Death by Birds

June 4, 2012 (Please note, this is a 100% true story)

Guys. I almost died today.

I always said I wanted to die young (so I didn’t have to deal with old people sicknesses and saggy bodies) but THIS is not what I meant.

The past few days have been some of the most terrifying and stressful days of my life.

I have been targeted for death by a pack of Barn Swallows.

For those of you who are ignorant of Barn Swallows (as I was just a short time ago), they are small blue birds with a yellow underbelly and a long trilling chirp. They build their nests in the rafters of barns and other such things (hence their names).

Oh. And Barn Swallows are huge assholes.

Look at the evil in its eyes

A couple of Swallows built a nest above the clock on the wall of the pool where I work. Because we have children around and the last thing we need is baby birds and bird feces near our pool, the nest was disposed of.

I would like to note that I was NOT the one who knocked the nest down.

But that was the beginning of the end for me.

The next day, the birds began swarming and dive-bombing my head. As Rae and I worked in the guard house with the doors open, the birds began to fly in and out exerting their will and showing their power over us. Each time the birds flew in, Rae and I would run outside stare through the glass as the birds would wreck havoc. At one point, they both perched on a pipe in the ceiling and watched us watching them. And though I have no proof, I’m pretty sure one of them flipped me off then laughed.

I decided I had enough and bravely darted back in the building to shut the doors to keep the birds out while holding a kickboard above my head, wearing sunglasses to protect my eyes from their beaks, and waving a noodle around my head attempting to ward them off. 

The birds were not deterred.

They flew back into the guard house and forced my to hide in my locker (which I shut on myself) as Rae ran shrieking back out the front door.

This is my life now

Shenanigans like this continued steadily for the next few days but the birds didn’t seem to have a problem with anyone else. In fact, everyone else can go around with their regular lives like nothing is different. It's just me (and Rae, but this is MY blog so it’s all about me).

Think I’m joking? Think I’m over exaggerating?

That’s what my coworkers thought too.

Until today.

Today was the day the pool opened for the summer. And the day people started to believe that evil birds intend to kill me and use my body to line their nests.

The day started off well. There was not a bird in sight.

Until I began to walk to the guard chair. Out of nowhere, the two Barn Swallows appeared and began swarming near my head and dive-bombing in my vicinity. Now, I understand if you think this was a coincidence. Maybe I would even agree with you if it didn’t happen at EVERY SINGLE ROTATION ALL AFTERNOON LONG. (For reference, we rotate every twenty minutes from 1 to 5 PM)

Considering that this was going on even without provocation, I decided to steer clear of the guard chair nearest the Swallow nest for as long as I could. I didn't want to give them another reason to hate me. As the afternoon progressed, I watched the other life guards in this chair with relief as each sat there without a bird in sight.

However, the minute I sat in the chair, the birds appeared. They spent about five minutes circling my chair; swooping and bobbing and weaving and causing me to have a heart attack. At some points, they were less than 3 feet from my face.

Apparently, my living in constant fear for the past week wasn’t enough for them and they decided to step up their game. While in the guard house for the evening session, the birds began a relentless attack of swooping into and out of the guard house and flying back and forth in front of the doors at lightening speed effectively blocking the exit and stopping any attempted escape. Later, when I went into the Boys’ Bathroom to clean, I heard shrieks coming from the office which was Rae’s attempt to warn me that one of the birds had flown in after me.

This is the face it makes when it flies at your exposed jugular

I don’t know what I did to piss them off. I don’t know what I can do to pacify them. I cannot stay. I cannot go. I have no thoughts other than escaping the birds.

The birds have won.

This is a home video: