How Food Network Ruined My Life

I’ve got a food related confession to make.

No, assholes, I’m not confessing my bulimia to you (You’ll have to tune into my episode of True Life for that).

I am addicted to Food Network and it’s ruining my life.

Here’s how.

1) Eating At Restaurants

            There are numerous shows on Food Network that seem to exist for the sole purpose of destroying your appetite and making you afraid to eat at restaurants. (I’m looking at you Restaurant Impossible and Restaurant Stakeout) But no single show has turned me off from restaurants more than Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. It’s not that the food looks bad (in fact, it always looks delicious) or that the places look unsanitary. It’s simply that the host of “Triple D” is one of my least favorite people on the planet. Seriously. If you were to look up “Douche Bag” in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure it would just have a picture of Guy Fieri next to it. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that I hate the most about him: the jewelry, sweat bands, baggy shorts, bowling shirts, skate-boarding shoes, backwards sun glasses, or the hair. Wait, scratch that. I think it’s definitely the hair. And now, whenever I’m in a restaurant, I’m terrified that Guy Fieri has been there before me and I’ll find little chunks of gelled, peroxide bleached hair in my food. These are the fears that keep me up at night.

I don't want THAT anywhere near my food

2) Birthday Cake is Ruined for Me

            I use to love cake. In fact, during Cross Country season in high school I made about one cake a week. But now, it’s ruined for me. Thanks a lot Duff & co at Charm City Cakes from the fabulous show Ace of Cakes. Now, when I see cakes in person, all I can think is, “eh I’ve seen better.” When I see some weak-ass sheet cake, my mind flashes back to numerous episodes where Duff and the gang made ridiculously sweet (pun intended) cakes. Then I sit there, depressed, chewing on my own, not-as-good cake. #firstworldproblems. Also, I know the people who made my cake aren’t having as much fun as the stoners at Charm City Cakes and it makes me sad for them.

 Seriously. That's a CAKE they made. A CAKE

Don't try to tell me they aren't all high. Just look at Geof

3) Unrealistic Sexual Expectations

            Now if you’re thinking to yourself, “I thought we were talking about food. What do sexual expectations have to do with that?” then you’ve clearly never watched an episode of the Down Home with the Neelys. That show is filled with filthy sexual innuendos courtesy of Pat and Gina Neely. Not that I have a problem with people getting down and dirty (especially if they’re married, I mean, good for them for keeping the magic alive) but it is almost impossible to watch this show without wanting to take a shower after. Pat and Gina basically use their show as extended foreplay and it is very uncomfortable (or very hot, if you’re into that sort of thing) for the viewers. Now, whenever I’m in the kitchen, I’m half expecting some big black guy to come hit on me (or Latino or White or Asian. I don’t see in colors. #trayvonmartin Seriously, please check this out.)

 "Join us in the kitchen as we make you feel uncomfortable"

4) Levels of Pretension on the Rise

            If you’ve ever watched Food Network, you know how important it is to be pretentious. I’m actually about 87% sure that before you get a job on the network, you need to be able to show you are insufferably arrogant. Considering the fact that I’m already insufferably arrogant, Food Network has just completely ruined me. Although I know less than nothing about food, after watching Food Network, I go around talking about how “the balance between flavors was off” or “the plating of the meal looked decidedly amateurish” or "they should have used some sweet element to cut the bitterness of the dish.” Unsurprisingly, people at McDonald’s don’t seem to care.

 If you don't have anything nice to say... say it on national television

5) Unrealistic Ideas of My Own Cooking Abilities

            Possibly my favorite shows on Food Network are Chopped, Sweet Genius, and Iron Chef. The basic premise of these shows is that contestants are given random ingredients and a limited amount of time in which too cook. Then, their dishes are critiqued by expert chefs and the contestants are made to feel like crap about themselves and their abilities. The crazy thing is, though, the people on these shows are so skilled that they makes some crazy awesome stuff out of ingredients that they’ve never even heard of before and ingredients that shouldn’t be mixed together. Unfortunately, I do not possess these same skills. That doesn’t stop me from trying, though. “Let’s see what we’ve got here… some cow tongue, quince paste, Havarti cheese, and BBQ potato chips? Oh, I bet I can make something awesome out of this.” False. You can’t.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Food Network has ruined my life. Although, I will say that it has not lessened my appetite in anyway. In fact, it’s increased my appetite. Yesterday I had 3 whole wheat thins AND a grape! Next thing you know, I’m going to balloon up to 85 pounds.