Don’t you hate when you haven’t shaved your legs in weeks
and only realize when you walk out in public in shorts and realize your leg
hair is out of control? Like you need to shampoo, conditioner, comb, and braid
just to keep it in line?
Don’t you hate it when you see a very large person board
some form of public transportation and have an instinctual feeling that they
are going to sit next to you? True story: last Saturday, on the way back to NY
from Boston, one such woman (not just large, she was legitimately obese) sat next to me
and it was the most uncomfortable bus ride of my life as she was too big to fit
in the seat so her body spilled over (and crushed) my body. On top of that, she
fell asleep and couldn’t control where her arms went so she ended up using my
hip as her personal armrest. Though I continually tried to shake it off, it couldn't be stopped and her ham-hock of an arm pressed into my hip as she
snored with sounds that made me question whether she was living or dying.
Needless to say, I did not sleep at all.
Don’t you hate it when you think about people like the
Kardashians having an almost billion dollar empire while you are brooooooke?
Seriously. If I can make that much money for making a sex tape with some crappy
R&B star, sign me up. Just kidding. I have some self-respect. I’ll have one
with a really good R&B star. Like Chris Brown. I’m sure that would be a
hit. We would knock it out of the park. Hit ‘em with the ole one two punch. It
would really be a combo that couldn’t be beat. (See what I did there?)
Don’t you hate it when you are watching a sporting game of
any sort (I mean the ones that matter, obviously) and your team starts to lose
and you are automatically convinced it has something to do with you?
“The minute I crossed my right leg they started to miss
shots! UNCROSS IT!” “Whenever I take a sip of my drink, the other team gets a
hit! DIE OF THIRST!”
“My roommate just came into the room and one of the players
got seriously injured! KILL HER IMMEDIATELY”
Don’t you hate it when you’re just about to fall asleep and
your roommate finally comes back from partying all night smelling like alcohol
and shame? Just kidding. What I really hate is when you’re just about to fall
asleep and you hear a noise. Now, in your mind you know that it’s just the air
conditioner turning on or the rattling of a pipe but in your heart you’re like,
“There is someone in my house and I am going to die and this is going to be the
last thing I ever hear or see and I wish I would have been nicer to my parents
and I wish I would have told Katie Buhler how funny I think she is and THIS IS
WHAT DEATH FEELS LIKE.”
Don’t you hate it when you see a commercial on television
that is literally one of the stupidest things you’ve ever seen? (I’m looking at
you, Flo from Progressive) And then you realize that the people who come up
with these stupid ideas are getting paid really solid money to do so? You just
look at it and think, “Well this is stupid. I could have come up with something
better as a five year old.” Then you realize that all your creative juices are
being used up by college while the idiots behind the Progresso soup-can-phone commercials are
making money. Then you go back to trying to read whatever ridiculous book
you’re reading for class (FYI, this week is In
Cold Blood and A Rage In Harlem)
while eating Ramen Noodles aka the only things you can afford.
Don’t you hate it when you’re the funniest person in the
room and everyone laughs at everything you say? It’s like “I know, I know. I’m
hilarious. Now how about you bring something to the table?”
Well, let’s be real, that one probably only happens to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment