KB's Career Day

Yes… I will be a senior  in college this year

Also, yes… I am aware I look like I’m 12 years old

No… I have no idea what I’m going to do when I graduate

And yes… If I get asked what I’m going to do one more time, I’m going to go Britney-Spears-circa-2007 crazy

But, since I know I will continue to be asked, I’ve decided to narrow down my list to three possible career paths and three “no-way-in-hell” career paths.

On my ABSOLUTELY NOT list are:

1.     A customer service representative

This should be pretty self-explanatory. Anyone who knows me knows I am the absolute worst choice for any sort of job that requires being nice to people and listening to their problems. After some serious soul-searching, I think I know why this is a) I am not a nice person and b) I really don’t care about your problems. Phew… that was really difficult for me to admit but I’m glad I got it off my chest. Now, go talk to someone who cares.

2.     A politician

Now, I may be a manipulative, egocentric, amoral bitch buuuuut I’m NOT as low as a politician. Right? RIGHT? Not to mention the fact that in order to get anything done in a democracy you have to compromise and work together… neither of which are part of my skill set.

3.     A member of Guy Fieri’s entourage

I love the Food Network. And I mean I really LOOOOVE the Food Network. I eat up (pun intended) Paula Dean’s disgusting over-use of butter, Rachel Ray’s ridiculously raspy voice (say that 3 times fast), the Neely’s not-so-subtle sexual innuendos, and Ina Garten’s never ending supply of denim shirts and gay best friends. BUT. I cannot—will not—never will—like Guy Fieri. I dislike everything from his perma-bleached/perma-spiked hair to his skateboarder shoes. From his bowling shirts to his over-long shorts. From his cheesy jewelry to his sweatbands. From his backwards sunglasses to his backwards… Especially his backwards sunglasses. Let’s just leave it at this: if I were a member of his entourage, he would either be forced to become a contributing member of society or… he would end up dead (either choked to death by one of his many chains or dropped into a large vat of grease supplied by one of the many establishments on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives)

Now onto my POSSIBLE list:

1.     Mountain Dew taste tester

Being the fine beverage maker that it is, I assume Mountain Dew has people on staff who’s only job is to test the quality of the product. Why not make it someone who has been endorsing Mountain Dew for free for the last decade? It’ll be a nice “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” situation. They get to hear how amazing their product is AND I get paid to drink it! Win-win-lose (the “lose” is for my already dangerously low bone density) Representatives of Mountain Dew who are undoubtedly reading this… I’ll be waiting for your call.

2.     Airline Stewardess

I love flying. I love going new places. I love wearing a uniform because it means I don’t have to pick out clothes every day. I love making announcements over intercoms. And, I love allowing small amounts of authority go to my head. It sounds as though I was born to be a flight attendant. Not to mention the fact that if you piss me off, I could just “accidentally” run over your foot with that heavy drink cart.

3.     Dark Lord (technically “Dark Lady” but that doesn’t have the same ring)

I’ve given this a lot of thought and I think this is really the only possible career path open to me. What does someone do when they have unsurpassed intelligence, an unquenchable thirst for power, and the need for minions? They become Dark Lords, of course! I figure I’ve already got everything I need (except for an evil laugh which I’m currently working on). I’ve just got to go out there and carpe diem or rather, carpe mundum (seize the universe).

Well, there you have it. Next time, instead of asking what I’m going to do when I graduate, ask me something interesting, like “what do you consider to the be the single greatest development in human psychology in the last 50 years?” or “how many Mountain Dews have you had today?”

My answers might surprise you.

For instance, I have had zero Mountain Dews today. Then again, I only woke up 15 minutes ago…