how to do that little ball-spinny move, why can’t they get it perfect every time? I also take issue with bowling shirts. I understand why other sports need uniforms but is your bowling really going to be effected if you wear a t-shirt instead of a bowling shirt? Seriously. Bowling shirts never looked good on anyone. Ever. (Except maybe Pacey Witter #dawsonscreek)

 Pacey Witter: Forever in our hearts

I’m also confused about the fact that golfing is a legitimate sport that requires skill but its younger sister, Mini-golf, has been tragically overlooked. Don’t try to tell me it doesn’t take skill. Clearly you’ve never tried to get a ball around the rocks at Pirates’ Cove.

 I'm going to need a nine iron...

I don’t know, guys. Maybe I’m just cut out to be a one-sport kind of girl. Plus, I’m not sure Rondo would want our children playing sports like polo. Might hurt his rep on the street. As it is, I think I’ll just stick to the Boston Celtics and hope they can win banner #18 this year. And if that fails, let’s just hope Miami Heat chokes in the finals again because I love LeBron James jokes and I’d like to have a yearly photo of a komodo dragon Chris Bosh crying.