The Great Flood of 2011

Official Disclaimer: this is a (feeble) attempt at humor. This is not meant to mock anyone affected by the flood or belittle what is a very serious situation. Instead I hope to lighten the mood and maybe bring a smile to all your sunburned and sore faces (I’m not sure if your faces are actually sore but I’m sure every other part of your body is).

By the way, today’s topic is obviously the flood in Pierre, which has been the only topic of conversation around town for the last week (seriously, no one even commented on my new hair cut!).

Some of you may not know what I’m talking about. If you live in Pierre; pull your head out of your ass, pry yourself off your lazy boy, look at the river (which is probably 3 ft away from your door), then go help someone sandbag, move, build a levee, or make food for the people who aren’t wastes of space like yourself.

For those of you not in here and not aware, my beautiful hamlet of a town, Pierre, SD (pronounced like “pier”, not French “Pierre”) sits right below the Oahe Dam. Apparently God is getting angry at America’s newfound fascination with Guidos and pregnant teenagers so He has decided to absolutely bombard us with snow and rain resulting in ridiculously high water levels that will cover a good portion of our town and the town across the river (creatively named “Fort Pierre”). Now, basically our whole town is working our asses off sandbagging homes, building giant dirt levees, and moving furniture (for those of you on the East coast, “work” means doing hard physical labor with your body).

Now, I’ve seen a lot of great stuff in the past week with the community banding together to help each other but let’s all talk about some things that people can do to help more:

1.     If you have a truck, use it to haul sandbags for people. You can get pre-filled sandbags at anyone of the filling stations around town. Also, instead of sitting in your truck complaining how long it takes to get bags filled, go out and help the National Guard fill them! (I don’t blame you for not wanting to work with some of the Women’s Prisoners though. One of them licked her lips at me and told me she wanted to make me her bitch)

2.     If you have any space in your home or garage, offer it to someone who needs to move! You can even go one step further and offer up your despised sibling’s room as storage space too. If he or she complains, tell them to quit being so selfish and they can sleep on the couch until the emergency has passed.

3.     Don’t be an idiot. This is something you should strive to do every day but now more than ever. Law enforcement officials (fancy name for “police officers”) already have their hands full with this flood so don’t make it harder for them i.e. don’t go down and play in the parks that are closed. They’re closed for a reason so don’t go down to look at the water. You’ll end up getting sucked up by the current and the police will have to dredge the river for your body when their time could be better spent helping the town.

Now that we’ve touched on ways to help, let’s talk about things that are about as far from “helpful” as you can get:

1.     Don’t drive through effected areas like you’re on a leisure drive. People working to sandbag their houses are not animals in a zoo to be looked at for your amusement. Either take your leisure drive off a cliff or pull your car over, haul your massive body out of your vehicle, pick up a shovel and help. If you’re too old, too young, or have some legitimate medical excuse, just stay out of the way. We are going to have high water pretty much all summer so you will have plenty of time to take a scenic row boat tour through town later.

2.     If you are lucky enough not to be directly effected by the flood, don’t pretend you can understand what people who are effected are feeling. Also, don’t act like your problems are anywhere near as serious as theirs. For instance “I can’t believe I can’t play beach volleyball for two months” is NOT equivalent to “My house is underwater”

3.     Don’t blame the Corps, the City, the State, or any other group of people for the flood. Basic math: a lot of precipitation plus a limited amount of space in lakes and rivers equals flooding. In fact, Oahe was completely empty right now and water was flowing into it at the current rate and we were releasing the regular amounts of water, we would be in this situation again in less than 3 months. This isn’t some government conspiracy or giant cover up; there was simply no way to know this much water was coming. If you are looking for someone to blame, blame God. Oh wait, that’s blasphemy, right? Well then, keep your mouths shut and go grab a shovel.

4.     Don’t listen to every piece of gossip you hear and repeat it to other people. I have heard many ridiculous rumors including (but not limited to)

a. the flood is being caused by dams further South of us who are refusing to accept our water

b. the dam is going to burst

c. that the flood will mix with toxic waste and create mutant walleye that will take over the town and make us their slaves.

None of these are true. Except the last one.

Lastly, let’s remember, we’re all part of this community. Let’s band together. Help our neighbors out.

Don’t worry, I’m not just talking the talk; I’m walking the walk. I’ll be leading community-wide singings of Kumbuya—at the bottom of the lake that used to be our town.