Since the Pierre City Pool is STILL NOT OPEN due to the fact there are a few tiny puddles in Pierre (and by that I mean the town is only accessible by submarines and scuba gear) I’ve been thinking of all the things about lifeguarding that I miss.
Getting a tan.
Getting paid to sit on my butt all day.
Getting the opportunity to yell—loudly—at children.
Basically everything else sucks—especially my coworkers who are miserable excuses for human beings.
This is the absolute definitive list of the top five ways to piss me off at the pool
1. Yelling, “Hey lifeguard! WATCH THIS!”
If you yell that at me, I will be watching you… through the scope of a rifle. I will watch you take 5 minutes to prepare yourself for the epic leap you are about to take (aka a 4ft tall kid jumping in 3ft of water). I will watch you finally jump and immediately bounce to the top of the water where you will take huge gasping breaths (you have no idea how much going under water for 2 seconds wears you out!). I will then watch you claw at your eyes trying to individually pick every. last. drop. of water off of your face. I will then watch you “swim” to the wall (which is only 2 ft away). This will take about 5 minutes during which time you will burn 5,000 calories flailing your arms all over the place and only move about 3 inches. I will then watch you attempt to lift your body out of the pool (you will give up after 3 attempts and use the ladder). I will then watch you look up at me with huge eyes and screech “did you see that?” to which I will say either “sweet,” “awesome,” or “cool” wishing God would smite me.
2. Running on the deck
Listen, I know running fast is super-duper awesome. In fact, I tell everyone I meet that I used to have the school 2 mile record in track until it was shattered by a snail (I want her checked for performance enhancing drugs). As it is though, you’re at a pool. There is water everywhere. You are barefoot. Put two and two together: You running plus a wet floor equals you on the ground with blood squirting out of you and me having to clean that mess up and fill out lots of paperwork. Also, if you keep running, I will probably have to sit you out in time out near my chair for a couple minutes during which time you will strike up a conversation with me (ergo… timeout is more of a punishment for me than it is for you)
3. Crappy weather days
When it’s hot, I get it; you want to come to the pool to cool off. It doesn’t mean I like the fact that you’re there buuuuut, I do understand it. However, when it is rainy or cold or looks like it’s going to storm, why are you coming to an outdoor swimming pool? If it’s raining out, your towels and clothing is going to get wet (because, let’s face it, you’re probably too dumb to put it in the locker room). Then you will come to me and ask if I have any towels or clothes to give you to which I will reply, “F off. Can’t you see I’m napping here?” If it’s cold out, you are going to get in and swim for about 5 minutes before you climb out with purple lips and numb limbs. Then you will come to me and complain about how cold the water is to which I will reply, “hey idiot, maybe you didn’t see my parka but the ice bergs floating in the pool should have tipped you off that maybe it’s too cold to swim today.” If it looks like it’s about to storm, you will get in for about 5 minutes before I see lightning and have to kick you out. Then you will ask me over and over again when you can get back in to which I will reply, “in 30 minutes or if you really want, hold on to this giant metal rod and jump on in.”
4. Kids at the concession stand
If you are someone who comes to the concession stand, asks for what you want, and has the money to pay for it, this message is not for you. However… if you’re not one of these people, listen up. If I had a dollar for every time a kid came to buy concessions and asked, “can I get that?” and then pointed vaguely at the sign assuming I know what “that” is… I want to make this clear, I try to be patient but my fuse is going to blow in under ten seconds if you just point and say, “uh that one. The one up there. You know… THAT one.” First of all, NO! I do not know what THAT one is. If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking you. Secondly, if you don’t know what it’s called or at least how to describe it, why are you ordering it? You clearly have no idea what it is and you will be back 20 seconds later asking if you can trade for something else.
5. Saving people
Do you have any idea how much of a drag it is saving someone’s life? Ugh. One minute you’re minding your own business twirling your whistle and singing along to the radio and the next you have to climb down, jump in the water, pull the person to safety, assess their status, then climb back up in to the guard chair. That is 5 minutes of my life I will never get back. Not to mention, once you save someone’s life, it’s impossible to go anywhere without being recognized. Everywhere you go, someone is like “oh my gosh! It’s that girl who saved that kid’s life!” It’s absolutely miserable. People applaud when I walk in buildings. They constantly thank me. I can’t even drive down the street without it turning into a parade where grateful citizens throw flowers at my feet. For someone as modest as myself, living in the constant spotlight is so difficult.
But I guess, like George Washington and John Lennon, it’s a burden the truly great must bear.
So. If you ever come to the pool this summer, keep this stuff in mind. Remember how much your trip to the pool affects ME. And most importantly: remember WWKBWMTD (What Would KB Want Me To Do).
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