Hello, fellow sinners. If you are reading this, like me, you were not raptured up to heaven this past Saturday. Naturally, I was shocked when I woke up on Sunday to find I was still in my room decorated with Satanic symbols rather than sleeping on a bed of clouds while angels played a harp nearby.
Since I suffered through the humiliation of not be raptured up once, I don’t plan on being left behind again. I’ve decided to readjust my life to make sure I make the cut next time.
However, my understanding of morals is… cloudy at best. I’ve always lived my life by the credo “do what you want, when you want and screw the consequences” but I’ve recently been informed the technical term for that is “amoral” and apparently that’s not the best way to get to heaven. So, I’ve decided to call upon you, my dedicated blog readers, to help sort me out.
First things first. I’m very confused about the whole “Seven Deadly Sins” versus “The Ten Commandments” thing. I’m pretty sure breaking the Ten Commandments is frowned upon but the Seven Deadly Sins have “deadly” in the title so I’m assuming they aren’t too great either. Is one worse than the other? Or is it pretty much a lose-lose situation? And as far as the Seven Deadly Sins go, are some worse than the others? (FYI the sins are wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony). And what happens if you have more than one?
Take me for example. I clearly am filled with Pride. I acknowledge at least twice a day that I am the most awesome person I’ve ever met and say, “you’re welcome” to every one who has the pleasure of meeting me. I’m clearly also consumed with Sloth. I am the laziest person I know and would turn my room into a full time living chamber that I would never have to leave if it wasn’t too much work to do so. So I guess my question is, am I more screwed for being prideful or sloth-like? And are these sins like felonies where I will automatically be sent to Hell? Or like misdemeanors where I get a few chances and might just get stuck with community service in purgatory? And as far as the Ten Commandments go, are they hard and fast rules or more like… suggested guidelines?
I also need a little clarification about which sins are worse than others. Apparently talking about people in a “mean” way is considered a sin but I’ve also been told lying is a sin. This leaves me in a bit of a conundrum. If I say someone is a fat, lazy, imbecilic bitch and everything I’ve said is true… is that a sin? Or would it be better to lie and say, “she is a perfectly in shape, active, intelligent gentlewoman”? There seems to be a lot of gray area there…
I’m also wondering if you can cancel some sins out. Let’s take a completely hypothetical situation that I would never ever in a million years consider doing: robbing a bank to pay Fordham’s ridiculously high tuition. Remember, this is a fictional situation that I have not ever seriously considered. If I were to rob the bank in the morning and then help an old lady cross the street later in the day, do they sort of cancel each other out? Like do I get a blank slate after that? It seems like a more than fair trade off to me… (let’s be honest, old people smell weird)
Also, how big of a no-no is it to laugh at other people? I’ve been thinking and I think this is the one that could really bite me in the bum. Anyone who knows me knows I enjoy getting a chuckle out of the misfortunes of others (before you get up in arms about this, people are more than welcome to laugh at me in my times of distress). So, on a scale from 1 to Hell, how wrong is it laugh at someone getting their toes run over by a motorized wheelchair? (by the way, why do people in motorized wheelchairs insist on driving so fast? Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought you were trying to get from Point A to Point B, not break the sound barrier. And I’m pretty sure it’s not good for your chair if you’re barreling around corners on two wheels). Also, what is the moral stance on midgets? I’m going to assume that laughing at regular midgets is wrong but what about midgets in costumes? Or midgets eating carrots out of people’s hands like ponies (to be fair, I’ve never actually seen this but I would really like to)
Lastly, I was raised Catholic and I know that I am supposed to go to confession a certain number of times a year to get absolved of my sins. I’m going to be honest, though, I haven’t been to confession since I was confirmed as a sophomore in high school. Are these sins just sitting around in my body, slowly poisoning me? Can they physically manifest themselves in like a wart or pimple or ingrown hair or other physical deformity? Are sins like calories that go straight to your hips? And do I really have to go all the way to church to confess them? That’s like 4 blocks from my house (I told you I was a sloth). Can I just confess them here and now, say a few “Hail, Mary’s” and call it good?
I think I’m going to try it and see how it goes:
-I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.
-Alyssa, I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.
-Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.
-I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George’s life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave her these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then… Oh yeah, Cady- you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.
So… I think that’s it. What does that equal? Like 10 “Hail, Mary’s” and an “Our Father” for good measure? Am I in the all clear now?
Oh, and if any of these actions may have hurt or offended Glenn Coco, I apologize. You go, Glenn Coco.
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