Baby Quiz

I’ve been thinking about how much I want to have a kid lately.

And when I say “how much?” the answer is “not at all.”

Don’t think I just jumped to this conclusion, however. I spent a lot of time thinking it over carefully and at the end of the day created this fool proof quiz to see if I was ready for Parenthood. If you find yourself in a similar situation where you are thinking it might be time to have a kid, maybe this quiz can help.

1. You know how to file your own tax return without your parents’ help? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 2

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

2. You have a steady job that does not involve you removing clothes for money? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 3

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

Parenting: You're doing it wrong

3. You would be ok with someone other than your drunken friend throwing up on your shirt? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 4

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

4. You’re 14 or older? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 5

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

5. You can handle human feces in all colors, textures, and consistencies? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 6

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

6. You know that Dora the Explorer is a children’s television show and not a sexual role-play game? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 7

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

7. You have somewhere to put a child other than a cardboard box lined with newspaper at the foot of your bed? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 8

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

8. You can sit through interactive television shows without throwing something at the tv, swearing, or gesturing inappropriately? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 9

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

Inappropriate and offensive but still kind of funny

9. You are capable of opening childproof locks, toilet seats, gates, and lids? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 10

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

Wtf is this lock? Looks like you need the cast of Ocean's Eleven to get into the cabinet

10. You are willing to spend the majority of your money for the next 18 years on someone other than yourself? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 11

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

11. You don’t mind the sight/sound/smell of children? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 12

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

12. You’re sure about your answer to 11? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 13

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

13. You don’t mind the sticky feeling of jam that children seem to leave on everything they touch? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 14

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

14. You are aware that boarding schools are expensive and they still send the kids home for vacations and visits? (Y/N)

If yes, move to question 15

If no, proceed to the results section at the end

15. You still want to have children after taking this quiz? (Y/N)

Proceed to the results section

Results

YES: If you answered “yes” to every single question, congratulations you crazy bastard! Sounds like you’re ready to slide a couple mini-me’s out of your lady parts. Though I certainly can’t understand your desire, I wish you the best of luck with your demon life-ruiners children. And remember, when you need someone to teach them swimming lessons… knock on someone else’s door.

This is your future

NO: If you answered “no” to any question up there, CONGRATULATIONS! You are not ready to have children and should keep your legs closed/keep it in your pants depending on your sex. Seriously. You are clearly not ready for the responsibility of having a child and depending on your answers to questions 11, 12, and 14, you might have a serious hatred of children and should avoid having one at all costs.

If you answered “no” to questions 6 and 7 you should seek some mental help because there is clearly something wrong with you. I’m not here to judge but… you are a sick freak who should be ashamed of yourself.

If you answered “no” to questions 4 and 9 you need to get back to school and quit being a whore. You are way too young and have some serious growing up to do. Maybe you can think more about children when you graduate from watching “Nick JR” to straight up “Nickelodeon.”

If you answered “no” to questions 2 and 3, you should rethink your future. Sign up for some online courses or something. Rethink your priorities. Please, just get your shit together.

I genuinely hope this quiz has been helpful. If you know anyone who is thinking about getting pregnant, do us all a favor and show the quiz to them.

Remember, only you can prevent pregnancies.