Children... Can't live with 'em, can't put them in a kennel

I believe I’ve made my views on children well known: they are great from a distance or for short periods of time but I do not want one.

I mean, I’m barely able to feed and clothe myself and now you want me to have another smaller, messier, less intelligent version of myself that I have to take care of?

 Mini-me

Uh. No thanks. I’ll just admire yours.

The problem with other people’s children, however, is the fact that they are almost never under control. The other day I was at Subway (because I am so healthy) and there was a small child in sport shorts and cowboy boots basically using the restaurant as a jungle gym.

Excuse me, ma’am, there is a park about a block and a half from Subway. Take your child there or leave him in the car with the window cracked because I’m trying to eat my six-inch sub in peace.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but if I had acted like that when I was a child, my father and I would have had a very serious “Come to Jesus” meeting with a possible spanking.

(Please note, my father only spanked me twice in my entire childhood. My mother never spanked me but she did call me a “little shit” once. I’m still working through that in therapy)

The fact that more and more children are acting this way has led me to the conclusion that we Americans need to step up our game. I’m not suggesting we beat our children or starve them or anything. (Unless they are obese in which case I’m ok with you limiting their diet to a healthy degree)

I just think we need to show kids who’s the boss. Hint: it’s not them.

I’m all for treating kids with respect but you can’t tell me that rationally explaining to a 3-year-old that it is disrespectful to smear their poop on the walls is more effective than a swift spanking followed by a time-out.

Additionally, if your child can’t keep quiet in a restaurant/church/plane/other place filled with people who aren’t children, take them out to teach them a lesson. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a child screaming in church and seen the parents patiently asking them to be quiet or threatening to take them outside. Considering the fact that 10 minutes later the child is still screaming and I’m trying to resist throwing my missal at it like a throwing star, I don’t think it is the most effective method.

 Commandment 11: Thou shalt not slap thy child crying in My house

Speaking of effective methods, I am a strong advocate of leashes for children. I know some people may disagree or think leashes are a step too far, I think they are brilliant and if (God forbid) I have a child, it will be on a leash from the first time it walks until it is 18. Not only are they great at keeping kids out of places they shouldn’t be, but also they are hilarious!

I mean, have you ever seen a child on a leash? It is one of the funniest sights ever.

Sadly, I’ve only ever seen children on leashes walking politely next to their parents but I like to imagine that they have been conditioned to behave that way. Can you imagine seeing a child run to the end of their leashes and thrown back the way dogs are? Or tethered out in the front yard digging in the dirt and rolling around round in dead things?

Better yet, imagine a child wearing a shock collar or dealing with an underground fence. That stuff is comic gold!

So I guess after all that, I’m not sure I actually like the idea of a leash as a means of controlling my child or just like the idea of a child acting like an animal… Either way, if I ever get pregnant, all I want for my baby shower is onesies, diapers, and multiple leashes.

Geez, after re-reading what I just wrote, I’m more convinced than ever that I may not be “mother” material. Also, I’m more convinced than ever that children suck and we should keep them out of public places. And by “public places” I mean “places where I am”

How Medical Shows Ruined My Life

If you read KB Thinks Music this week, you already know my feelings for Grey’s Anatomy. If you haven’t read it yet, well, you’re an asshole.

Anyway, Grey’s Anatomy and other medical shows have absolutely ruined my life.

See, the problem is that to keep viewers interested week after week, the show-runners have to come up with more and more outlandish diseases/medical catastrophes. This leads to me completely rejecting Occam’s Razor.

BOOM: SCIENCE TIMEOUT

Occam’s Razor is the law attributed to Franciscan Friar William of Occam in the 14^th century. In it’s simplest terms: when you have two competing theories, go with the simpler one because it is more likely. Aka when you hear hoof beats, assume horses before zebras.

Phew. Science is boring. Enjoy this funny photo to rejuvenate your mind.

Anyway, as I was saying, after I watch medical shows, I throw Occam’s Razor out of the window. (insert pun about throwing a sharp razor out of the window here). Basically whenever I feel the least bit ill, I assume the worst.

Twinge in the ankle? My Achilles is about to snap!

Bruise on arm? Internal hemorrhaging.

Tingles from falling asleep on the side of my face? Stroke.

Headache? Brain tumor.

Cough? Mono.

Stomach ache? Tropical worms.

As you can see, leaving with all of these various afflictions is really difficult for me. And for my doctor who has repeatedly told me there is nothing wrong with me.

Psht. When I drop dead of the polio and the black lung, we’ll see how stupid he feels.

On the other side, I’ve also become an insufferable know-it-all because of my “medical training.”

KB FACTOID TIMEOUT

I am actually CPR and First Aid certified and can legally operate a defibrillator.

That being said… I am not a doctor.

That’s never stopped me from thinking I’m one, however. Any time I hear of anyone going to the doctor, I immediately ask for their symptoms and give a comprehensive diagnosis and treatment option. Though I’ve never actually been right (I tried to convince my roommate that she had smallpox) I know that some day, someone will be saved when I correctly diagnose them with the Scarlet Fever.

 Had to carry her dead body to the hospital.

If it’s you… You’re welcome in advance.

I think this willingness to diagnose myself and others comes from my distrust of doctors.

Which also comes from TV shows.

I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Grey’s or any other medical show but being a doctor doesn’t really seem to be high on their priority list. They spend most of their time either talking about each other and their problems/relationships or just getting it on in the on-call room… or exam room… or office… or closet.

 Look at that. Grey's Anatomy even promises sex in the opening credits.

Thanks to these shows, I assume that someone has had sex on every surface in every room and my doctor is thinking about the next time he/she is going to get it on rather than focusing on my life threatening leprosy.

I also have a hard time dealing with unattractive doctors. 8 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy has conditioned me into believe that you can only be accepted to medical school if you are extremely attractive. I mean, do I need to mention Patrick Dempsey again?

Patrick Dempsey.

You're welcome

So imagine my disgust when I walk into my doctor’s office and don’t see attractive people in scrubs. I feel like I’m being cheated or something. It’s just the worst.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how shows like Grey’s Anatomy have absolutely completely devastated me and ruined my life.

That and the fact they kill off my favorite characters.

RIP Lexie Grey!!! #neverforget

This was me during the finale last week

Also, I’d like to part with some words of wisdom: Never EVER go to Seattle. Nothing good ever happens there. They have plane crashes, ferry crashes, train crashes, car crashes, street cave-ins, hospital shootings, and an unbelievably high number of rare diseases including the bubonic plague. Seriously. Stay away.

A Salt and Pepper Man

I have a confession to make.

I have a thing for salt and pepper.

I love a silver fox.

Basically what I’m saying is I enjoy older men. (In theory. I would like to publicly state that I am not currently nor have I ever dated an older gentleman. But hey, a girl can dream)

Sue me.

Here’s a few reasons I prefer a Patrick Dempsey to a Zak Efron (other than for the obvious reason that Patrick Dempsey never starred in a Nicholas Sparks movie)

Hey, remember this exact same scene from that other movie?

1. Their children are already grown up

If there is one thing I hate, it is the idea of having to shove an 8 pound slippery bowling ball out of my lady parts. I know it’s the circle of life but that doesn’t mean I need to participate in that circle. (I always identified with Scar more than Simba/Mufasa). With a Salt and Peppa fella, they’ve already had all the kids they want to by the time I get to them. Plus, the children are already grown up and require nothing out of me more than a wine and cheese tray at Christmas.

See you next Christmas. Have a good life. 

2. They have more life experiences

            Not to be that person but they had pretty cool things back in the day. World news like the breaking down of the Berlin Wall. Desert Storm. The Sid and Nancy debacle. They remember when MTV played music instead of promoted STDs and Guidos. They lived when cell phones were still bricks and the internet had pop-up porn ads every three seconds (aka the Good Ole Days). Not to mention, older men have other life experiences (start video at 1:30) uh uh-uh uh.

3. They probably have money

            I’m a fairly to mostly lazy person. I enjoy having things handed to me on a silver platter without having to put in any work to get them. After all, that is the America Dream. And the way I figure it, an older gentleman is already established in life. Rather than starting out in a one room walk-up, I can start my married life in an Upper East Side penthouse. Call me shallow. Call me materialistic. Tell me money isn’t all that matters.

You can talk. Doesn't mean I'm listening. 

Well, I’ll make a deal with you, you keep your morals and your poverty and I’ll take a lifetime of comfort and ease.

Easy-peasy rice and cheesy. (Insert evil laugh here)

4. They’re straight up sexy

            Sorry. Had to be said. And for any guy currently reading this blog, get over it. Scruff and Silver is the way to go.

I'll play doctor with you any time, Patrick Dempsey

Geoffrey Zakarian can cook for me any time.

Yes, I know Ted Allen is gay but still...

Doc Rivers would be a lot more attractive if he could manage to win this playoff series

Jon Stewart is funny, attractive, AND patriotic? Sign me up!

I think you and I can both agree that this blog may not have been up to my usual standards of epicness. Then again, I don’t care. I was going to simply repost an old blog because I’m lazy (see item #3) but my evil roommates forced me to write a new one (without offering any helpful advice). So I pulled this out of thin air and what you see is what you get. If you have a problem with that, take it up with my Salt and Pepper Gentleman. He’ll show you what’s up.

PS please remember this is a joke and I am not in the market for a silver fox (mainly because Patrick Dempsey is married)

PPS don’t forget to come back on Friday for another "KB Loves This.”

New KB Loves This Blog

What?? A new KB blog?

Yep. You read your screens right.

In order to make sure I don't clog up KB Thinks For You, I decided to create a little sister blog dedicated to all things I love.

(Drumroll please....)

KB Loves This

Gay Rights

We need to get real here right now.

I typically avoid being overtly political because I assume any debate I make isn’t going to change your mind just like any debate you make isn’t going to change mine but can we talk about how ridiculous all these bans on gay marriage are?

I’m from South Dakota and I know some of the readers of this blog are also from South Dakota where we aren’t exactly known for social or political liberalism. I’m not here to try to change your minds about everything because I know that’s impossible and we live in a democracy meaning you don’t all have to believe what I believe.

That’s great. That means we can agree to disagree about a lot of things while still loving the same country.

The one thing we absolutely cannot agree on, however, is the second-class citizenship status of a large portion of our residents. Because any way you look at it, banning gay marriage is simply stripping someone of a right everyone else in the country has.

Most people that are opposed to gay marriage will recycle one of three logically ridiculous arguments.

1. God makes it a sin in the bible.

            This is so ridiculous I don’t even know where to begin. The bible also promotes polygamy, slavery, and misogyny. Does that mean all of those are right too? I think most people would agree that those things are morally wrong and the ideas completely outdated. So why, then, hold on to the hatred and fear of gay people?

            How can these people honestly ask me to vote based on a small statement they have taken out of a 2,000 year old book while dismissing other parts of it as no longer relevant to modern life? Let’s not forget the numerous other biblical laws that are no longer observed. Think of the 10 Commandments alone. Am I honestly supposed to believe that every person who uses the bible to back up their bigotry attends church every Sunday? Or has never taken the Lord’s name in vain? Or has never committed adultery (Newt Gingrich)? Yet here these people are using their religion to deny the rights of others.

            Am I the only one who remembers 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love”? Or Matthew 7:10 “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law of the Prophets"? I choose to believe this is what God truly means.

2. The sanctity of marriage needs to be protected

            This argument is similar to the biblical argument but I wanted to address this as something separate. Some people, even nonreligious ones, feel the sanctity of marriage needs to be protected.

            But protected from what? I've never heard an adequate response to this.

            In what possible way is the marriage of a heterosexual couple endangered in the least by the marriage of a homosexual one? Look at that sentence! There are two separate marriages between two separate sets of people. In no way does the union of one have any effect on the union of the other.

            Further, isn’t divorce considered dangerous to the sanctity of marriage? I think if you look at "marriage" and look at "divorce," you can't see divorce as anything BUT threatening to marriage's sanctity. Yet divorce rates are through the roof in this country and no one is making any motion to have divorce outlawed due to its danger to marriage.

3. The country was founded on marriage as being between a man and a woman

            Much like the bible, the country was also founded on slavery and the denial of voting rights to women and minorities.

The Constitution was written by revolutionary men who wanted to create a country that fit the needs of its people. The very Declaration of Independence states, “That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.” This clearly shows that the founders—who’s supposed "vision" so many people quote—based this country on the idea that the nation could, and should, change to fit the needs of its people and the demands of the age. Attempting to live by an 18^th century code is as ridiculous and outdated as attempting to use a horse and wagon as a primary means of transportation.

And, of course, the part that most people conveniently leave out is the most famous line: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men.”

            Look at that. The government’s purpose, according to the founders, is to make sure that these unalienable rights are secured. Instead, these are the very rights that are being taken away in state after state.

            How can we, as Americans, continue to claim that our country believes in equality when a good portion of our residents don’t even have the most basic right: the right to live a full and happy life LEGALLY with the person of their choosing?

            It doesn’t matter if you are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered, straight, or anything else that defines you according to who you have sex with. We are all People and as People, we should always be concerned when our fellow People are told they aren’t worthy. Are told they are second-class. Are told their fates have been decided by others.

            At the end of the day it doesn’t even matter if you personally think being gay is wrong or gross or whatever. It matters that you know YOUR personal view should not responsible for depriving another person of the same rights you enjoy.

            And for those of you waiting to tell me how wrong I am or that my opinion will send me to Hell, bring it on. You can judge me and my support of the LGBT community right up until the day I die.

            But then God will take over and He knows much better than either you or I and I, at least, refuse to believe He created a whole group of people that He did not love.

I know this was a huge departure from anything I’ve done on this blog before but I didn’t feel like I could remain silent in good conscience. I don’t know if I changed any minds today or just succeeded in pissing off a bunch of people. Either way, it’s not important. This is an important issue and I hope that you take the time to talk to other people about it.

If you're at all interested, please check out the Human Rights Campaign and then read this letter on the importance of Straight Allies from one of the members of fun.

KB Loves This: Robyn

I’m proud to present a new section of “KB Thinks For You” called….wait for it…”KB Loves This”

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every Friday I will be posting something that I love at the moment. Let’s be honest, I have impeccable taste in just about everything. So trust me.

There are really no limitations on “KB Loves This.” It can be music, movies, food, television, books, etc. Basically whatever I feel like.

Oh, and don’t worry. There will still be your weekly Wednesday “KB Thinks For You.” This is just an added incentive to help you get through the week.

Now for our first ever “KB Loves This”

Drumroll please….

ROBYN!!!

I know I already posted one of her videos a few weeks ago but I’m still loving it. Fair warning, she is something of an acquired taste that some people just can’t handle (*cough* Lexi *cough*) but you’ll be missing because she is the self-proclaimed “most killingest pop star on the planet.”

Let me tell you how it be, check out these songs and then you’ll see

Also, shout out to Devin for suggesting "KB Loves This." You're currently my favorite roommate. Tara and Michele, you're running out of time. Better step it up.

That Time Of Year Again...

Well, as we all know, my birthday is rapidly approaching. And I don’t trust any of you to pick out my birthday presents. Luckily, this is a special edition of KB Thinks For You in which I will be thinking of birthday presents from you to me.

You’re welcome.

1. World Peace

            I put this on my list because it’s kind of expected. I mean, if someone ever asks you what you would change if you could, you’re supposed to say “World Peace.” Luckily for me, however, you really can’t get me World Peace. Thank God. I mean, what am I going to do with World Peace? Plus, it’s not like there is a return policy on World Peace. Still, I thought it would be nice of me to ask for World Peace because it makes me look like a really good person who cares about others. Haha, yeah right.

2. A Celtics Championship

            Before you tell me that it isn’t possible to guarantee me a win, I want you guys to step outside of the box and think big. Did Tonya Harding decide to just sit back and let the better skater win? No! She had her boyfriend take a crowbar to Nancy Kerrigan's leg to make sure she couldn’t win. That’s the kind of go-getter attitude I’m looking for. Now… I’m not suggesting any of you take a crow bar to any NBA player’s leg… I’m sure a regular piece of pipe or a chain or something would do the trick too. I’m really not picky. Also, I’d prefer if you take down both LeBron and Wade because they annoy me but let Chris Bosh be. After all, he is the only human/dinosaur/ostrich mix so I think he’s on the endangered species list.

3. New Roommates

            I know I only have three weeks left living with these heathens but I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I’ve been writing a diary for the last three weeks every night with things like “HELP ME” and “I’M SO SCARED” and “I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.” You think I’m exaggerating? I’m NOT.

This is a picture I took of myself last night. Just in case I didn't make it to the morning

The other day, Roommate A started listening to THIS song on repeat. Not only is it now stuck in my head but… when it gets to the “back it up beep, beep like a trucker” SHE BACKS IT UP ON TO ME! I shower 15 times a day to get her dirt off me but I can’t scrub the memory from my mind.

Last weekend was Spring Weekend meaning we had an awesome concert, courtesy of Jay Sean paid for with our tuition money. Also, when I say “awesome” I mean “nooooooooooooooo.” While at this outdoor concert, Roommate B began groping my buttocks in public. I know I have an irresistible body but it’s just not appropriate in public. After that, people in the crowd looked at me as if I was a fallen woman. (Fallen woman? Kind of like Michele always “falling” on her knees. BOOM)

Finally, Roommate C has consistently tried to kill me throughout the year. She knows I have sensitive teeth (because of my cavities/unhealthy Mountain Dew consumption). Yet my roommate always brings home sweet foods and FORCES me to eat them. She then points and laughs as I cringe in pain and curl up on the floor sobbing in pain. Damn you and your Girl Scout cookies!

4. A Lifetime Supply of Mountain Dew

            Frankly I’m offended that no one has already bought this for me (Mom and Dad, I’m looking at you. You really dropped that ball on this one). Also, on a somewhat related note, if anyone would like to buy me unlimited dental visits and/or dentures that would be greatly appreciated.

 I want this in my house

I think that’s about it. I mean, cash is always appreciated. Or you could donate to my favorite charity One Laptop Per Child.

Hahahaha just kidding. What a joke. “Hey kids. I know you don’t have food or clean drinking water and you will probably be kidnapped and forced to be a child soldier but here’s a cool green laptop! Why don’t you create a facebook page for yourself or something?”

All birthday joking aside, here are some legitimately good foundations to help make a difference.

The Water Project

UNICEF

AidDarfur