The Bathroom: Revisited

Part of my job description is cleaning the pool house every night after we close. That includes bathrooms. And you have no idea how disgusting these bathrooms are. I only go in there if I’m wearing a hazmat suit. Anyway, this got me thinking about bathroom etiquette and rules. Luckily for both of us, I already wrote a blog about this! I made a few minor adjustments and added a couple disgusting stories but read and enjoy. And then wash your hands because they are probably filthy just from talking about public restrooms.

First of all. Public restrooms are disgusting. Everyone knows this. Since bathroom filth is a known fact, I am absolutely shocked that I even need to say this but… Always, always, always wear shoes in a restroom. Honestly, how could you walk into a public restroom without shoes and not immediately want to chop your feet off then jump into a vat of acid? It is absolutely filthy. Even thinking about what could be on that floor makes me want to vomit. And if I ever see you in a bathroom without shoes on, I swear I will shun you for life (Hutterite style). Maybe you think I’m over reacting but a couple weeks ago I had to pick poop up off the floor at the pool. I wore gloves and washed my entire body afterwards but that shit is nasty. Why would you willingly walk in a bathroom without shoes after knowing that FECES has been picked up where your bare feet are. If I still haven’t scared you, think about this… When you walk barefoot through a bathroom, you are carrying EVERYTHING that has been on that floor with you for the rest of the day—potentially even into your bed.

Secondly, there has always been an unspoken rule about bathroom stall etiquette but apparently some people need a refresher course. Unless the bathroom is absolutely packed, do not, under any circumstances go into a stall next to an already occupied stall. From what I understand, every guy knows the whole “never use the middle urinal” rule so why can’t we all learn the “don’t go right next to someone when there are 500 other stalls open” rule? It just creates a whole new level of awkwardness that is not necessary. I shouldn’t be forced to listen to you making weird sounds as you vacate fluids or… other stuff from your body. Just go away!

Thirdly, when I’m in a public restroom, I can HEAR when you leave without washing your hands. If you are over the age of 3, you have no excuse for that disgusting-ness. Seriously, who doesn’t wash their hands?!? Don’t you feel disgusting (because you should)? There are literally millions of little bacteria (which I imagine to have the body of a tick and the head of comedian Carrot Top) running around all over your hands. Isn’t that a disturbing image? Do you KNOW where Carrot Top has been?!? And how big of a hurry can you be in that you don’t have 30 seconds to wash your hands? Unless you are the president of the United States, you don’t have anywhere that important to be (btw Obama, I still expect you to wash your hands unless there is some national emergency).

Also—this should go without saying—but can we please flush the toilet? How can you not flush the toilet? On my list of “Most Disgusting Things Ever” a non-flushed toilet is right above Diet Mountain Dew and right below dislocated body parts in my top 5. I’m not even going to go further in this paragraph because you all know when I bring DMD (aka the drink of the Devil) and/or dislocated body parts into the equation I am SERIOUS.

Lastly, I’d like to ask “What Were You Thinking?” to people who design bathrooms. My main beef is with the asshole who designed those water faucets. You know the kind that has a self-timer but you have to push it in to make it go? First of all, they give you zero control over water temperature so it starts off cold enough to cause frostbite then suddenly becomes so hot that you’re lucky if you don’t need to go to the nearest burn unit. Secondly, the water runs for about 1.43 seconds. This makes ZERO sense. Aren’t all those health department people always telling us to wash our hands for at least 30 seconds or some nonsense? How am I supposed to do that if every other second the water is shutting off? And how are my hands ever going to be clean if I have to keep touching the faucet which has my germs and everyone else’s germs on it? I can’t decide if these faucets were designed by a mentally challenged blind child or are some terrorist attack designed to bring America down from the inside. Either way, it makes my life miserable.

Let’s face it. Public restrooms are nasty, dirty places that you should avoid at all costs. Seriously, just hold it until you get home or find a tree to squat behind. We would all be better off.