The Answers are Somewhere... Just Around the Riverbend

I am extremely proud of my taste in music, books, and movies (not so much in television *cough* Ghost Adventures *cough*). I will look for any excuse to bring up the fact that Ayn Rand is one of my favorite authors (and my philosophical soul-mate). Favorite vocalist of all-time? Billie Holiday. And—honest to God—one of my favorite movies is Gone With the Wind.

Guilty pleasure

I also know ridiculous random facts that no one should know off the top of their heads. For instance, a guy named Wright wrote an entire book called Gadsby without using the letter “e.” Audrey Hepburn always wore shoes at least a size and a half too big. The first male-on-male kiss on a scripted series was in season 3 of Dawson’s Creek.

Television history, yo

All of this wasn’t meant to be a humble brag. I’m flat out telling you that I’m awesome.

But, nothing—absolutely nothing—has taught me more or had a larger influence on my life than Disney’s cinematic masterpiece: Pocahontas.

Considering the fact that I started this blog with the credo “the only things you’ll ever need to know from the only person who knows them all,” I figured I should share some of my knowledge from Pocahontas.

3. Impossible body standards should not be Discouraged but Embraced

            Listen, I’m so sick of hearing that people should accept their bodies. What kind of ridiculous crap is that? Since when do we accept bad things about ourselves? “I’m an meth addict but I accept that about myself.” “I’m an abusive husband but I accept that.” “I have a gigantic tumor on my ball sack but I accept it so it’s not a problem.”

Let’s face it; we are genetically designed to hate ourselves. I have spent the last 12 years of my life trying to get a body like Pocahontas and I have never looked better. I’m currently rocking a 50-inch bust, 15-inch waist, and 43-inch hips and people tell me that I look completely proportional.

 Perfectly proportional

Long story short, Pocahontas had both Kocoum and John Smith falling all over themselves trying to get with her (they both had awesome bodies too. Guys, work on that). Let’s all just make a pact right now that we will try our hardest to try to get these bodies.

I'd tap that 

2.Bilingualism is easy

            Do you remember that awesome scene where both Pocahontas and John Smith can understand each other after only 30 seconds of communication failures? I sure do. It’s one of my favorite scenes because it taught me that the reason I haven’t mastered any other languages wasn’t because I was too lazy and unmotivated but because I simply wasn’t listening with my heart.

 Why didn't I have language classes like this?

See, all Pokey has to do is close her eyes as purple, pink, and orange leaves swirl around her head and she can suddenly understand and speak flawless English (also, if it’s cold enough for there to be leaves falling off the trees, shouldn’t Pokey and Kocoum be wearing more than loincloths?).

Maybe, if we all just close our eyes and listen with our hearts (and wear loincloths?) we too can speak other languages without difficulty.

1. Never take a bullet for someone

            For some unknown, completely ridiculous notion, our society has glorified heroism and selflessness and that’s all fine and dandy but let’s get real, no good comes from taking a bullet for someone. Selfishness wins every time, right, Ayn Rand?

 So I'm selfish. Does it look like I give a f@ck?

John Smith takes a bullet for Chief Powhatan at the end of the movie. This seems like a good move in the short term: he still gets the girl, he stops the Indian-Settler War before it starts, and Powhatan gives him his awesome raccoon cape thing for the boat ride home.

 To be honest, Powhatan doesn't even look that grateful

But let’s look at the long term. In Pocahontas 2 (which, by the way, is one of the worst movies ever made) the settlers and Indians are all dying and fighting amongst each other, John loses Pokey to John Rolf, and is generally a huge asshole. And, if you want to talk real world consequences, the Indians were still overrun by the settlers and their race was basically stomped out or smothered by smallpox infested blankets (too soon?).

 Awkward question: why is Pocahontas white now?

Basically what I’m trying to say is, if you want to jump in front of a bullet for me, fine. In fact, I appreciate it. Just don’t expect me to do the same (because I have common sense, intelligence, survival instincts, etc.)

Well, there you have it. All the important messages of Pocahontas condensed into a 2 minute read.

Wait… this took you longer than 2 minutes to read? Wow… that’s really embarrassing. Now you look like an asshole.

Oh, and one more thing: if anyone wants, they can buy me either a really cool raccoon named Meeko or a polar bear named Diego.

I want one