Top 5 Things That Piss KB Off: Pool Edition

Well, it’s about that time again. Time for me to go on an extended rant about the top 5 things that piss me off at any given location/situation.

Considering the fact that I spend most of my waking hours at the pool lifeguarding, it seemed fitting that this week’s top 5 should be pool related.

So sit back, enjoy, and quit bringing your little asshole kids swimming.

5. Asking the hours/how much it costs

            I don’t know if people are just that lazy or just that stupid. Either way, the pool hours are listed on a sign that you have to pass to get into the pool. Our prices are listen on the wall right by the counter. And yet… multiple times a day I have people come in that ask what our hours are or how much it costs. Or my all time favorite, when people come in WHEN THERE ARE ALREADY PEOPLE IN THE POOL and ask “are you guys open?” You would be shocked how often this happens. And every time it does, I have to work to hold in a cuttingly sarcastic comment. Not because the comment would be inappropriate (which it would be) but because the idiot wouldn’t understand it was sarcasm.

 "I saw people in the pool so... are you guys open or not?"

4. Dealing with weird amounts of money

            I understand trying to get rid of your change. I do it too. But I do it like a regular person and take it to the bank. I don’t send my child to the pool with 6 dollars worth of pennies. Have you ever had to count out multiple dollars worth of pennies just so some 8-year-old who already weighs more than you can buy junk food to make them even fatter? It’s so frustrating! An equally shitty thing happens when people try to break their bills at the pool. Look around, asshole. The pool is about 100 years old. The workers are between the ages of 15 and 22. Our “cash register” is a box over-flowing with ones and the aforementioned pennies. What makes you think that we have the ability to break a 100-dollar bill for you? Better question, while I’m breaking your hundred, would you also like me to bring you a unicorn?

 "Can I get a pickle pop, a Dr. Pepper, Funyons, and 5,000 other empty calories?"

3. When people ask why the pool is dirty

            In case in the many instances where I’ve talked about the pool you didn’t catch that the pool is outdoors, let me repeat: I WORK AT AN OUTDOOR POOL. Yet almost every day, someone (even adults who you think would be smarter than that) comes up to me and asks “why are there so many leaves in the pool?” Uhhhh LOOK THE F@CK AROUND!!! YOU ARE IN NATURE! Instead of saying that, I explain that the wind blows leaves and bugs into the pool and the filter system works to keep that stuff out of there… while repeatedly stabbing myself in the temple.

 "But I just don't understand how those leaves got in there!"

2. When people contribute to the filth in the pool

            Hey, guess what? While I can’t stop the wind from blowing leaves into the pool, we can all stop it from blowing garbage into the pool by… THROWING OUR SHIT AWAY. I know schools are dealing with budget restrictions and from the behavior of kids at the pool, I’m guessing that garbage bins were the first to go in favor of just throwing everything on the ground. Every day after the pool closes I have to walk around wearing gloves (because I’m sure as hell not about to touch anything that has been in a kid’s hand and/or mouth) picking up all their garbage on the ground. Seriously, for every piece of garbage that a kid puts in the garbage, there are about 5 pieces lying on the ground. I’m starting to understand America’s obesity epidemic because apparently every kid is too lazy to walk 5 yards to the garbage can.

 After an average afternoon at the pool

1. Naughty kids

            Come on. You guys know me pretty well by now and my views on children are well established. And if you thought my views of children are harsh, that’s just because you’ve never had to deal with children like THIS. I’ve been lifeguarding for a long time and I’m pretty good at spotting kids doing things wrong. Of course, all kids think they’re fricken genius stealthy criminal masterminds and think I can’t see them. If it wasn’t so annoying, it would be hilarious. Every day there is at least one naughty kid who waits until he/she thinks I’m not watching and then pulls some crap that they know would get them in trouble. Of course, 90% of the time they do this, I see them and yell. If they’ve done this repeatedly, I sit them out in the hopes that the public shame and close proximity to me will ruin their day as much as dealing with them has ruined mine. Normally this just backfires though because I get so annoyed with them sitting that close to me that I let them back in the water after about 3 minutes.

I'm petitioning to get some stocks put in at the pool. That'll teach 'em

Well, that’s it. I mean, there are obviously many, MANY other things that piss me off at work—it is ME, we’re talking about—but that’s all the time we have for now. All I’m saying is, if you hear about some small-town lifeguard going postal and blowing up the pool, don’t even bother reading the news story because it’s probably me.

I Love NY

It's been exactly a month and a day since I graduating and just a little less than a month since I flew out of NY. Not that I don't love South Dakota, but there are certain things I definitely miss (other than my roommates)

Last semester, I had to write a list of the top 10 things I love about NY and the top 10 things I wanted to change. Now, almost a year and a one-way ticket to South Dakota later, I find these are the same things I miss (and the same things I can definitely do without)

Top 10 Things That Need to Change

10. Something needs to be done about the pigeon problem. They are fearless.

9. Agree on a standard price for a piece of pizza. I can’t handle the 2 dollar slices here, 5 dollar slices there thing any longer

8. Cut the wires to the speakers of Fordham Rd shops. I don’t want to hear “Free phone! Free phone! Come inside for a free phone!” at a shockingly high decibel level all day long

7. Make a 3 second honking limit. Those minute long blasts are killing me

6. Do something about fixing the potholes. Any time I’m in a vehicle I feel as though my head is about to go through the roof or I’m taking off on a NASA mission

5. Get rid of horse drawn carriages. Not only do the horses look clinically depressed, the smell of manure doesn’t add to the city’s ambiance.

4. Much like roads are divided into bus lanes and car lanes, split sidewalks into areas for fast walkers and for slow walkers to save us all a lot of time

3. Get some underground cell service. This is the city that never sleeps in the greatest country in the world in the 21^st century and you’re telling me I can’t send a text from 15 ft under the ground?

2. Exterminate the bear-sized subway rats

1. Get rid of the dirty diaper smell that assaults my nostrils while walking the streets

Top 10 Things I Love About New York

10.  The Knicks are good enough to keep things interesting without being good enough to beat the Celtics

Mama Allen talking crap to Spike Lee

9. I can eat food from 10 different countries without leaving the block (although, who am I kidding, I want a burger)

8. I can be serenaded by a jazz trio without having to pay for it in Central Park

7. If someone doesn’t like you, they’re going to tell you—loudly

6. As a pedestrian, streets lights are more like suggestions

5. There’s always the chance that you’ll see someone famous wandering the streets in their best conspicuous-but-pretending-to-be-inconspicuous clothing

4. Multiple locations of Whole Paycheck—wait, I mean Whole Foods

3. Fire escapes make any building look at least 15 times cooler

2. My soul can be saved by a subway preacher in the time it takes to get from 161^st St to Columbus Circle

1. Any time I see a stoop I want to yell “Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave the stoop” and make any number of other Hey Arnold! references

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I’ve had the idea to write down some of the awesome quotes kids say to us at the pool for a really long time but I’ve been hesitant to put them in a blog because I’m not sure how well they’ll translate without actually being able to see the kid. But here goes nothing.

Going on a Trip

Little Andre did not like swimming lessons. Little Andre tried every excuse he could to get out of lessons. Here’s my favorite:

Andre: I have to leave early.

Katie: Why?

Andre: I have to go somewhere.

Katie: Where do you have to go?

Andre: (pause) Away.

Mathematically Challenged

Girl: How much is a candy bar?

Katie: 75 cents.

Girl: Can I get a Twix?

Katie: You only have 50 cents.

Girl: How much do I need?

Katie: 75 cents.

Girl: So I need one more quarter?

Katie: Yes.

Girl: How much are Snickers?

Katie: 75 cents.

Girl: Ok, can I just have a Snickers then?

Big Dreams

Each day, we ask questions during attendance at swimming lessons about the kids to keep them interested. This gem comes from one of Raeann’s classes this week.

Raeann: Jacie, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Jacie: Um. One of those people, you know those people who help people when they get hurt and they go get them. I don’t know what it’s called.

Raeann: You want to help people in ambulances?

Jackie: No. I just want to put them on to ambulances. I want to just be a helper.

Real World Concerns

Some Friday mornings we give pool tours to 4 and 5 year olds who are in Summer Rec’s Safety Town. And during every tour, we stress the importance of having a “fun and safe” time at the pool. After going over pool rules at the end of the tour, I made the mistake of asking the kids if they had any questions.

Girl 1: If—if you—if you push someone on the slippery water they will hit their head and die.

Girl 2: You can never jump in.

Girl 3: Only grown ups can go in the deep.

Boy 1: If you run you can cut your head open.

Katie: Ok. We only have time for one more question.

Boy 2: But what if I don’t have a fun time at the pool?

Favorite Sport

Katie: Jasmine, what’s your favorite sport?

Jasmine: (blank look)

Katie: Jasmine, what’s your favorite sport?

Jasmine: Sport ball.

Katie: What’s sport ball?

Jasmine: I don’t know.

Give it the Old College Try

Sometimes, asking a child nicely to try something can backfire as Heather learned the other day.

Heather: Come on! You can do it! Can you put your face in for me one time?

Child: I would rather not.

Close Guesses

It’s always fun to ask kids how old they think you are. Please note, Raeann and I were 15 and 17, respectively, when this happened.

Raeann: How old do you think I am?

Kid: Um… 27!

Raeann: How old do you think Katie is?

Kid: 12.

Quality or Quantity?

Leeam: I like dolphins.

Lexi: How much do you like dolphins, Leeam?

Leeam: 87.

Quick Fire Questions

Weston: Who killed the radio star?

Leeam: Michael Jackson!

Raeann: What’s your favorite drink?

6 Year Old: Beer.

(Same kid, next day)

Blood!

Weston: Who’s the president of the United States?

Leeam: Abraham Lincoln!

After this all, I’m a little disappointed that these are the only ones I can remember! In the however many endless years I’ve been teaching lessons I know I’ve heard some pretty good statements. For the rest of the summer I vow to write down any and all amusing stories/statements that I hear come out of a kid’s mouth and at the end, we’ll have a “Best of…” blog. Until then, keep your ears open when you’re around children.

Death by Birds

June 4, 2012 (Please note, this is a 100% true story)

Guys. I almost died today.

I always said I wanted to die young (so I didn’t have to deal with old people sicknesses and saggy bodies) but THIS is not what I meant.

The past few days have been some of the most terrifying and stressful days of my life.

I have been targeted for death by a pack of Barn Swallows.

For those of you who are ignorant of Barn Swallows (as I was just a short time ago), they are small blue birds with a yellow underbelly and a long trilling chirp. They build their nests in the rafters of barns and other such things (hence their names).

Oh. And Barn Swallows are huge assholes.

Look at the evil in its eyes

A couple of Swallows built a nest above the clock on the wall of the pool where I work. Because we have children around and the last thing we need is baby birds and bird feces near our pool, the nest was disposed of.

I would like to note that I was NOT the one who knocked the nest down.

But that was the beginning of the end for me.

The next day, the birds began swarming and dive-bombing my head. As Rae and I worked in the guard house with the doors open, the birds began to fly in and out exerting their will and showing their power over us. Each time the birds flew in, Rae and I would run outside stare through the glass as the birds would wreck havoc. At one point, they both perched on a pipe in the ceiling and watched us watching them. And though I have no proof, I’m pretty sure one of them flipped me off then laughed.

I decided I had enough and bravely darted back in the building to shut the doors to keep the birds out while holding a kickboard above my head, wearing sunglasses to protect my eyes from their beaks, and waving a noodle around my head attempting to ward them off. 

The birds were not deterred.

They flew back into the guard house and forced my to hide in my locker (which I shut on myself) as Rae ran shrieking back out the front door.

This is my life now

Shenanigans like this continued steadily for the next few days but the birds didn’t seem to have a problem with anyone else. In fact, everyone else can go around with their regular lives like nothing is different. It's just me (and Rae, but this is MY blog so it’s all about me).

Think I’m joking? Think I’m over exaggerating?

That’s what my coworkers thought too.

Until today.

Today was the day the pool opened for the summer. And the day people started to believe that evil birds intend to kill me and use my body to line their nests.

The day started off well. There was not a bird in sight.

Until I began to walk to the guard chair. Out of nowhere, the two Barn Swallows appeared and began swarming near my head and dive-bombing in my vicinity. Now, I understand if you think this was a coincidence. Maybe I would even agree with you if it didn’t happen at EVERY SINGLE ROTATION ALL AFTERNOON LONG. (For reference, we rotate every twenty minutes from 1 to 5 PM)

Considering that this was going on even without provocation, I decided to steer clear of the guard chair nearest the Swallow nest for as long as I could. I didn't want to give them another reason to hate me. As the afternoon progressed, I watched the other life guards in this chair with relief as each sat there without a bird in sight.

However, the minute I sat in the chair, the birds appeared. They spent about five minutes circling my chair; swooping and bobbing and weaving and causing me to have a heart attack. At some points, they were less than 3 feet from my face.

Apparently, my living in constant fear for the past week wasn’t enough for them and they decided to step up their game. While in the guard house for the evening session, the birds began a relentless attack of swooping into and out of the guard house and flying back and forth in front of the doors at lightening speed effectively blocking the exit and stopping any attempted escape. Later, when I went into the Boys’ Bathroom to clean, I heard shrieks coming from the office which was Rae’s attempt to warn me that one of the birds had flown in after me.

This is the face it makes when it flies at your exposed jugular

I don’t know what I did to piss them off. I don’t know what I can do to pacify them. I cannot stay. I cannot go. I have no thoughts other than escaping the birds.

The birds have won.

This is a home video: