Well, as we all know, my birthday is rapidly approaching.
And I don’t trust any of you to pick out my birthday presents. Luckily, this is
a special edition of KB Thinks For You in which I will be thinking of birthday
presents from you to me.
You’re welcome.
1. World Peace
I put this
on my list because it’s kind of expected. I mean, if someone ever asks you what
you would change if you could, you’re supposed to say “World Peace.” Luckily
for me, however, you really can’t get me World Peace. Thank God. I mean, what
am I going to do with World Peace? Plus, it’s not like there is a return policy
on World Peace. Still, I thought it would be nice of me to ask for World Peace
because it makes me look like a really good person who cares about others.
Haha, yeah right.
2. A Celtics Championship
Before you
tell me that it isn’t possible to guarantee me a win, I want you guys to step
outside of the box and think big. Did Tonya Harding decide to just sit back and
let the better skater win? No! She had her boyfriend take a crowbar to Nancy Kerrigan's leg to make sure she couldn’t win. That’s the kind of go-getter
attitude I’m looking for. Now… I’m not suggesting any of you take a crow bar to
any NBA player’s leg… I’m sure a regular piece of pipe or a chain or something
would do the trick too. I’m really not picky. Also, I’d prefer if you take down
both LeBron and Wade because they annoy me but let Chris Bosh be. After all, he
is the only human/dinosaur/ostrich mix so I think he’s on the endangered
species list.
3. New Roommates
I know I
only have three weeks left living with these heathens but I just don’t think I
can do it anymore. I’ve been writing a diary for the last three weeks every
night with things like “HELP ME” and “I’M SO SCARED” and “I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL
MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.” You think I’m exaggerating? I’m NOT.
This is a picture I took of myself last night. Just in case I didn't make it to the morning
The other day, Roommate A started listening to THIS song on
repeat. Not only is it now stuck in my head but… when it gets to the “back it
up beep, beep like a trucker” SHE BACKS IT UP ON TO ME! I shower 15 times a day
to get her dirt off me but I can’t scrub the memory from my mind.
Last weekend was Spring Weekend meaning we had an awesome
concert, courtesy of Jay Sean paid for with our tuition money. Also, when I say
“awesome” I mean “nooooooooooooooo.” While at this outdoor concert, Roommate
B began groping my buttocks in public. I know I have an irresistible body but
it’s just not appropriate in public. After that, people in the crowd looked at
me as if I was a fallen woman. (Fallen woman? Kind of like Michele always
“falling” on her knees. BOOM)
Finally, Roommate C has consistently tried to kill me
throughout the year. She knows I have sensitive teeth (because of my
cavities/unhealthy Mountain Dew consumption). Yet my roommate always brings home
sweet foods and FORCES me to eat them. She then points and laughs as I cringe
in pain and curl up on the floor sobbing in pain. Damn you and your Girl
Scout cookies!
4. A Lifetime Supply of Mountain Dew
Frankly I’m
offended that no one has already bought this for me (Mom and Dad, I’m looking
at you. You really dropped that ball on this one). Also, on a somewhat related
note, if anyone would like to buy me unlimited dental visits and/or dentures
that would be greatly appreciated.
I think that’s about it. I mean, cash is always appreciated.
Or you could donate to my favorite charity One Laptop Per Child.
Hahahaha just kidding. What a joke. “Hey kids. I know you
don’t have food or clean drinking water and you will probably be kidnapped and
forced to be a child soldier but here’s a cool green laptop! Why don’t you
create a facebook page for yourself or something?”
All birthday joking aside, here are some legitimately good
foundations to help make a difference.
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