How Medical Shows Ruined My Life

If you read KB Thinks Music this week, you already know my feelings for Grey’s Anatomy. If you haven’t read it yet, well, you’re an asshole.

Anyway, Grey’s Anatomy and other medical shows have absolutely ruined my life.

See, the problem is that to keep viewers interested week after week, the show-runners have to come up with more and more outlandish diseases/medical catastrophes. This leads to me completely rejecting Occam’s Razor.

BOOM: SCIENCE TIMEOUT

Occam’s Razor is the law attributed to Franciscan Friar William of Occam in the 14^th century. In it’s simplest terms: when you have two competing theories, go with the simpler one because it is more likely. Aka when you hear hoof beats, assume horses before zebras.

Phew. Science is boring. Enjoy this funny photo to rejuvenate your mind.

Anyway, as I was saying, after I watch medical shows, I throw Occam’s Razor out of the window. (insert pun about throwing a sharp razor out of the window here). Basically whenever I feel the least bit ill, I assume the worst.

Twinge in the ankle? My Achilles is about to snap!

Bruise on arm? Internal hemorrhaging.

Tingles from falling asleep on the side of my face? Stroke.

Headache? Brain tumor.

Cough? Mono.

Stomach ache? Tropical worms.

As you can see, leaving with all of these various afflictions is really difficult for me. And for my doctor who has repeatedly told me there is nothing wrong with me.

Psht. When I drop dead of the polio and the black lung, we’ll see how stupid he feels.

On the other side, I’ve also become an insufferable know-it-all because of my “medical training.”

KB FACTOID TIMEOUT

I am actually CPR and First Aid certified and can legally operate a defibrillator.

That being said… I am not a doctor.

That’s never stopped me from thinking I’m one, however. Any time I hear of anyone going to the doctor, I immediately ask for their symptoms and give a comprehensive diagnosis and treatment option. Though I’ve never actually been right (I tried to convince my roommate that she had smallpox) I know that some day, someone will be saved when I correctly diagnose them with the Scarlet Fever.

 Had to carry her dead body to the hospital.

If it’s you… You’re welcome in advance.

I think this willingness to diagnose myself and others comes from my distrust of doctors.

Which also comes from TV shows.

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Grey’s or any other medical show but being a doctor doesn’t really seem to be high on their priority list. They spend most of their time either talking about each other and their problems/relationships or just getting it on in the on-call room… or exam room… or office… or closet.

 Look at that. Grey's Anatomy even promises sex in the opening credits.

Thanks to these shows, I assume that someone has had sex on every surface in every room and my doctor is thinking about the next time he/she is going to get it on rather than focusing on my life threatening leprosy.

I also have a hard time dealing with unattractive doctors. 8 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy has conditioned me into believe that you can only be accepted to medical school if you are extremely attractive. I mean, do I need to mention Patrick Dempsey again?

Patrick Dempsey.

You're welcome

So imagine my disgust when I walk into my doctor’s office and don’t see attractive people in scrubs. I feel like I’m being cheated or something. It’s just the worst.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how shows like Grey’s Anatomy have absolutely completely devastated me and ruined my life.

That and the fact they kill off my favorite characters.

RIP Lexie Grey!!! #neverforget

This was me during the finale last week

Also, I’d like to part with some words of wisdom: Never EVER go to Seattle. Nothing good ever happens there. They have plane crashes, ferry crashes, train crashes, car crashes, street cave-ins, hospital shootings, and an unbelievably high number of rare diseases including the bubonic plague. Seriously. Stay away.