Horror Movies? More Like Bore-or Movies

I make a point of never watching scary movies.

I could say it’s because they are formulaic and therefore, unsurprising.

I could say the acting in these movies is subpar.

I could say the plots are basically whipped up just so they can fit in a few crazy/disgusting deaths and it leaves me disappointed.

But in all honesty, I am a huge chicken who hates being scared.

Seriously, I always fall asleep facing the door of wherever I’m sleeping because if I’m going to be murdered in my sleep, I’d rather I can see the person than be grabbed unaware. Whenever I hear the slightest creak of floorboards of a house, I’m convinced it is someone there to kill or abduct me (I can’t decide which would be worse). I think about how far I am from the nearest neighbors to determine whether my cries for help will be heard (assuming my neighbors haven’t already been murdered). I refuse to look out of windows in the dark because I have seen one too many people be surprised by something popping up. And if you expect me to go anywhere at night, I will only walk in well lit areas and check the backseat of my car before I get in. Basic survival skills.

This is me, whenever I hear a sound

This brings me back to the point about horror movies: I don’t understand the point of them and would much rather laugh than pee myself while screaming. But hey, that’s just me.

I do have a few observations which many people have made before me and many will make after me. Why are people in horror movies soooooo stupid? It’s frankly an insult to our intelligence that we let Hollywood continue to push the same formula down our throats and we still flock to see these movies.

You think after all this time, we would no longer be scared seeing these people make the same mistakes over and over and over and over and would just be annoyed with their stupidity.

For instance:

“Hey girl! You are alone in the house, the phone is no longer working, you keep seeing movement out of the corner of your eyes meaning someone is in the house trying to kill you. How about you, oh, I don’t know… GO OUTSIDE and run away? Oh, you don’t want to do that? You’d rather run upstairs. Yeah that’s a good idea. Because there are a lot of ways to escape from the upper stories of a house and nothing can follow you up there. Frankly, you deserve to die.”

 Foolproof plan!

Or

“Look, it’s a young group of friends who are lost in the middle of nowhere. Looks like you guys got lucky because there is a broken down house right by the road with some satanic symbols and something that looks suspiciously like bloodstains all over it. Maybe you guys should all go inside the building and then split up once you get in there because nothing says ‘abandon the buddy system’ quite like being lost in a haunted house. Have fun stumbling upon your best friends mutilated body before being killed by that weird shadow figure standing right behind you.”

 Let's split up and I'll meet you back here in 2 hours! Unless one of us is murdered first. Haha like that'll happen

Or

“You’re a young man who is traveling alone when your car breaks down in a creepy town who’s name ends in ‘ville.’ You’re probably safe to stop in that sketchy bar with crazy locals. And I bet you can totally get lucky with that hot bartender who seems to be the only sane one there. Not like she’s going to murder you in the middle of sex. Coitus Interruptus.”

 You really thought Megan Fox wanting to be with you wouldn't have a catch?

Or

“You’re driving in the middle of the night through a place that happens to be foggy and have a weird greenish hue? It’s so nice that you stopped to pick up that hitchhiker whose face is mainly covered with a creepy hat and who’s carrying a weird bag that looks like it’s made out of a weird kind of leather. I’m sure you’ll be fine, that is, as long as your definition of ‘fine’ includes ‘being murdered, gutted, and eaten, before having your skin made into that guy’s trench coat.’”

Seems legit 

Or

“What an adorable little kid! You and your husband/wife should totally adopt it. Also, disregard all the weird things that happen around the kid and their weird stories you’ve heard about it. I’m sure all it needs is a little unconditional love. Oh, and don’t worry, it’s completely normal for them to stand over your bed and watch you sleep with crazy red eyes or contort their body in seemingly physically impossible ways.”

 This kid is evil? I had NO idea!!!

Seriously, people that make horror movies, please come up with something new. I mean, I guess it doesn’t really matter because I’m sure as hell not going to watch your movie either way but maybe your fans would appreciate something a little less predictable.

Top 5 Ways to Piss KB Off: Driving Edition

Living in Buffalo has given me a lot of time to drive. And the roads I’m driving aren’t winding with lots of things to see. They are the kind of roads that go on and on and on and on and on and on in a flat line for forever. 

This means it’s really easy to get distracted or drift off. Maybe that’s why everyone I’m sharing the road with seems to be terrible drivers.

Anyway, here is KB’s Top 5 Ways to Piss Me Off: Driving Edition

5. Passing in dangerous areas

            Hey dumbass! Yes, you. Do you see those yellow lines on the ground? When they are all solid, it means you cannot pass! Do you also see how these solid yellow lines occur when visibility may not be the best? Like going around a sharp corner or going up a hill? That’s not a coincidence. It’s f@cking common sense. I know that you are probably in a huge hurry what with the Asshole Convention in town and all but maybe you could slow down behind me just long enough to see if there is someone coming at us in the lane you will currently be using to blow by me (even though I’m already going 4 mph over the speed limit). I would like to make it to my destination in one place and I’m sure it would be a huge loss to the world if you got killed before you could deliver your keynote address at the Asshole Convention.

4. Weaving

            Hey dumbass! Yes, you. Do you remember how we just talked about the yellow lines and what they mean for passing? Well they also divide the road into sections: my half and your half. If we both stay in our halves when we drive, both of us will be safe and I won’t have to flip you off and/or honk at you and/or scream until I’m hoarse. The lanes are pretty big so you shouldn’t have any problem staying in your side but for God’s sake, keep your drivers side tires out of my lane and your passenger side tires out of the shoulder. I know when we were all kids we thought we had to constantly turn the wheel but now that you’re old enough to drive, you should know that it is possible to stay in a straight line, in fact, it’s desirable that you do so.

 This sign means "DON'T F@CKING DRIVE LIKE THIS"

3. Pulling out in front of me (only to slow down)

            I get it; we’ve all got places to go. You probably don’t want to wait until I’m past the intersection you’re waiting at before turning. I’m reasonable, I’ll make a deal with you. If you turn in front of me and speed up to the point where I don’t have to slow down, I will let you live. However, if you turn in front of me to slowly work your way up to the speed limit over a 5 minute time span… well, I think Liam Neeson said it best:

2. Being a teenager

            I know this one doesn’t really have to do with driving and isn’t fair because I know many teenagers who aren’t like this but… If you are under the age of 18 and I see you driving, I will immediately get angry. For one thing, I assume you don’t know what you are doing. For another, I assume you are drunk and/or high and/or texting and/or stupid. I also assume you are listening to some sort of music that I hate at a volume that would make me go deaf. I can’t really explain this one but you make me angry.

1. Not using cruise control

            If you are driving anywhere in the Midwest that is more than 2 miles out of a town larger than 1,000 people, you need to use cruise control or else have that rare gift of being able to drive the exact same speed for an extended period of time. I assume you don’t have that skill so let’s stick with cruise control. I know you don’t get as good mileage with it but if you use it, I won’t have to kill you. So what do you value more? Your life or a couple dollars saved on gas? Let’s face it, there is really nothing worse than going a steady 68 mph on a highway only to be passed by a car going 90 only to pass that same car now going 45 only to be passed again going 70 only to pass them again going 55 only to… well, you get the point. If you are this person well, I hope you know that me and 95% of the population hate you.

The sequel will be staring me 

There are obviously other things to keep in mind while driving but if you don’t want to piss me off, these are the major things to focus on. Although, if you really don’t want to piss me off, you could just stay off the road altogether and let me do as I please.

This is what I want to do

Election 2012

Folks. Fellow Americans. I have something important to discuss with you all. As we all know (hopefully), November 6 is an important day for the future of our country. Not only are we voting on various important bills but we are electing a new president. I’m not here to tell you to vote for Obama or Romney.

Let’s face it; both of them suck.

Instead, I’m here to offer 5 people who I believe are better equipped to lead our country.

1. Jon Stewart

            This is the most obvious choice and if he were on the ballot, I would vote for him without a second thought. Not only is he funny and sexy, he’s a smart guy. Seriously, what kind of world are we living in when our comedians are the ones who speak the truth and our politicians are the ones being ridiculous. Plus, we already know that Jon Stewart looks mighty fine in red, white, and blue.

2. Dora the Explorer

            I know I had a go at Dora a year ago but I think she really has the skills to lead America in the direction it needs to go. I know a Dora the Explorer nomination faces a lot of problems what with her age (3), her insistence on having a monkey as her running mate, and her ambiguous birth place (is she an American citizen or not?) but I truly think she has the skills we need to turn America around. Have you ever watched her show? She really listens to the people and takes what they have to say into account. 

She always maps out her actions before she does anything and sticks to the plan without adding extra complications. 

Step by step plan to put America back together

She has never accepted the idea that there might not be an answer to her plans. She is always willing to work with others to accomplish her goals.

Talk about reaching across the aisle; Dora is reaching across the barnyard

 She never lets Swiper (aka lobbyists/special interest groups) distract her or get what isn’t his. Dora Para el Pueblo!!!

3. Michael Scott

            Granted, Michael Scott was not necessarily qualified to even handle an office the size of Dunder Mifflin Scranton but he would be the perfect leader for America. Let’s face it, we’re already in as much trouble economically as we could ever be and have tons of overseas problems. Why not have a president who is only concerned with making sure everyone likes him and everyone in the country has a good time? He’s not superstitious.

 He takes personal interest in everyone to the point he will arrange a 5k fun run for a disease that has been largely eradicated in the United States.

And he's not afraid to say what's on his mind.

4. Ted Mosby

            I don’t actually watch How I Met Your Mother unless there is literally nothing else on TV. From my limited knowledge of Ted, however, I think he already has the makings of a great politician. For one, his show has been on for about 50 years and he STILL hasn’t told us who his wife is. That is fancy footwork dancing around the issues, which is EXACTLY what a politician has to be able to do. He talks and talks and talks but never says anything of substance. If that doesn’t sound like every politician on Capitol Hill now, I don’t know what does. Plus, he has a really good narrating voice that would at least insure that the State of the Unions are fun to listen to.

 Clearly he's already got his sex scandal all set up

5. Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne

            Now, I don’t believe that these two would actually make good leaders. And they are both Canadian meaning it isn’t even legal for them to run. However, we have to take whatever steps necessary to keep them from making any more music. I will admit that I liked Avril Lavigne’s second album. I’m not ashamed. But everything since then has sucked. And don’t get me started on Nickelback. They literally make me despair in the fate of humanity. 

And now that they are together, I’ve heard rumors they are going to be releasing music together. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. Fellow Americans, if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. We must stand together now to stop Chavril from being released on the world.

I’m sure none of these people will actually get elected but… I can always hope.

Regardless of my wishes in president, you need to register to vote (if you’re not already, RAEANN I’M TALKING TO YOU) and get out to the polls.

And for an added bonus, check out this hilarious tumblr animating the tweets comedian Rob Delaney sends to Mitt Romney on a regular basis. Regardless of your politics, these tweets are hilarious.

 Mitt and Rob Tumblr