The Scariest Time of the Year... For Your Soul

It’s October 12. That means you have exactly 19 days to get ready for Halloween and I’m here to help.

I personally don’t celebrate Halloween (because it is a Satanic holiday that encourages people to go around in disguises wreaking havoc, sacrificing animals, and having orgies) but hey, I’m not here to judge you if that’s how you like to spend your day.

Not my style 

I’d also like to take this moment to point out that 364 days of the year we encourage children to stay away strangers and never ever ever accept treats from them but on Halloween we send them off to go from stranger’s door to stranger’s door literally begging for candy. Also, can I point out that our children say “trick or treat?” What does that mean? Are they offering to perform “tricks” for candy? Remember the “tricks” Julia Roberts did in Pretty Woman? Is that really what we want our kids doing for candy (candy which will lead them to a life of obesity and/or diabetes)?

 The future of America

However, if you still want to celebrate this demonic holiday, I’ve got some tips for you to make it the best holiday-that-will-potentially-(probably)-send-you-to-hell.

1.     Dress to impress

I know that Halloween is October 31 meaning almost November. There is a good chance that it’s going to be pretty f-ing cold. However, if you are a girl, that can’t matter. Everyone knows that Halloween means SLUT.IT.UP. If you are wearing more clothing than the average male swimmer, you’re doing it wrong.

 Girls: think something like this... but more revealing

2.     Get Candy

So, I know our nation is currently being smothered by the weighty pressure of the obesity epidemic and I’ll be the first person to tell you to eat healthy and exercise (even if I wont) but… It’s Halloween. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that carrots or pretzels or any other kind of health food will be eaten by these little fat asses waddling or rolling their way from house to house. They are getting Twix at the house before yours and Snickers at the one after, throwing your health food into the bushes in the meantime.

 Give him what he wants

3.     Go big or go home

You need to decide right now what kind of a person you want to be. You can either decorate your house to high heaven (or hell, since that’s where you will be going) or don’t decorate your house at all. Don’t half ass it. I expect your house to look like that creepy house from every horror movie ever made—you know the house that the people go in even though we all know that the crazy serial killer lives there? Or else don’t decorate it at all. Just don’t do that crap where you put one cobweb by your door and a half-ass jack-o-lantern on your steps.

 Pathetic

4.     Be safe

Fact: More children are abducted on Halloween than any other day of the year… combined (please note, this is not a real fact. I clearly don’t care enough about this blog to proof read it, let alone look up real statistics) Also, more STDs are spread on Halloween than any other holiday (see previous note). Let’s all be safe.

Parents: check your children’s candy for razor blades and roofies and anything else that doesn’t belong in your child’s mouth.

Children: don’t go into sketchy people’s houses/vans/etc.

Sexually active ladies/gentlemen: just because someone is dressed up as someone other than themselves doesn’t mean they don’t have all the diseases they have in their everyday life. The sexy nurse still has herpes and Captain America is dealing with a nasty case of the clap. Use protection. Or better yet, use good judgment and don’t hook up with some random person after knowing them for less than an hour.

This wont end poorly...