And by “lazy,” I mean, “dead tired”
One of my friends asked me to try the Insanity workout today and I am so exhausted that I can barely string together a coherent sentence, let alone a whole blog! (And obviously, my only reason for saying this is so that everyone knows that I’m doing Insanity and therefore knows how awesome and hardcore I am.)
So, I’ve instead decided to post something from the vaults; one of my awesomely instructive children’s stories. Enjoy.
THE LITTLEST PRINCESS
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away and long a go forgotten, there lived a King and a Queen. They were very happy for they lived in a prosperous kingdom, had many friends, and lived in a time of peace. The only thing that could make them happier is if they had children. But, alas, the Queen had a hostile uterus and the King had a dangerously low sperm count so they thought they would never have children.
But, one day, as the Queen sat alone in the garden, a flower opened and spoke to her. It said, “You shall have the perfect child that you have always wished for but you shall also have six worthless daughters who will bring nothing but a headache.” Then the flower withered up and died.
In due time, the flower’s prophecy was fulfilled and the Queen gave birth to seven beautiful daughters. Each day the girls grew more and more beautiful. But none were more beautiful than the Littlest Princess. Even though the littlest Princes was the most beautiful princess and the favorite child of the King and Queen, she idolized her older sisters and worked to be just like them. This was not very wise of the littlest Princess, however, because they were the six terrible daughters the flower had warned of.
The eldest princess was the greediest person on the planet. Whenver she went shopping, she bought everything in the store just so she would have it and no one lese could. The eldest princess’s greed extended to food also. At every meal, the eldest princess would eat until she was sick and soon her weight passed that of a baby elephant. One day, as the princess was eating a whole chicken, the wishbone was lodged in her throat and she choked and died. And so the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Moderation.
The second princess was always in a hurry and never had time to do anything properly. She constantly drove her horse through the village at such a fast pace that she would run over children playing and old people crossing the street. One day, all the princesses decided to go swimming in the moat. However, the second princess had just eaten. The other princesses warned her to wait an hour before swimming but she was too impatient. The minute she hopped into the water, she got a cramp and sunk to the bottom where she was eaten by an alligator. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Patience.
The third princess was the meanest person on earth. All she thought of was herself and she constantly bullied others. Her favorite thing to do was ride through the village and mocking ginger children for their red hair, freckles, and soul-less-ness. One day, as she rode through the village torturing gingers, a giant ginger came out and stepped on her and she died. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Kindness.
The fourth princess was the most promiscuous girl in the world. Instead of having three meals a day, she liked to have 3 men a day. The fourth princess also liked to dress like a prostitute and typically wore nothing more than fishnets and a tank top. One day, as the princess walked outside, the sun began to shine so brightly that the princess’s skin simply melted off for lack of covering. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Modesty.
The fifth princess was the stupidest girl in the world. The Princess would constantly get lost in the castle and forget how to find her way back. Sometimes she would go missing for days before they would find her in a corner; shriveling away because she was too stupid to feed herself. One day, she ordered a coffee from McDonalds’ but didn’t read the warning label about Hot Liquids. She poured the hot coffee all over herself and died instantly from third degree burns. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of Intelligence.
The sixth princess was incredibly smart but also very cunning. She often made deals with people then backed out or stabbed them in the back. One day, she backed out on a deal with a crack whore who snapped and killed the sixth princess with her rusty switch-blade. And so, the Littlest Princess learned the virtue of trustworthiness.
And now, the King and Queen had the perfect child they had always wished for and the three of them lived happily for many years until the King and Queen died of old age. Then, the Littlest Princess became the Wisest Queen and people came from across the land to see their Queen’s goodness and beauty. And when the Wisest Queen finally died, her daughter became Queen (although the daughter was a manic-depressive, meth addict who put the country into massive amounts of debt and started numerous wars which eventually lead to the downfall of the country)
And they all lived happily ever after.
Fin.
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