Life's Unanswerable Questions

Questions

In 1963, Bob Dylan asked a number of unanswerable, philosophical questions in “Blowin’ In the Wind.”

Today, I ask more.

1. Why is it that homeschooled children are almost always pasty white? Wouldn’t you think they would have plenty of spare time to go outside and soak up some rays? People always say that homeschooled children have a hard time fitting in the real world because they have no social skills but I believe it is because their skin is simply so bright that it is painful to look directly at them.

2. Why is it that the people who make their Facebook statuses inspirational messages—that I can only assume they found on the inside of a Dove chocolate wrapper—are the same people who constantly update their status about how upset they are? One day the status will be “Life isn’t the about the amount of breaths you take but the amount of moments that take your breath away” and their status the very next day will be “ugh… wishing u would call! Y do I always wait for u when u only hurt meeee? L” (it should be noted that this isn’t directed at one person; rather 90% of female Facebook users under the age of 22) Do these inspirational statuses not inspire you enough? Do you simply not understand the actual meaning of the inspirational status? Or is there a negative correlation between writing inspirational statuses and actual physical happiness? Because, if so—considering the fact I have never said anything inspirational, let alone posted it on Facebook—I should be a fricken Prozac commercial.

3. How do two ugly parents produce a cute child? And on the same note, how do two beautiful parents make an ugly kid? Is it karma? Do two ugly’s cancel out and make a pretty and vice versa? Is there a way we can set up an exchange program and put all the ugly kids with the ugly parents and cute kids with pretty parents? (And for those of you saying “all babies are cute!” I ask you to go look at your own baby pictures and see just how wrong you are)

4. Why, after years of shows like “What Not To Wear,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and all the other makeover shows, do people still insist on wearing socks with sandals? Either it's warm enough for sandals or it's cool enough for socks. Not both. Or male above-the-knee jorts? Or any form of fanny-pack (with the exception of my friend Heather who can pull off the Sturgis Rally gear-with-fanny pack look better than anyone I know)

5. Lastly, and most importantly; what if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it’s all about?

I would like to close this post with an inspirational message:

If life gives you lemons; make lemonade;

If life gives you trees; lay in their shade;

If life gives you meaningless metaphors that have no real-world applications… well, at least you’ll always have KB Thinks For You to tell you what to do.