Well, it’s about that time again. Time for me to go on an
extended rant about the top 5 things that piss me off at any given
location/situation.
Considering the fact that I spend most of my waking hours at
the pool lifeguarding, it seemed fitting that this week’s top 5 should be pool
related.
So sit back, enjoy, and quit bringing your little asshole
kids swimming.
5. Asking the hours/how much it costs
I don’t
know if people are just that lazy or just that stupid. Either way, the pool
hours are listed on a sign that you have to pass to get into the pool. Our
prices are listen on the wall right by the counter. And yet… multiple times a
day I have people come in that ask what our hours are or how much it costs. Or
my all time favorite, when people come in WHEN THERE ARE ALREADY PEOPLE IN THE
POOL and ask “are you guys open?” You would be shocked how often this happens.
And every time it does, I have to work to hold in a cuttingly sarcastic
comment. Not because the comment would be inappropriate (which it would be) but
because the idiot wouldn’t understand it was sarcasm.
4. Dealing with weird amounts of money
I
understand trying to get rid of your change. I do it too. But I do it like a
regular person and take it to the bank. I don’t send my child to the pool with
6 dollars worth of pennies. Have you ever had to count out multiple dollars
worth of pennies just so some 8-year-old who already weighs more than you can
buy junk food to make them even fatter? It’s so frustrating! An equally shitty
thing happens when people try to break their bills at the pool. Look around,
asshole. The pool is about 100 years old. The workers are between the ages of
15 and 22. Our “cash register” is a box over-flowing with ones and the
aforementioned pennies. What makes you think that we have the ability to break
a 100-dollar bill for you? Better question, while I’m breaking your hundred,
would you also like me to bring you a unicorn?
3. When people ask why the pool is dirty
In case in
the many instances where I’ve talked about the pool you didn’t catch that the
pool is outdoors, let me repeat: I WORK AT AN OUTDOOR POOL. Yet almost every
day, someone (even adults who you think would be smarter than that) comes up to
me and asks “why are there so many leaves in the pool?” Uhhhh LOOK THE F@CK
AROUND!!! YOU ARE IN NATURE! Instead of saying that, I explain that the wind
blows leaves and bugs into the pool and the filter system works to keep that
stuff out of there… while repeatedly stabbing myself in the temple.
2. When people contribute to the filth in the pool
Hey, guess
what? While I can’t stop the wind from blowing leaves into the pool, we can all
stop it from blowing garbage into the pool by… THROWING OUR SHIT AWAY. I know
schools are dealing with budget restrictions and from the behavior of kids at
the pool, I’m guessing that garbage bins were the first to go in favor of just
throwing everything on the ground. Every day after the pool closes I have to
walk around wearing gloves (because I’m sure as hell not about to touch anything
that has been in a kid’s hand and/or mouth) picking up all their garbage on the
ground. Seriously, for every piece of garbage that a kid puts in the garbage,
there are about 5 pieces lying on the ground. I’m starting to understand
America’s obesity epidemic because apparently every kid is too lazy to walk 5
yards to the garbage can.
1. Naughty kids
Come on.
You guys know me pretty well by now and my views on children are well established. And if you thought my views of children are harsh, that’s just because
you’ve never had to deal with children like THIS. I’ve been lifeguarding for a
long time and I’m pretty good at spotting kids doing things wrong. Of course,
all kids think they’re fricken genius stealthy criminal masterminds and think I
can’t see them. If it wasn’t so annoying, it would be hilarious. Every day
there is at least one naughty kid who waits until he/she thinks I’m not
watching and then pulls some crap that they know would get them in trouble. Of
course, 90% of the time they do this, I see them and yell. If they’ve done this
repeatedly, I sit them out in the hopes that the public shame and close proximity
to me will ruin their day as much as dealing with them has ruined mine.
Normally this just backfires though because I get so annoyed with them sitting
that close to me that I let them back in the water after about 3 minutes.
Well, that’s it. I mean, there are obviously many, MANY
other things that piss me off at work—it is ME, we’re talking about—but that’s
all the time we have for now. All I’m saying is, if you hear about some small-town
lifeguard going postal and blowing up the pool, don’t even bother reading the
news story because it’s probably me.
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