Children... Can't live with 'em, can't put them in a kennel

I believe I’ve made my views on children well known: they are great from a distance or for short periods of time but I do not want one.

I mean, I’m barely able to feed and clothe myself and now you want me to have another smaller, messier, less intelligent version of myself that I have to take care of?

 Mini-me

Uh. No thanks. I’ll just admire yours.

The problem with other people’s children, however, is the fact that they are almost never under control. The other day I was at Subway (because I am so healthy) and there was a small child in sport shorts and cowboy boots basically using the restaurant as a jungle gym.

Excuse me, ma’am, there is a park about a block and a half from Subway. Take your child there or leave him in the car with the window cracked because I’m trying to eat my six-inch sub in peace.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but if I had acted like that when I was a child, my father and I would have had a very serious “Come to Jesus” meeting with a possible spanking.

(Please note, my father only spanked me twice in my entire childhood. My mother never spanked me but she did call me a “little shit” once. I’m still working through that in therapy)

The fact that more and more children are acting this way has led me to the conclusion that we Americans need to step up our game. I’m not suggesting we beat our children or starve them or anything. (Unless they are obese in which case I’m ok with you limiting their diet to a healthy degree)

I just think we need to show kids who’s the boss. Hint: it’s not them.

I’m all for treating kids with respect but you can’t tell me that rationally explaining to a 3-year-old that it is disrespectful to smear their poop on the walls is more effective than a swift spanking followed by a time-out.

Additionally, if your child can’t keep quiet in a restaurant/church/plane/other place filled with people who aren’t children, take them out to teach them a lesson. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a child screaming in church and seen the parents patiently asking them to be quiet or threatening to take them outside. Considering the fact that 10 minutes later the child is still screaming and I’m trying to resist throwing my missal at it like a throwing star, I don’t think it is the most effective method.

 Commandment 11: Thou shalt not slap thy child crying in My house

Speaking of effective methods, I am a strong advocate of leashes for children. I know some people may disagree or think leashes are a step too far, I think they are brilliant and if (God forbid) I have a child, it will be on a leash from the first time it walks until it is 18. Not only are they great at keeping kids out of places they shouldn’t be, but also they are hilarious!

I mean, have you ever seen a child on a leash? It is one of the funniest sights ever.

Sadly, I’ve only ever seen children on leashes walking politely next to their parents but I like to imagine that they have been conditioned to behave that way. Can you imagine seeing a child run to the end of their leashes and thrown back the way dogs are? Or tethered out in the front yard digging in the dirt and rolling around round in dead things?

Better yet, imagine a child wearing a shock collar or dealing with an underground fence. That stuff is comic gold!

So I guess after all that, I’m not sure I actually like the idea of a leash as a means of controlling my child or just like the idea of a child acting like an animal… Either way, if I ever get pregnant, all I want for my baby shower is onesies, diapers, and multiple leashes.

Geez, after re-reading what I just wrote, I’m more convinced than ever that I may not be “mother” material. Also, I’m more convinced than ever that children suck and we should keep them out of public places. And by “public places” I mean “places where I am”