Olympic Wrap-Up Part 1

Well, if you were living under a rock for the past week and a half, you may have missed the London Olympics. And that sucks because they were pretty f-ing awesome this year.

So, I’ve decided to recap it here for you wankers who didn’t watch it, those of you who already forgot, or those of you who just want that great KB Thinks For You take on things.

Opening Ceremony

Long story short… it was potentially the longest thing I’ve ever sat through in my life. It started with some androgynous kid singing and Kenneth Branagh dressed like Abraham Lincoln (I think?) quoting Shakespeare. Next thing I know there are workmen forging things out of metal and doing weird little dance moves. When that was over, a sh!t ton of kids and doctors came out, did a nifty dance routine, and settled down just in time for Lord Voldemort to have a battle with 5,000 people dressed like Mary Poppins. Ok, I get that good has to conquer evil but I think we all know that if Voldemort took on Mary Poppins, she’d need a lot more than a “spoon-full of sugar” to survive. After that, the athletes paraded out for approximately 15 hours (I’m seriously convinced that some countries sent their entire populations and were just like “go do whatever events you feel like”) Sir Paul ended the evening with a 15 hour performance of “Hey Jude!” In case you ever wondered how many “na na na na-na-na na, na-na-na na, na-na-na na”s are too many, just watch this performance and you’ll see. Even the Queen looked bored.

This is seriously a picture of the Queen during the Opening Ceremony

Swimming

As usual, swimming was one of the most popular sports for Americans; both because we always do so well in them and because there is some serious eye candy on the team.

I'll be honest, I really don't even look at their faces

This was supposed to be Ryan Lochte’s Olympics, at least according to him. Instead, he managed to get one individual gold and another gold in douchebaggery. There are quite a few reasons for this but this says it better than I could. Let me just say: custom made grills. Bleh

Really?

Michael Phelps went out with a splash (pun completely intended). He now has one Olympic medal for every year I am old which, of course, makes me feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. And because it was his last Olympics and certain other people made us want to root against them, we got to sit back and enjoy him doing what he does best (besides taking massive rips off of bongs, that is)

Not even half of his medals...

Missy Franklin

If there is one person in these Olympics who you look at and say “Oh, he/she is adorable” it is Missy Franklin. 17 years old with 5 medals, 4 of which are gold and she is still impossible to hate (trust me, I’ve tried. I typically hate overachievers like that) Seriously, just watch her in this video.

She's like what would happen if My Little Pony and the Carebears had a kid

Gymnastics

I will be the first to say everything I know about gymnastics I learned from Stick It but every American was united in our fury that one of OUR gymnastics got screwed over. In case you missed it, Jordan Wieber is the 2011 All-Around World Champion. At the qualifying round in the Olympics, she had the fourth highest score. Great, right? WRONG. Even though she was the fourth best in the world, she didn’t get to move on to the All-Around competition because 2 of the 3 people ahead of her were her own teammates and each country can only have 2 competitors. So basically, she got screwed over because our team was TOO good. Last I checked, the Olympics were about the best in the world getting to show how good they were, not a chance for some amateur from Something-stan to do a couple of somersaults and a cartwheel while the best in the world is left out. Hey International Olympic Committee: pull your head out of your ass. Whatever, they still won gold in the team finals so THERE.

Start the video at about 28 seconds

Surprisingly, the IOC wasn’t done screwing us over yet! During the women’s all-around final, little Gaby Douglas won gold (yay!) and Aly Raisman tied some Russian betch for bronze! I mean, their scores were identical but instead of calling it a tie (like every other sport EVER), they did a little fancy math and removed the lowest score from the two bronze medalists and readded and LOOK AT THAT! the Russian girl walks away with the medal and Aly Raisman goes home empty handed. Maybe next Olympics they can change the name from “All-Around” to “Almost-All-Around-Unless-We-Feel-Like-Making-Up-Rules-As-We-Go-Along-Again”

NBC

The NBC network caught a lot of flack for spoiling the results of the races before actually showing them but I’m not too mad about that. I mean, if you had a computer, a phone, or a friend with a phone or a computer, you knew the results the minute they happened so quit bitching. My problem with NBC is their insistence in showing hours and hours of sports that not only do I not care about but didn’t even know were Olympic sports!

THIS is an Olympic sport (albeit, at a slightly higher level)

I set my DVR to record the Olympics and when I sat down to watch the first day, I was pumped. Little did I know, I had about 300 hours of CYCLING DVRed. They showed the entirety of both the Men’s and Women’s road race, time trials, and that weird indoor biking on the tiny track. That’s a lot of biking to watch. Especially considering it is as exciting as watching paint dry. I don’t care if it’s a professional biker going 30 mph or a 10-year-old shithead riding their bike to the pool, I’m still not interested.

NBC also decided it was essential to show a million hours of equestrian events. Not that that stuff isn’t interesting but… it’s not interesting. Also, I’m confused, do the horses get the medal or the riders? Because it sure seems to me that the people on the horse don’t really do much. Sure, they steer the horse but they don’t make those jumps. From now on, NBC, you are only allowed to show me equestrian events if it’s a person wearing a bridle and a saddle attempting all of those things.

Make him jump over a hedge like this and I will TOTALLY watch it next Olympics

Well, this has gone on plenty long enough. I’ll have to finish my Olympic wrap up another day. Right now, I’ve got about 300 hours of cycling to get back. I think one person pedaling a bike is going to ride next to another person pedaling a bike! This is the excitement I live for.