I know a couple weeks ago I wrote about how upset I was that I had not been taken up in the rapture but now I’m becoming more and more anxious about it as I become more and more convinced that the world is ending soon. As this blog progresses I will present mounds of incontrovertible evidence of the impending doom but I will present the most damning evidence now: Selena Gomez may be pregnant with Justin Bieber’s baby.
I know! It’s shocking. I thought he was gay too! Right? The hair? The purple? My God, how can this be real???
Now, if you say, “is that all the proof you have?” I would respond (angrily), “IT’S ALL THE PROOF I NEED”
However, for all you doubting Thomas’s out there, I will painstakingly explain it to you (although every second I am explaining it to you is a second closer to Armagedon)
Being a good, Catholic girl, I know that the apocalypse will be ushered in by four horsemen, each bringing with them something unique: War, Famine, Death, and Pestilence.
Obviously, each of these horsemen are already knocking on our door (and not in the good “Three’s Company” kind of way…)
WAR
The world is in so many wars right now that I can’t keep them all straight.
I’m fairly sure Israel and Palestine are fighting and have been for at least 50 years (At this point no one knows why they are fighting anymore but I’m willing to bet someone didn’t “leggo” of someone else’s Eggo.) I also know the US is fighting in many different locations but talking about the reasoning behind the wars is controversial so I’ll just say “I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” and hope no one spray paints “COMMUNIST” on the side of my house. There are also a bunch of revolutions breaking out in the Middle East because, if I understand correctly, a street urchin named Aladdin has been wrecking havoc with his lovable monkey and a genie who sounds eerily like Robin Williams. Then, of course, there is the battle with those crazy cars who turn into robots, lead by Shia LaBeouf who try to destroy the earth about once every summer.
FAMINE
Children are starving in Africa. And last night, I went to bed hungry (because I was too lazy to walk to the fridge). Clearly famine is upon us and it is too late to do anything about it.
DEATH
Death is everywhere. Omnipresent. Inescapable. Michael Jackson. Ted Kennedy. Linsay Lohan’s career.
No other way to look at it than horseman number three is present and accounted for.
PESTILENCE
Everyday we hear of new, seemingly incurable diseases. The kind of diseases that make you afraid to leave your house. In the 80’s it was the still incurable HIV/AIDS. The 90’s were plagued by the psychological disease Stoopitis (Official definition: the condition of someone being afraid to leave their stoop. Ex Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop!). The beginning of this millennium, too, has faced terrible diseases like West Nile, Bird Flu, and Swine Flu and we are now facing the most serious of all: Bieber Fever.
So, in summation of this long (and extensively researched) fact sheet, I am forced to conclude the world is coming to an end.
Now, before you get down on me for writing a substandard blog this week, just realize I’ve been under a lot of pressure. Predicting an apocalypse is hard work. That, combined with teaching swimming lessons to shrieking children and stocking my post-apocalyptic bomb shelter with non-perishables (Twinkies, Funyuns, and Mountain Dew) has left me absolutely drained of energy. You’ll just have to come back next week to see if the quality has improved.
That is, if the world hasn’t ended before then…
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