FYI, yes, I am aware the title is a redundant statement.
Now, not to be one of those pretentious assholes who says, “you haven’t heard music until you’ve listened to it on vinyl” buuuut… you really haven’t heard music until you’ve listened to it on vinyl. (Seriously, listening to Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” on vinyl is like dropping acid with angels at Disney World)
During the past year I’ve started hoarding all the albums I can get my hands on and listen to them in my free time (the whole time patting myself on the back and thinking how superior I am to all my peers who listen on their ipod).
Anyway, these records have got me thinking about other things that could be made better by going back to their original form.
Take cars for instance. Cars now have rear-view cameras, GPS, fingerprint locks, self-parallel parking capabilities, engine starting from 100 ft away, hands-free cell phone capability, and more!
Um… last time I checked, that is not a car; that’s a F-ING SPACE SHIP.
Until I have been trained by NASA, I am not going near one of those cars because I am pretty sure it’s a robot designed to destroy the human race (am I the only one who’s seen Transformers??) What ever happened to those old school cars that did nothing other than go forward, go backward, or sit on cinderblocks on the front yard? That’s the kind of car I want. Or one of those cars from way back in the day that you had to crank to start. If you slipped up at all, it would shatter your arm. Plus, there was always the possibility the engine might spontaneously explode. How much fun would that be? Like an adult version of Jack in the Box with an added element of danger.
To go even further back; what about outdoor activities for children? I will be the first to admit that some video games are awesome. Guitar Hero is epic. Just Dance has me moonwalking like Michael Jackson (albeit a mentally disabled and rhythmically challenged MJ). Grand Theft Auto makes me want to steal cars and shoot hookers. But maybe we should head back to the days where kids spent their time outside building tree houses, catching frogs and lightning bugs, and getting blistering sunburns.
You don’t see children outside anymore and when you do, they look like sickly albino creatures from Lord of the Rings who can’t look directly at the sun. If a video game playing child ventures out in the sun for more than 30 seconds, he must immediately be taken to the hospital to deal with 3rd degree burns, severe dehydration, and overexertion. Let’s change that! Force kids to go outside for a few minutes everyday. Like puppies, they can scratch on the screen door when they’re ready to come back in. And I say, if the kids wont go outside voluntarily, let’s put them in a corral and work them like cattle. I’m not saying we have to brand them and tag them but… I’m not saying “no” to that either…
Lastly, the most important thing I want to bring back is human intelligence. Yes, there are still some people out there who are intelligent (me), but there are many, many more people who aren’t (you). Let’s go back to the time when achievements of the mind were celebrated, rather than hidden in the dark corners of the Ivy’s. I think our society has officially reached the point when more people can name the Kardashian clan than the Brontë sisters. More people can identify Rebecca Black’s “Friday” than Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. More people can tell you who Snooki is than explain who Harriet Tubman was.
What a sad commentary on American society.
But what an awesome opportunity for me to showcase my astounding intelligence!
Anyway, while Justin Timberlake works to continually bring sexy back, I’ll be working to make the world a better place by bringing back much more important things.
Like your dignity.
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