Open Letter to Sarah McLachlan

Dear Sarah,

First of all, I think you’re great. I really appreciate that “I Will Remember You” song. Super catchy and really upbeat. Also, I really enjoy songs that employ “do do do-do do do do” as lyrics.

Secondly, I’m a huge fan of Dawson’s Creek and I love that you did the theme song to that! Oh wait, that was Paula Cole. You guys sound the EXACT same. Anyway, that’s a great song, isn’t it?

Now let’s dispense with the pleasantries. Pull that ASPCA commercial off the air now or I will personally run up to every dog or cat I see and kick it. Just kidding. I could never kick a dog.

Seriously though, what are you doing with those commercials? It’s like a sneak attack of clinical depression.

I mean, here I am minding my own business watching a rerun of Friends and—BOOM—I see some dog with giant eyes staring up at me as your crappy “Angel” song comes on. Next thing I know I’m lying on the floor in the fetal position sobbing.

I didn’t even know dogs and cats could cry until watching your commercials when you somehow managed to get some tears to drop.

I’m all for helping animals. I mean, I even donated to ASPCA once (and you’re still sending me stuff asking me to contribute more… no one likes gold diggers). I just am not sure commercials that make the watchers feel like assholes is the best way to go about it. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even watch the ads anymore. If I see so much as dog in a commercial, I turn the channel in fear that next thing I hear will be “in the arms of an angel…” It’s too emotionally draining for me (so emotionally draining that when I first typed that sentence I had used the wrong “too”).

It also doesn’t help that the commercial is approximately 3 hours long. Seriously, I change the channel, wait about 10 minutes and go back thinking it will be over but instead see some cat with its eyeball torn out pawing at the camera. Have you ever thought about saving some of the millions of dollars you spend buying ad time and feeding the animals that way? I’m sure they’d rather have food and bigger cages than be forced to hear that “Angel” song multiple times a day.

Since I like you, I’m willing to cut you a deal: you pull the ad off the air and I won’t kill you. I think that’s more than fair.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this and I look forward to the changes you are going to make to ASPCA’s approach (i.e. not making want to jump in front of a bus). I wish you luck in all your future endeavors (unless your endeavors involve more weeping animals)

Sincerely,

KB Thinks For You (and the rest of the world’s population)

PS

Have you ever actually seen this commercial? I just can’t believe if you had you’d let is air. Literally more depressing than those ads about starving children and that’s saying something.