Don't You Hate It When...

 Don’t you hate it when just you and one other person are walking towards each other on the sidewalk and even though you are 25 yards away you just know you are going run into them? And even though you are that far away, you are already awkwardly dodging left and right in a sort of Tango of awkwardness? I have a special gift of being able to make the simplest scenario, like passing someone on a sidewalk, the height of awkwardness for everyone around. It's like my talent.

Don’t you hate when you haven’t shaved your legs in weeks and only realize when you walk out in public in shorts and realize your leg hair is out of control? Like you need to shampoo, conditioner, comb, and braid just to keep it in line?

 Yep. That's braided leg hair. Prepare to never make a friend again.

Don’t you hate it when you see a very large person board some form of public transportation and have an instinctual feeling that they are going to sit next to you? True story: last Saturday, on the way back to NY from Boston, one such woman (not just large, she was legitimately obese) sat next to me and it was the most uncomfortable bus ride of my life as she was too big to fit in the seat so her body spilled over (and crushed) my body. On top of that, she fell asleep and couldn’t control where her arms went so she ended up using my hip as her personal armrest. Though I continually tried to shake it off, it couldn't be stopped and her ham-hock of an arm pressed into my hip as she snored with sounds that made me question whether she was living or dying. Needless to say, I did not sleep at all.

 This was my night...

Don’t you hate it when you think about people like the Kardashians having an almost billion dollar empire while you are brooooooke? Seriously. If I can make that much money for making a sex tape with some crappy R&B star, sign me up. Just kidding. I have some self-respect. I’ll have one with a really good R&B star. Like Chris Brown. I’m sure that would be a hit. We would knock it out of the park. Hit ‘em with the ole one two punch. It would really be a combo that couldn’t be beat. (See what I did there?)

Nothing but the hitzzz 

Don’t you hate it when you are watching a sporting game of any sort (I mean the ones that matter, obviously) and your team starts to lose and you are automatically convinced it has something to do with you?

“The minute I crossed my right leg they started to miss shots! UNCROSS IT!” “Whenever I take a sip of my drink, the other team gets a hit! DIE OF THIRST!”

“My roommate just came into the room and one of the players got seriously injured! KILL HER IMMEDIATELY”

Don’t you hate it when you’re just about to fall asleep and your roommate finally comes back from partying all night smelling like alcohol and shame? Just kidding. What I really hate is when you’re just about to fall asleep and you hear a noise. Now, in your mind you know that it’s just the air conditioner turning on or the rattling of a pipe but in your heart you’re like, “There is someone in my house and I am going to die and this is going to be the last thing I ever hear or see and I wish I would have been nicer to my parents and I wish I would have told Katie Buhler how funny I think she is and THIS IS WHAT DEATH FEELS LIKE.”

Don’t you hate it when you see a commercial on television that is literally one of the stupidest things you’ve ever seen? (I’m looking at you, Flo from Progressive) And then you realize that the people who come up with these stupid ideas are getting paid really solid money to do so? You just look at it and think, “Well this is stupid. I could have come up with something better as a five year old.” Then you realize that all your creative juices are being used up by college while the idiots behind the Progresso soup-can-phone commercials are making money. Then you go back to trying to read whatever ridiculous book you’re reading for class (FYI, this week is In Cold Blood and A Rage In Harlem) while eating Ramen Noodles aka the only things you can afford.

No one hates me as much as I hate myself 

Don’t you hate it when you’re the funniest person in the room and everyone laughs at everything you say? It’s like “I know, I know. I’m hilarious. Now how about you bring something to the table?”

Well, let’s be real, that one probably only happens to me.